Devastated decline in my mom / hospice - Page 2

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

This sounds so much like what Firestripes is going through with her mother. The same age and weight, screaming, pain, hospice and feeling devastated.

There seems to be so many that are caring for their mothers but have to struggle with the system. So sad.

q-girl · ‎10-05-2011

@cutty wrote:

A few days ago I called 911 DUE TO EXTREME HIP PAIN SHE WAS SCREAMING. my mom is 83, has dementia with hallucinations. She's only 80 lbs can't walk due to leg pain. I couldn't control her pain with Percocet. She Had house call doctors. My mom was drinking and eating a small amount she lives with me.
When they gave her morphine at the hospital she was out of pain. The doctor told me that she didn't look good and has 3-9 months left. He suggested hospice. I went later to see my mom with my children and my mom seemed fine, actually yelling at us because we had to leave. I called the nurse at night and asked how my mom was and she said the same.
'My mom was released the next evening. I said yes to hospice hoping they could control her pain. She came home by ambulance and she looked spacey didn't say anything to me. My mom did recognize me and my family before. The hospice nurse gave her a pain pill and was hoping the next day to talk to her. My mom was just crying in pain and calling for her mom. I had not slept good in a couple of days. My mom never returned to her own self ( she was talking, eating, drinking) she had delusions, and was always crying in pain. But now she is like a zombie that won't talk eat or drink. I tried lowering her medication but then she'll just cry in pain. I'm heartbroken feel it's my fault and know she will die soon. I feel quilt and cry all day. I feel sick and useless.

''I did get my mom to drink a little and have some applesauce. The last couple of days she will not open her mouth shakes her head no, mumbling and crying. I'm devastated that she won't drink or eat. I don't understand what happened from the hopspital stay to home and it went downhill fast.

@cutty You sound like a very loving, caring daughter. IMO, the best gift you can give your mom at this most difficult time in both of your lives is to love her unselfishly and unconditionally, love her enough to keep her free from pain, and love her enough to let her go with grace and dignity when she is ready. Find the strength within your heart to let her pass peacefully without guilt for leaving you, knowing that you are as at peace as you can be with her passing.

This won't be easy, but remember your Mother's love for you, how she cared for you, her strength, and draw from that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs . . .

Life is tough, but I am tougher!!

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@cutty, First of all this is not your fault,moonchild is right it gets nasty and very difficult for some when the end is near, i saw that with my husband.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

Imaoldhippie · ‎06-10-2015

It was not your fault because you put her in hospice, she would have declined anyway, thats how dementia works. The zombie effect is from the pain meds along with the dementia. This is a terrible thing you are having to go through and Im so sorry you or anyone else has to take care of anyone with dementia. Its a terrible, terrible ugly thing. It scares me more than any other disease know to man. God bless you in this time. Please dont feel guilty its unwarrented.

BE THE PERSON YOUR DOG THINKS YOU ARE! (unknown)

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

Caring for someone terminally ill in a home environment is extremely challenging, and not always the best choice that can be made.

Your mind needs to be wrapped around the fact your mother is terminally ill, and she is in a steady state of decline. Your mother's issues are not fixable, and the only thing that will calm her, and give her comfort is regular doses of narcotic medications. At this point you cannot expect your mother to comfort you with conversations, or sitting up in bed to eat a meal. What happened between hospital to home is the fact her body is declining; as her organs start failing, food and drink are irrelevant. Doctors can give you an estimate of how much time a person has left, but our death journey is as individualized as we are.

Nothing is your fault; your mother's life journey is coming to an end--soon. There is not one single thing you could have done at any point in the past to change what is happening to her now. These are her final days, and you need to face that, and stop thinking you need to fix something to make this situation better. Death is hard to accept, but if your mother is calling out for her mother, I see that as a sign she is ready to go. I urge you to get a grip on what's happening, and help your mother pass as peacefully as possible.

tends2dogs · ‎05-08-2010

@cutty wrote:

A few days ago I called 911 DUE TO EXTREME HIP PAIN SHE WAS SCREAMING. my mom is 83, has dementia with hallucinations. She's only 80 lbs can't walk due to leg pain. I couldn't control her pain with Percocet. She Had house call doctors. My mom was drinking and eating a small amount she lives with me.
When they gave her morphine at the hospital she was out of pain. The doctor told me that she didn't look good and has 3-9 months left. He suggested hospice. I went later to see my mom with my children and my mom seemed fine, actually yelling at us because we had to leave. I called the nurse at night and asked how my mom was and she said the same.
'My mom was released the next evening. I said yes to hospice hoping they could control her pain. She came home by ambulance and she looked spacey didn't say anything to me. My mom did recognize me and my family before. The hospice nurse gave her a pain pill and was hoping the next day to talk to her. My mom was just crying in pain and calling for her mom. I had not slept good in a couple of days. My mom never returned to her own self ( she was talking, eating, drinking) she had delusions, and was always crying in pain. But now she is like a zombie that won't talk eat or drink. I tried lowering her medication but then she'll just cry in pain. I'm heartbroken feel it's my fault and know she will die soon. I feel quilt and cry all day. I feel sick and useless.

