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Super Contributor
Posts: 415
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

 

The one question our family is how can you go from talking, eating before and one day later to not talking, eating and not even recognizing family members. We are baffled. 

I sent her to get help and now she home fading away. 

 

My mom has moderate brain shrinking. I am not offered a  out patient hospice which would be great. My mom screams if I hold her hand.  I can't stand to see her this way. I do not have help. I can't stop crying, I'm not hungry and feel lonely. My mom was like my baby that I watched and took care of for many years. I have siblings that haven't talked to her in years. I don't know how to go on without her.  I have a husband and two children. I don't have the relationship with my daughter that I have with my mother. 

 

My sons birthday is Sunday and haven't even planned anything. He wanted grandma 

to participate. 

 

When I had my mom living with me the last 5 months she would cry of pain and be depressed because she couldn't walk. I tried  to keep her busy but she said she was discusted with herself and would cry. 

 

I don't think I can live in our house after she goes. I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having it rented. I know everyone dies, I'm still sad over my dads death 16 years ago. I am the baby of the family. I don't know how to cope. My mom would guilt me and be sad if I didn't talk to her 10 times a day or not see her on weekends. I feel quilt never wanted her to be lonely.

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

People need to understand that narcotic pain medications sedate people. She can be either pain free but sedated or she can be awake but in pain.Wouldn't you rather she is painfree? There is no way that effective pain medication , if she is in this much pain, aren't going to heavily sedate her.I'm sorry it upsets you to see her sedated, but you have to understand - the medication needed to stop the pain also sedates the patient.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 806
Registered: ‎03-31-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

@cutty

I just went thru this with my dad so I know how you are feeling.  My dad also was medicated with morphine. He was in pain when he was moved and his breathing was like he was panting. My dad didn't open his eyes either for a couple of weeks and did not want to be touched. He would shake his head if anyone tried stroking it and i would rest my hand on his and he would push me away. I still talked to him and he did have visitors who also talked to him. He had stopped eating and drinking also. He was 93. Hospice workers said they get to a certain point and they just don't want to eat. Its not that they can't, they just don't want to. I am sending hugs and prayers to you.

cookin

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,660
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

@Firestripes

I do not understand what you mean by "not being offered outpatient hospice".  CAn you not get your mother into the local (if there is one) INPATIENT hospice facility?

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,435
Registered: ‎03-22-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

@cutty.....you need counseling.....you need to talk to someone who can help you with this.... and I  believe that

 you would be helped with a support group....

 

You have a family.... you are the adult.... it sounds like you are depressed.... and grieving the loss of what was.... life changes and we cant keep it the way we want it....

 

You are losing the relationship you have considered the most important in your life and it sounds like you are afraid....

 

Your children need you.... you need to get a grip on this.... sadly it sounds like you are falling apart.... (((hugs)))

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,595
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice


@Firestripes wrote:

 

The one question our family is how can you go from talking, eating before and one day later to not talking, eating and not even recognizing family members. We are baffled. 

I sent her to get help and now she home fading away. 

 

My mom has moderate brain shrinking. I am not offered a  out patient hospice which would be great. My mom screams if I hold her hand.  I can't stand to see her this way. I do not have help. I can't stop crying, I'm not hungry and feel lonely. My mom was like my baby that I watched and took care of for many years. I have siblings that haven't talked to her in years. I don't know how to go on without her.  I have a husband and two children. I don't have the relationship with my daughter that I have with my mother. 

 

My sons birthday is Sunday and haven't even planned anything. He wanted grandma 

to participate. 

 

When I had my mom living with me the last 5 months she would cry of pain and be depressed because she couldn't walk. I tried  to keep her busy but she said she was discusted with herself and would cry. 

 

I don't think I can live in our house after she goes. I'm dealing with cleaning out her house and having it rented. I know everyone dies, I'm still sad over my dads death 16 years ago. I am the baby of the family. I don't know how to cope. My mom would guilt me and be sad if I didn't talk to her 10 times a day or not see her on weekends. I feel quilt never wanted her to be lonely.

