Community Chat

[AnikaBrodie]

Actually I put high expectations on myself as an honor roll student after my mother died when I was just 11 years old. (Some people called me a nerd!) Anyway it all paid off when I graduated in the top 5% of my class and I was offered a very good job with the state. I had numerous promotions over the years and retired as director of public relations from a state agency.

[sfnative]

On 3/8/2015 AngelPuppy1 said:

My father passed away when I was very young. So, there was just my mother to deal with everything. We had not much money and really being successful was not really discussed. Surviving and going out in the world and getting a job and just taking care of yourself was the goal. I have to admit that I was not particularly encouraged to strive for better. Just to survive and not be a burden to anyone. I never had much self-confidence in myself and do not to this day. I do not blame how my life has unfolded on anyone, but do wonder at times if my life would be different had I received more encouragement and guidance in this aspect. I think letting a child know from early on that they can excel and achieve anything they want and be successful if they just work hard and apply themselves is so very important.

AngelPuppy,

I'm terrribly sorry for the early loss of your father and the stressors with which you and your mother lived. ((((((HUGS))))))

The last sentence above that I bolded - I believe to be so true!

It was just dumb luck in my situation that my parents were so at war with eachother they didn't have time to nurture their two daughters. I realized this early on and so forged my way through life. Oh, yes, I tripped here and there along the way, but am darn glad I had those German genes to keep me going. I know now I was also blessed and had an angel watching over me, or else I cannot fathom what gutter I would have ended up in.

[lulu2]

Absolutely. My father believed a good education consisted of excellent academics and well rounded extra curricular activities.. I was educated in only Catholic schools.

My mother thought looks and dating boys from the right family were more important.

My father was pleased with our efforts. My mother was not.

[sfnative]

On 3/8/2015 chickenbutt said:

As much as it was hammered into me how worthless I was, I guess I'd have to say that that had SOME positive effect on me. After a while you feel like you must be pretty worthless if your own mother keeps telling you that. I would say, as a consequence, that I grew up with no expectations at all.

I imagine different people would use that in different ways, though. But what it did for me was to make me excel in whatever I did. I guess I needed to prove to myself that I was NOT worthless. I would say 'prove to her' but that would have been an impossibility. So, it was enough to prove it to me because I needed to learn that I mattered and certainly more than she mattered.

She called me a lot of other names that were not true. Some were more apparent than others. Some took a while for me to realize were lies. Some I probably still work on. I was not ugly and I was not stupid, so those just came from HER and, as I was to learn later on in life, her own self-loathing.

I have to say that, even though I did excel and proved myself not to be worthless or stupid, sometimes I still hear the dialogue in my head. Whenever something goes wrong or I make a mistake I hear the voice in my head saying 'See? She was right - you ARE worthless and undeserving and stupid, etc'. So, it hasn't come without a price.

chickenbutt,

((((((HUGS))))))

I know you've alluded to this on a few occasions in the past, but in this context, it just hits one in the face. You're right, it does come with a price.

My mother's lack of self esteem and marriage to a man she repeatedly said was the embodiment of the devil (I kid you not) combined with my extroverted personality and resulted in more yelling and screaming and the hand on its way to making contact with some portion of my anatomy...I still see that hand and hear her screaching. I learned around 11 to not let the pain make me cry any more. Can you guess that if I wasn't outside playing, I spent a lot of time in my room with the door closed? I couldn't wait to get out of that house in the morning.

Such negative energy! It's bad for the soul, bad for the mind and brain and bad for the body. No wonder I have chronic migraine.

[sfnative]

On 3/8/2015 AnikaBrodie said:

Actually I put high expectations on myself as an honor roll student after my mother died when I was just 11 years old. (Some people called me a nerd!) Anyway it all paid off when I graduated in the top 5% of my class and I was offered a very good job with the state. I had numerous promotions over the years and retired as director of public relations from a state agency.

Fantastic! Yay!!!!!!

