Do You Ever "Just" Send a Sympathy Card? - Page 4

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

In the community where I grew up it was customary to give cash to the family when a family member died. My parents also had a whole ham delivered to their home. My community was made up of immigrants from Italy and I think this might have been a custom they carried over with them... A way to help people. There was no public aid back then and if there was, these people were too proud to accept it.

A young lady I worked with lost her grandmother. They were very close. This young lady was friends with an older women who was raised in the community I was. The older women sent her friend a card and enclosed cash.

The younger woman was livid. She threw the card and the cash back at the giver and yelled that it was wrong and rude to expect her to,profit by her grandmother's death.

The older woman was devistated and hurt. She thought she did the right thing and came to ask me if what she did was wrong.

R

i asked the younger woman, who was my cubical mate, why she was so upset. I explained the custom to her, which she still could not understand. She asked what she was supposed to do with money. I told her that she could donate it, or pass it on to someone in need in the memory of her grandmother.

Well, the two friends made up and all was well.

i personally do not enclose cash in my card and have never sent a ham to anyone's home.

Lately, I have noticed that many obits in our local paper suggest to send money to the funeral home to offset the costs. It's so sad to see this.

Customs and needs vary for everyone. It is never in poor taste to send a card, or drop a note to someone who lost a loved one.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

Well unless you know for sure they eat ham, I certainly wouldn't send one either.

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

@Carmie ... I guess unless we have walked a mile in another's shoes, we never know what their customs are. I'm glad you intervened and your friends made up.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

shoptilyadropagain · ‎03-19-2014

I've never heard of sending money with a sympathy card. I might think it a little odd if I received money but I certainly wouldn't be offended. When my dad passed away a few months ago, people brought in food to my mother's house for the family. One of my friends sent my mom a card that included a gift card to a local pizza place but that was done in lieu of sending food. For the funeral, we received the normal flower arrangements including throws & wind chimes and we had designated contributions to our church and the local cancer society in lieu of flowers if people wished to do that.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
- Author Unknown

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

@Mominohio wrote:
@SaRina wrote:
Where I come from, a sympathy card alone is fine and that is what I do most often. For someone close, I pay my respects in person and will sometimes make a donation to a charity of their choice. I would never send money.

I am kind of surprised at the number of people who wouldn't send money or would be offended to receive it.

When and where I grew up, it was pretty much normal to give money in a card for the death of a person, especially if the person was relatively young with a family still to support. It was just what was done to help the family with expenses or the future of the spouse and children left behind. It was always thought that even if there was insurance money coming etc. there would be a financial lull as people were off work for the death and funeral, out of town relatives staying for the services, and until the money arrived from insurance.

I never heard anyone say they were offended or not grateful for the help.

@Mominohio I guess the modern version of this practice is for the family to open a "go fund me" account and have people make donations through it.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

I think your friend is clueless and her advice simply tacky. Your sympathy card was in good taste.

henderson · ‎03-18-2010

I've ordered online to have a tree planted in someone's memory and they receive a very nice card notifying them. It was only $10 and they plant in national forests. I never send money.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@Mominohio wrote:
@SaRina wrote:
Where I come from, a sympathy card alone is fine and that is what I do most often. For someone close, I pay my respects in person and will sometimes make a donation to a charity of their choice. I would never send money.

I am kind of surprised at the number of people who wouldn't send money or would be offended to receive it.

When and where I grew up, it was pretty much normal to give money in a card for the death of a person, especially if the person was relatively young with a family still to support. It was just what was done to help the family with expenses or the future of the spouse and children left behind. It was always thought that even if there was insurance money coming etc. there would be a financial lull as people were off work for the death and funeral, out of town relatives staying for the services, and until the money arrived from insurance.

I never heard anyone say they were offended or not grateful for the help.
Same here @Mominohio. We received several cards with money in them when my parents passed away.

Also, we are Catholic. Typically at the wake, there are envelopes by the guest book. Those envelopes are for people to put money into and the front of the envelope has various boxes you can check. One indicates you want the money used for a mass in the decedent's name and the other box is for the family to use the money as they want.

As others have said, there are regional, religious and/or cultural customs that I'm sure account for this difference of opinion.

sandy53 · ‎03-12-2010

In my community (midwest) it is common to enclose memorial gifts in sympathy cards. It is not "required," but is common. Memorial choices are included in the obituary so you usually know where your donation will be sent. If the obituary says that memorials will be used "at the discretion of the family," that usually means the money will be used to pay for the funeral.

When my parents and in-laws died, I treasured the cards I received whether they included a memorial or not. It meant so much to me that people cared enough about me or about the departed one to express their loving concern. I think you can only error by not sending a card. Each time it reminded me that I need to send more cards!

I suggest two things: 1: Never just sign your name. Include a note with a memory of the person. Those notes are priceless. 2. If you send money, include your address inside the card so it is easy for the family to send a thank you note. Just write it discreetly on the inside cover along with the amount. I remember spending hours trying to find addresses of friends and distant family members who dropped off cards at the church or funeral home. It was easier with the ones that were mailed because they had return addresses, of course.

cookinfreak · ‎03-31-2010

I have sent "just" a card many times. I have even received thank you notes for thinking of the family for "just" a card. It has been the norm where I live to send money but my sisters husband from the east coast area was shocked when we received cards with money when my mom passed. He said he never heard of such a thing. We also do food for the family. With so many people stopping by the home,and having friends and relatives there, it is appreciated to have something handy as the last thing you want to do is grocery shop during that time. I have also given the family napkins, paper plates, plastic silverware, TP and postage stamps. They come in handy with all the extra visitors. I think any gesture you make for the grieving family is appreciated.

cookin