''I did get my mom to drink a little and have some applesauce. The last couple of days she will not open her mouth shakes her head no, mumbling and crying. I'm devastated that she won't drink or eat. I don't understand what happened from the hopspital stay to home and it went downhill fast.

@cutty I am sorry you are going through this, but most of us have or will experience what you are now. Most of us aren't from the medical field, but we do the best we can in this situation out of love. If it is at all possible, I would recommend that your mother be taken to a hospice facility. If there are none in your area, take full advantage of the hospice program. They are on call. Don't be afraid to call them. The beauty of hospice is that they take over the care giving and you get to be the daughter (family member) again. It can be a time of talking (even if it is just you telling her you love her or about happier days), touching, etc. Try not to let this be a stressful time as far as feeling guilt or worry. End of life is hard to witness when it is your mother or father. I am not going to tell you not to be sad, but these last days or weeks can be a sweet memory....really. You are not at fault. You are tired, sleep deprived, and sad. ...a powerful combination. This is why you feel sick and useless. Of course, you aren't useless. Hopefully, you have other family members that can relieve you - even if it is in your own home. Respite is very important even if it means going in your bedroom and shutting the door for a nap.

You and your family are in my prayers for strength during this time. Do the best you can, take one day at a time, take advantage of hospice, call on family for help, and last but not least, cherish these last days with your mom......even if she never says another word to you - you can talk to her and just maybe, she can hear you.

Fear not Brothers and Sisters! I have read THE BOOK..........we win!!!

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

It's not uncommon for dementia to rapidly progress, or a person to rapidly decline, after an injury or hospitalization. It can sometimes be a tipping point for the person "hanging on."

BUT - if a person has an accident, they have it. If they need to be hospitalized, then they need it. They would have died without intervention, so there really is no option or choice - so nothing to feel "If only I hadn't" about. It's natural to feel that way - and to acknowledge that it's natural - but also then understand that the guilt isn't warranted and it's just the way things turned out.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

MickD · ‎03-10-2010

@cutty Sorry to hear about your mom. It must be very difficult to see her in pain. I hope for both her and your family that she was connected with a hospice. Those folks are very knowledgeable and can take a lot of the burden off of you. It is "normal" for a person to have a decreased appetite when on a pain medication. The most important thing is that she is free from pain and kept comfortable right now. Please keep us posted.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.... ~ S & G

glb613 · ‎03-09-2010

@cutty wrote:

A few days ago I called 911 DUE TO EXTREME HIP PAIN SHE WAS SCREAMING. my mom is 83, has dementia with hallucinations. She's only 80 lbs can't walk due to leg pain. I couldn't control her pain with Percocet. She Had house call doctors. My mom was drinking and eating a small amount she lives with me.
When they gave her morphine at the hospital she was out of pain. The doctor told me that she didn't look good and has 3-9 months left. He suggested hospice. I went later to see my mom with my children and my mom seemed fine, actually yelling at us because we had to leave. I called the nurse at night and asked how my mom was and she said the same.
'My mom was released the next evening. I said yes to hospice hoping they could control her pain. She came home by ambulance and she looked spacey didn't say anything to me. My mom did recognize me and my family before. The hospice nurse gave her a pain pill and was hoping the next day to talk to her. My mom was just crying in pain and calling for her mom. I had not slept good in a couple of days. My mom never returned to her own self ( she was talking, eating, drinking) she had delusions, and was always crying in pain. But now she is like a zombie that won't talk eat or drink. I tried lowering her medication but then she'll just cry in pain. I'm heartbroken feel it's my fault and know she will die soon. I feel quilt and cry all day. I feel sick and useless.

''I did get my mom to drink a little and have some applesauce. The last couple of days she will not open her mouth shakes her head no, mumbling and crying. I'm devastated that she won't drink or eat. I don't understand what happened from the hopspital stay to home and it went downhill fast.

This is all normal for the end of life. Make your mother as painfree as possible and follow her lead. The dying process goes through stages and not eating or drinking is one of them. I've been through this with both of my parents and thank goodness they had a living will. No artificial feeding or hydration was what they want and we complied. They both had as much morphine as needed to make them comfortable.