Re: Did your sibling(s) leave you ... "holding the... - Page 6

Mona_L · ‎08-07-2014

@catchersmom wrote:
And then yes, the anger for me takes over when I read or hear all about their fabulous vacations but none of them include a visit back home.

Oh @catchersmom .... thanks for sharing your story ... that is what I struggle with ... on Facebook they are posting trips to Hawaii and numerous beach trips, and here I am.

But when it is time for the inheritance distribution, they will be at the front door (or better yet, just Instant Messaging me asking when the lawyer will be mailing their check).

Thanks everyone else for sharing--your similar stories helped me realize that I am not alone in this. God bless you all.

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

@qualitygal wrote:
Mine were very supportive. We all did what we could, and mostly (I had POA) tried to discuss care and medical options. We just wanted to do that for our folks. Our folks always did the best for us that they could.

Ask for their help when you need it. Keep asking! That's only fair. Best of luck.

What's fair and what ends up being reality are often two different things. I had lots of help with my siblings but my experience (based on many friends' situation over the years) is that you can ask for help but you'd be surprised how many siblings feel that by placing a call to their elderly parent once in a blue moon that they were doing something. These same ppl tend to show up however, when it comes time to read the will to see what's left to them.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

I am an only child. Growing up I misssed having sibs. When my Mom was older I did not. Any decisions having to be made were mine. DH helped very much but the final decision was mine. When she finaly went to meet her Lord she was 98. She died in her sleep and had done those word finds that day. Many times I thianked her for making me an only child.

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

I was never close to my mother. I don't have any fond memories or warm mother daughter moments growing up but I do remember being criticized a lot.

I have one brother who moved to the other coast when he was still in his 20s. Now he lives in the midwest, and I'm still here in the northeast. Our mother who will soon be 91 is the one who moved away to Florida 24 years ago when dad was still alive. She remains in the over 55 community in the same condo when they first moved there.

She's actually more pleasant now in her later years than when we were growing up. She's had some serious health problems and has aides helping her full time. She refuses to go into assisted or independent care and prefers to stay where she is with her aides. As long as she's able to do this my brother and I are happy. We try to visit several times a year.

Even though she wasn't a sweet mom, she never wanted us to be her caregiver and planned for her own care.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

I have never EVER seen a large family that didn't contain at least one sibling who bailed when mom and/or dad needed support and care.

My husband and I were both "lonely onlies", and learned after caring for both our mothers that being able to make ALL the decisions without others became something of a gift.

I think if I had a bailing out sibling it would be VERY DIFFICULT for me to forgive them, and especially if they were right there in the front row at the lawyer's office for the reading of mom' or dad's will.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

My brother and sister in law live 20 minutes from my mother. I live 4 1/2 to 5 hours away. Nevertheless, I am the one who is responsible for the majority of care for my 95 year old mother. My brother will be there in an extreme emergency but the minute I show up, he disappears. My husband is in the early stages of dementia and I don't know how I'll be able to manage everything down the road. Fortunately, my mother finally agreed to hiring a 24/7 aide after she had three mini strokes within a very short time. I try to take things a day at a time but it's not easy.

redwingsgal · ‎03-10-2010

@Mona_L wrote:
About aging parents' care?

My siblings all moved to other states ... I am now the only one to take care of my 90-year-old mother. The last sibling recently moved four hours away just for a change of venue. Mother wishes to stay in her home, so it's only me to check on her, grocery shop, doctor appointments, and visits.

I am the one who moved out of state (due to my DH getting the job of his dreams) and I would have given ANYTHING to have been there to care for my parents in their final years. My two sisters shared in the care pretty much equally for each of them and there was NEVER a problem among us over the care, the will or the estate. This is one of the things I am most proud of among us as I see so many families get torn apart over the money or the healthcare of parents.

I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend, til death, your right to say it

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

I do not think you will like this,but if your Mom is that old you need to speak to an elder attorney.

IamMrsG · ‎08-29-2010

I have one sibling, and she lived on the opposite coast. I have one child, who lived on the opposite end of the state. I was the only one who lived within range of Mother, so I took care of her in her last years. I took her to her appointments, entertained her, made sure she was safe, helped maintain her home. You know the routine.

Can you imagine what my life was like when all three of us were appointed Executors of her estate? As the only local one everything automatically fell onto me, which I accepted, but I could not make a single decision or even sign a check to pay a bill without consent, co-signatures and input from the other two (and their spouses). It was a nightmare.

Please, when you write your will or plan your estate, instead of listening to anyone who whispers in your ear, consider what you’re doing to those whom you entrust the responsibility. At the very least, let them know what’s coming.

Strive for respect instead of attention. It lasts longer.

JavaQueen · ‎03-09-2010

There is no cut-and-dried answer to "holding the bag." Sometimes siblings are selfish. There's no doubt about it.

Sometimes people can't pick up and move. Think about it: if you're in your fifties, it is hard to get another job. In this case, you would be expecting someone to give up their livelihood if they lived far away. This is a reality.

Of course, people move from the hometown, beause they need to find work elsewhere. If they decided to do that 20-30 years ago, you shouldn't disparage them. Sometimes people can move back, but in this economy, you're asking a lot. If you stay in place, it's hard.

It also depends on the state of your relationship with your siblings. If you get along, then you can find some common ground. However, if you never call, email, or inquire about your sibling's well-being in the cursory sense, it's hard to imagine that they will come running at the drop of a hat.

Of course, if they can't do it and are able to contribute financially fo the care of their loved one, then they should do it. Pay someone to help with errands, etc.

This "holding the bag" scenario can be a lot more complicated.