Community Chat

[SandPiper]

It is so hard to take care of an elderly parent. I know first hand because I took care of my mom. I had 1 brother but he passed away when he was 37 so it has been just mom and I for a long time (oh and my husband too).  When mom got sick I took care of her alone except for the visiting nurse twice a week. When mom recently passed away I was with her when she took her last breath. Both of us found comfort in each other and I have absolutely no regrets. 

I know now how frustrating it is but you are stronger than you think and you always somehow get the strength and energy that you need and you will never have any regrets. 

[eddyandme]

@SandPiper

Sorry for your loss.

[ALRATIBA]

No ... my brother and I more or less shared.  They were wonderful people - it was never too much trouble to help them.

[software]

---

@Mona_L wrote:

About aging parents' care?  

My siblings all moved to other states ... I am now the only one to take care of my 90-year-old mother.  The last sibling recently moved four hours away just for a change of venue.  Mother wishes to stay in her home, so it's only me to check on her, grocery shop, doctor appointments, and visits. 

---

Fantasize that you are an only child (like me) so you don't become resentful.   Caring for your mom is such a blessing to her.    You will have her precious last years as a wonderful memory.   They will have nothing.

[conlt]

Yes, they did and 2 of them live within a mile of my mother, 1 is 75 miles away and 1 is 1200 miles away (and she helps me with reminder calls). I am resentful, yes, even tomorrow I am going to meet a roofer about a leak in my mothers roof. I have 2 brothers who love within 1 mile and they will not do it. I am exhausted all of the time, I work more than full-time and do this to. It is very difficult. 

[conlt]

Thank you for your thought, it really helped me stop and think. My mother is 91 and suffers from some dementia. I have an aide with her during the day. She does ok but is becoming  more needy and fragile. I do her shopping, food planning, pay her bills, coordinate her medical care and medicines. I make sure she is ok several times per day. It is easy to become resentful so a different perspective is nice to consider.  

[Gooday]

I have one sibling who lives in another state.  My late mother developed Alzheimer's and at the same time my DH was having significant medical issues requiring him to be on dialysis.  I worked full time.  My dad and I cared for her until the time we placed her on a long term facility for dementia patients.  It was a private pay facility that fortunately, my dad could afford.  My mom passed away 13 months after being placed in the facility.  She died in 2005.

Fast forward: DH is alive and well.  We bought a home near my brother and did the snowbird thing.  Dad is close to 89 and has all his marbles but he is wearing out  physically. He lives in a senior living/independent facility.  We are making the permanent move to Az. and bringing Dad with.

My brother and SIL are building a home near us with an in-law suite.  He called me one day and said he wanted to talk to me ALONE, no spouses.  He told me, "you took care of mom when I could not help.  Now, it's my turn and I want Dad to live with us".

I am blessed.  We will now all be together and DH and I can breathe a little easier.  Life goes by too fast.

I feel for siblings going through this.  I will say this, there is usually one person who takes the lead and sometimes that's a good thing as long as the others are on board with it.  Sometimes one sibling is better equipped to make decisions but, communication is key.

[Trinity11]

My sibling walked away and wanted nothing to do with caring for my parents. He never even attended their funerals. It was not particularly easy but I was mom's caretaker through most of her life anyway so it wasn't anything new to me. My dad I cared for because I promised my mom I would never put him in a nursing home before she died.

It took its toll on me physically but I take comfort in knowing that I did my best....

[suzyQ3]

Yes, I feel your pain, @Mona_L. My brother moved away before our mother became seriously ill and  then died within a year. He and I would speak about it, but he came back only after she died. And then he questioned me about my divvying stuff up. That's the short version.

But what compounded the situation was that neither my brother not I had an amicable, peaceful relationship with our mother. And that is the understatement of all time.

So my husband and I did the best we could to keep her comfortable toward the end. I remember breaking down and telling the hospice person that I just can't do this -- too much toxic baggage. She was so comforting and said what I needed to hear.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I can sleep at night knowing that I was there for here when she needed me, no matter the past and no matter that there was never that sentimental ending that made the past more comprehensible and thus less painful.

[NycVixen]

---

@2blonde wrote:

@SahmIam  You are so right on.  This situation either brings out the best or the worst in people.  What gets me is that the child that does the most for the parent often is the one who receives the least reward.

---

@2blonde This is my case as well. I've been wondering why my whole life.  This truth is so hard to live with at times and accept; that due to no fault of your own, for some reason your parent just doesn't seem to love or appreciate you the same as your sibling who in my case mistreats her and doesn't do anything for her. 

She told my mom and me point blank years ago that she isn't doing anything when the time comes. Yet my mom still favors her. Very painful.