[chickenbutt]

On 3/8/2015 sfnative said:

On 3/8/2015 chickenbutt said:

As much as it was hammered into me how worthless I was, I guess I'd have to say that that had SOME positive effect on me. After a while you feel like you must be pretty worthless if your own mother keeps telling you that. I would say, as a consequence, that I grew up with no expectations at all.

I imagine different people would use that in different ways, though. But what it did for me was to make me excel in whatever I did. I guess I needed to prove to myself that I was NOT worthless. I would say 'prove to her' but that would have been an impossibility. So, it was enough to prove it to me because I needed to learn that I mattered and certainly more than she mattered.

She called me a lot of other names that were not true. Some were more apparent than others. Some took a while for me to realize were lies. Some I probably still work on. I was not ugly and I was not stupid, so those just came from HER and, as I was to learn later on in life, her own self-loathing.

I have to say that, even though I did excel and proved myself not to be worthless or stupid, sometimes I still hear the dialogue in my head. Whenever something goes wrong or I make a mistake I hear the voice in my head saying 'See? She was right - you ARE worthless and undeserving and stupid, etc'. So, it hasn't come without a price.

chickenbutt,

((((((HUGS))))))

I know you've alluded to this on a few occasions in the past, but in this context, it just hits one in the face. You're right, it does come with a price.

My mother's lack of self esteem and marriage to a man she repeatedly said was the embodiment of the devil (I kid you not) combined with my extroverted personality and resulted in more yelling and screaming and the hand on its way to making contact with some portion of my anatomy...I still see that hand and hear her screaching. I learned around 11 to not let the pain make me cry any more. Can you guess that if I wasn't outside playing, I spent a lot of time in my room with the door closed? I couldn't wait to get out of that house in the morning.

Such negative energy! It's bad for the soul, bad for the mind and brain and bad for the body. No wonder I have chronic migraine.

{{{SF}}} Oh man, you hit a nerve with the yelling. I'm sorry you went through that. I don't even have to try and imagine how traumatizing that was. We were yelled at (just by HER - speaking of the embodiment of evil!) constantly. To this day I cannot stand yelling. For many years if anybody yelled at me I would just start crying. Then I would get really mad. Then I would cry more. ha!

With her, the more the yelling and the beatings the more we would cry and the more she would tell us to stop crying, because the more we cried the more we were screamed at and beat. Took me a while, after all I was a little kid, but I learned not to cry when she was coming at me. To this day I hate crying and make every effort to avoid it.

But one of numerous things I will NOT stand for is being yelled at. I shut down in a New York minute for that.

I agree that that kind of negative energy, especially during your formative years, is just so profoundly bad for anybody from their soul out. Some people should not have had kids. Of course, I'm not speaking for your mother, etc, but I AM speaking for mine. She should never have had kids and, consequently, I never should have either. Fortunately for the world, I didn't and that is the one thing for which I am the most grateful in this twisted life of mine. I am far too damaged and could not have done it.

I guess we both got pretty strong because of it. Sometimes I feel very weak but in some ways I'm strong. I'm probably more about appearing strong, as this is how you have to survive sometimes.

[Marienkaefer2]

The only expectations were to be good people, productive people, independent and able to take care of ourselves. My parents didn't lecture. They led by example. College was desired but not stressed to us. It must have worked because we are all that.

[minkbunny]

I came from a family of high achievers. I was a gifted child and always excelled at school.

I loved to learn (still do) so I have always had high expectations for myself. They were not forced upon me. I came from a very loving family and was always told that I could do and be anything I wanted. Which I did.

I still am.

My children are also gifted and have succeeded scholastically, professionally, and in their private lives.

They continue to make me proud.

[Suziepeach]

NM

[kdgn]

I honestly don't remember how it was done or even if it was ever verbally expressed, but it was always understood that my brother and I would go to college and graduate. If that qualifies as an expectation? My brother and I always knew we were going to college and that was the end of it. Do well in high school, go on to college, graduate, get a job. We were raised to be independent, mostly by example.

Many, many years later I asked my mom what would have happened if I hadn't want to go to college. I don't know what answer I was expecting but what I got was this: they would have paid for a technical school or whatever it was for training.

I swear I never knew that I had a choice.