Community Chat

[beach-mom]

I was shocked today when I found out a good friend's wife had passed away - almost two weeks ago. Her husband is someone I have worked with  for almost 20 years, but we see each other in person only a few times a year. I treasure his friendship, and he means a lot to me. He was so devoted to his wife, and would always tell me about her.

She had had major health problems since she was young, but she coped with them. I never met her, but talked to her and later their daughter on the phone a number of times. Their daughter moved back home 10 years ago to help out (their only child) with her mom. I don't know yet how she died. 

Of course I missed the funeral last week, which is really heartbreaking for me. I could have easily gone. I'm sure he didn't miss me (my family has met him too), but I wish I could have been there. The friend who told me said, "I thought you knew. Don't you get the paper?" We stopped getting the daily paper about a year ago. because they were just piling up without being read. The days of reading the paper over breakfast - like my dad always did - are gone for a lot of people. DH was always out the door early, so he usually read it during the day when he had time at work. I also read it at work, or later on after dinner at home. 

I am blaming myself for not knowing, but I don't want to get the paper just to check one section. A number of people who knew we worked closely together could have let me know.

SO - if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, don't assume everyone knows. A lot of people have stopped the paper and are getting their news on TV or the Internet. After I was shocked by this, someone else said a similar thing happened to someone she knew, and like me, the person felt really bad about not being aware. Maybe you or someone you know has been in this situation. 

[Desertdi]

Yes, this has happened to me.    I now Google "Today's Obituaries" and read them on the computer.

[Brisky]

Yes, many people don't buy the papers anymore. Kind of miss those days.

[Snowpuppy]

Even when I got the newspaper I never read obits. There were enough people who do, willing to share any tidbit of tragedy they could find for the attention it got them.

An elderly woman once said to me " if you mean much to someone, they know where you are and how to reach you, even if you don't think so".  

This was long before the iinternet and social media.

[sissel]

So many do not put Obits in the paper some don't receive the newspaper & plus it costs money to put it in. Mostly the family will just email family & friends to notify them. Maybe send an email or sympathy card with a note. Doesn't matter if your late just to let him know you just found out. 

[Sweetbay magnolia]

A neighbor died and I found out a month later.  No obit, and yes, we were not friendly on a daily basis, though even people known for years were not notified by family.

It was the deceased's choice, made in life.

[FranandZoe]

Look at it this way - if a family member of yours died would you call him?  Were you still close to him or were you just work friends?   When my Mom died for instance I called my best friend but no others.  My cousin's wife died a few years ago and no one in the family called me.  I heard it from my DIL's mother who knew the family. I thought it was weird at the time but then I thought if my husband died would I call my cousin(s)?  No I would not.  If you choose to  not get a local paper or look at obits online you're going to miss some.  

[cw88]

and then there's the opposite issue--no obituary!  These notices used to be free to put in the paper, and now there's a charge, so now not every family will have an obituary when somone passes.

[qualitygal]

Tip:  we quit the paper years ago since it's on t.v. 24/7.  I do when I remember, check Sundays edition on line, the obits.  That's when they list the most.  The family that is, is busy enough when someone passes and it's up to us to find these things out.  Sometimes we miss them.  It happens.

[Cakers3]

@beach-mom   If you only see him a few times a year then I don't see why he would have contacted you.

I understand you wanted to be there but in reality when loved ones die the survivors have so much to deal with.  You may have been close at work but now the relationship just isn't the same. 

I think sending a sympathy card without going into not knowing is the best you can do.

Or go to the website and leave your condolences there.  Sometimes you can "light a candle" on these sites.

I understand you wanted to be there and as you said he wouldnt' be specifically missing anyway.

So let it be.  When loved ones die, the last thing  we think about it contacting former co-workers and others not in a close circle. 

I'm sorry you feel sad about this but just keep in mind that your heart is in the right place and let it be.  What's done is done.

Take care.