 


I guess I am confused.  Is this the same person as the OP?

 

I know this is hard to go through, and maybe it is "normal" to say you don't want to live in your house after your mom passes BUT if you feel that way after all this, you really should consider grief counseling.  There is a lot going on, especially a mother that guilted you if you didn't call her 10 times a day.  You have a lot on your plate right now, but maybe you should slow down.  Don't clean out your mom's house right now in the middle of all this.  I feel for you.  I have been through this, but through it all, I knew my parents were going to a better place.  I miss them so bad it hurts, but I am living and enjoying my life just like they did.  I hope that you can, too. 

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

BTW As fast things can go bad.  My dad was the caregiver for my mom who had Parkinson's.  He went to coffee 3 times a week with the boys, did the grocery shopping and cooking.  This was one week and the next he was dead!  He ran down fast, went to the hospital and within 24 hours was gone.  Sepsis.  Shocking and heartbreaking to say the least.  I have been there.  My heart aches for you.

 

"Greater is the One living inside of me, than he who is living in the world."
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,960
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice


@KathyPet wrote:

@Firestripes

I do not understand what you mean by "not being offered outpatient hospice".  CAn you not get your mother into the local (if there is one) INPATIENT hospice facility?


I don't understand this either The hospice nurse who came to my Mom's house daily recommended she go to the inpatient facility. She made a few phone calls for approval and an ambulance was there within an hr.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,960
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice


@Affinity wrote:

My mother went through the very same thing, she broke her femur bone, they had to do surgery to repair, she never came back the same. She had stage 1 of dementia, after surgery she went right into stage 4, she was now introducing me as her sister at times. It was sad I could no longer have a conversation with my mother, it was hopeless. I missed that. She did pass away in a nursing home with hospice. When someone enters hospice they are usually given a little booklet, GONE FROM MY SIGHT, this booklet tells you what the dying process is, and eating is one of those processes that your mother will probably experience. 


Yes, I read every page. It helped.

It also said hearing is the last thing they lose, they know you are there

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,778
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

@cutty/@Firestripes,

I totally agree with @game-on in that you would benefit greatly from counseling services.  

 

I think you have been lost in the medical process from the moment your mother fell, and you realized she wasn't doing as well as you thought.   The trauma of that first fall months ago has accelerated the aging process for her, and sent her into a steady decline---mentally and physically.   Narcotic medication is responsible for the changes you question.   

 

I think you need to let go of many issues, and concentrate on helping your mother pass peacefully.   Saying that your mother expected to talk to you at least 10x a day is a form of control, not just loneliness.   You need to get a grip on what's going on, and help your children understand what's happening to grandma.   Everyone needs to work on saying their goodbyes, so that if death comes suddenly, you are not lamenting the fact you didn't get to say what you wanted to say.   

 

Your mother needs to hear you say that it is okay for her to join your dad, and your grandmother.  Tell her you and your children will be okay.  She needs to hear you say it, and months from now, you will be comforted knowing you gave her permission to go.   You may be crying your eyes out because you don't know how to let go, but do not tell your mom not to go.   She knows it is her time, and she is ready, but she needs to hear you say it.   Do not hang onto the false hope your mom still has months left just because of what her doctor may have said.   

 

I urge you to seek counseling thru Hospice, or a grief support group, as I do believe it will be beneficial to you, and your family.   The last thing you and your family can do for your mother is to help her die peacefully in your home, surrounded by those she loves.   Gather your senses and make that final moment one that you and your children remember positively, and brings comfort in the days ahead.   

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: Devastated decline in my mom / hospice

@tends2dogs, NO, it is not the same person as the OP. By sad coincidence there are two different posters going through very similar circumstances at the same time. Both have a thread, both with similar titles.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all