Community Chat

[mistriTsquirrel]

My sister sent me a text months ago that I needed to start taking better care of Mom.  She said I'm not doing enough.  My sister lives several hours away, and I live 15 minutes away.  She breezes into town a few times a year for a weekend, fixes a few things at my mom's house and then leaves.  

I'm the one who is on call when the garage door stops working, when she can't figure out something on her computer, when she needs help moving something...or when she needs a therapist.  And I help her clean and do yard work or whatever it is she needs help with.

The thing is, my mom is only in her 60s.  She has some health issues, but she is not an invalid.  My sister tells my mom what to do and acts frustrated that my mom has too much stuff.  She is worried about having to go through my mom's stuff after she dies.  So she wants my mom to have as little stuff as possible. 

She comes to town to "help" and then can't handle what's going on when she gets here, so she freaks out.  Same thing happened when my dad was sick and dying.

The original plan was for my mother to move closer to my sister so that she could be closer to the grand kids.  That can't happen now, because my sister can't handle it.  So I guess I will be here for my mom while my sister stays where she is and seethes about how little I'm doing for Mom.

[Greeneyedlady21]

@drizzellla Sorry, sadly I can relate. My brother is a financial train wreck. When I had to take over my mother's finances I found out about how much she had given him and it was shocking. Not even going back as far as I could have, because emotionally I couldn't handle it while dealing with her illness. She favors him too.

So that's what I mean, one never knows the details of any family system. I too know I will never have a relationship with them when my mother is gone. They're just toxic. I've gotten help dealing with it all so I'm in a better place about it. But it's still painful. Their behavior towards me two years ago when my mother was extremely ill was inexcusable on every level.

Anyone who isn't in such a situation, just be eternally grateful.

[Noel7]

@Greeneyedlady21

[shopperqvc]

Yes, my Aunts and Uncles left me to do everything for my Grandmother, their Mother, while the tried, with no success, to tell me what I HAD to do according to their ideas even though they weren't here. Their "suggestion" put her in a nursing home, and I would have to be the one to pay for her wellfare. One even threatened to come here and wheel her over to a home and leave her on the doorstep.When I refused, they got mad. When she passed away they all came running to see what there was left. She had outlived my Gradnfather by many years. There was nothing to hand down to them. I had the locks on both doors changed, and refused to let them into the house.

[homedecor1]

well there's always one child who steps up to take care of parent(s) & the other(s) are always not available, etc.

yet, upon death they have "their grubby paws" out waiting!

Been there done that have pictures as they say! Glad I don't have that responsibility now!

[Shorty2U]

My mom died at age 51 of heart disease. My dad died at 84. My husband and I (but mostly my husband), helped my dad when he retired at 77 (such as running errands, doing his laundry, taking him out) because my brother lived elsewhere.

But my brother was the power of attorney, so when dad fell and ended up in a home my brother was then in charge. My dad died 8 months after going in that home. We are convinced my dad would still be alive if it weren't for the NON care in that home. I could not lift my dad (due to my spine issues) because he got so bad in that home, he couldn't come back home. I tried to speak up and get him moved, but had no say because I was told my brother is the POA not me.. Something I live with to this day and had therapy for after my dad died.And yes we tried to sue but the home lied on his records.

Long story short, my advice is, appreciate your parents while they're here and IF you can take care of them do it and don't complain. From our experience we do not like nursing homes, too many horror stories. I wouldnt put my cat in a hursing home!

[Financialgrl]

Mom died at 46 and in his mid 70s dad became forgetful.  My sibs and I never moved too far from each other and I had a family meeting.  I'd take dad in but gave the speech that dad had 4 kids, not one and that I'd willingly take on the major caregiver role but that I was gonna need mini vacations throughout the year.  When I needed a break I'd send out an email and tell them when I wanted to be gone and for how long and the 3 of them had to work it out as to who or how to take care of dad when I was gone.  Told them no excuses, just figure it out and just do it!

This allowed my sibs to see firsthand what a great deal they were getting by only having to deal with this for short periods.  Not once did they ever let me down.  The last two years of dad's life I was battling cancer and I did not have the strength to support him when he walked or help him up if he fell and my brother took dad in.  And that's how it's done!  I could never have been able to do this were it not for the fact that my siblings stepped up when I needed help or just time to get away.  Caregiving was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had to do - it's rough when the parent becomes the child and you are now "their parent".  

[qualitygal]

Mine were very supportive.  We all did what we could, and mostly (I had POA) tried to discuss care and medical options.  We just wanted to do that for our folks. Our folks always did the best for us that they could. 

Ask for their help when you need it.  Keep asking!  That's only fair.  Best of luck.

[ID2]

I'm so grateful I was left "holding the bag" when it came to caring for my aging parents. I have so many wonderful memories. My oldest brother already passed away years earlier so its just been my other brother and me. I was the only one that lived close to my parents. My brother lived 250 miles away. When things got too much for me, we hired a caregiver to help me out. My brother would relieve me on several weekends a month. We worked in unison to make sure my wonderful parents were well cared for. I have the fondest memories of my Mom, bedridden, just talking and talking to me. I remember every word. Wouldn't give up those memories for anything. 

[catchersmom]

Thank y'all for sharing your stories, I must admit hearing different perspectives did help.

I wouldn't trade my closeness with my parents for anything. They are/were wonderful to all of their children and grandchildren, and I know how blessed we all are. I just wish that they would visit now, before my father's dementia progresses. There will come a point where a visit will not be as meaningful to him as it would be right now. We've watched his other six living siblings all progress to the point where they don't remember their grandkids (or even their own kids at times) and I feel a sense of desparation.....like lets hurry and make some more memories quick while we can.

I'm going to try again as the holiday season approaches. Maybe they will come? I'm not giving up hope! But it does hurt at times, particulary when my Dad does ask where they are, why aren't they there, etc. And then yes, the anger for me takes over when I read or hear all about their fabulous vacations but none of them include a visit back home.

anyway, appreciate you all sharing....definitely helps to know others understand or are experiencing them same type of situation.......have a good day everyone!