Depression from loss of mother - Page 5

KKlim · ‎06-20-2015

@cookinfreak ... My condolences to you also on the passing of your father. Your post was also heartfelt to read. It's crazy how many of us have lost our father in the past 2 weeks. Bizarre , dark time for me.. we just buried him on Monday so I'm trying to just process the events now. Wish we all lived near each other so we can get together to talk and grieve!

vermint · ‎04-05-2010

@Beautiful life I'm so sorry you are going thru all this. PLEASE try to let go of your guilt...you AND your DH. You did what you thought was best, that's all anyone can do. I don't know for sure, but I really don't think the hospital visit was what made your mom worse...maybe she had a mini-stroke or something, and the timing was just that particular day?

You sound like a devoted daughter, and your mother was wrong to make you feel guilty that you couldn't spend every minute of every day with her. You had a family to care for, too, and a life of your own to live. If she was lonely, why? Was she unable to go out? If she could go out, she could've gone places and made friends. I loved my mother dearly, but I did NOT allow her to make me feel guilty for anything. Children are supposed to be raised to be independent and live their own lives---away from their parents. I'm not saying we shouldn't visit, help them out, take care of them when necessary---we are just not supposed to be their whole lives anymore, until they can no longer take care of themselves. Then, of course, we step back in.

I really don't mean to sound harsh. Everybody grieves differently, and you are absolutely entitled to your grief. Just please don't let it consume you! Your children & DH need you, too. I'm not saying you need to be "strong" all the time, but once your mom has gone, try (as I did) to rejoice that she is out of her pain.

We actually had some laughter at my mom's graveside service. Her body was entombed in a mausoleum. It's a double long space with room for my dad when his time comes (his head will be at her feet). Well, when the casket was placed in the space, it had to be pushed way back. A very wiry little man hopped in to do the job. As he disappeared from view, one of my brothers said "Wait, don't close it, he's not ready to go yet!" Those of us that heard him (we were away from the main group) burst into laughter, and I jabbed him with my elbow. I'm sure the ones who didn't know what was going on thought we were crazy---but that's how my family rolls!

The point of all that is, you WILL find your smile again. Just remember the good times, and the bad ones will gradually fade away. Get whatever help you need to get you thru this.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@Beautiful life,

You, nor your husband should feel guilt for calling an ambulance and sending your mother to the hospital. Since you don't quite understand that your mother's physical health has actually been declining for some time, it would make you feel better to put the blame for what's happening on someone, or some thing. No one did anything to your mother during that visit to cause this rapid decline.

Sadly, what did happen with this last trip to the ER, was that you and your family had to face the reality of your mother's terminal health situation. None of you were prepared to hear the doctors words, and you're not prepared for her death to be sooner than his earlier prediction. This has happened faster than any of you can process.

My first experience with where you are right now was when I was 15; I'm 61 now, and have gone thru this more than 10x since then. Each end of life journey for my loved ones was different, but the end result was the same. Regardless of their diagnosis and what took my loved ones away, I have good memories of being with them at the end, and knowing they were at peace to take their last breath and leave this earth.

The way I see it, you are blessed to have your mother in your home, and be able to help her end her life's journey. Your attitude towards the death process will impact your children in many ways. I urge you to find the strength to cope with your loss in a way that helps your children see that death is a part of our cycle of life. Again, I wish you peace.

Beautiful life · ‎03-11-2010

My mom is still hanging on. My mom relied on me for everything,she hasn't drove for over 15 years. I felt like she was another child to me. My father died 14 years ago he stopped driving due to a brain tumor. I watched over both of them. My mom never wanted to do anything without me. I felt responsible for her loneliness. My brothers didn't bother with her the last 5 years. No phone call on her birthday or Mother's Day. I felt really bad because they hurt her so much.

Yes, my mom did give me the guilt trip a lot. I moved across the road from her so I could

see her almost everyday and if she needed something I was close.

I'm glad my mom was living with me in the end but didn't want to see her die this way

I was hoping she would die in her sleep. Her breathing is rapid now, I was hearing gurgling noises extremely hard to watch . I sing her songs and talk to her.

tomorrow is my sons birthday he's turning 9. He was wanting grandma to attend.

I love my mom ❤️

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@Beautiful life,

My mother could have written a post about her mother so similar to your last one. My grandmother was widowed in her early 70's, and lived to be 98. She manipulated my mom and depended on her for absolutely everything. Mom had older siblings, but even when they were alive, she was still expected to take care of all needs, period. I assure you my mother felt the strain her entire life; 3 kids, a husband and a house on a farm. My grandmother died 2 years before my dad.

Mom spent so much of her life as a caregiver, that when my dad died, his doctor urged my brothers and I to encourage her to get involved in something for herself. Caregiving had been her main job for so long, she did not know what to do with herself after their deaths. Mom had complete peace of mind in having done everything she knew to do for her mother and husband; there was no prolonged grieving or sadness after their deaths, and she was ready to live for herself. Up until her ministroke, and giving up driving, my Mom was quite involved with her church, and friends in her ladies circle. She had some very good years in her 70's.

I urge you to wrap your head around moving forward with your family. As it is, your son is always going to remember his 9th birthday, and I hope you have planned a celebration for him, as he is only 9 once. For my oldest daughter, her 8th birthday stands out, as my aunt committed suicide the day before. I still had her birthday party as planned, along with our family celebration, and we still made it a good day for her. My MIL died the day after my youngest daughter's birthday. Life's events aren't always at our convenience, but we adjust our schedules and our attitudes to cope with them.

Your mom felt your love every day, and you well know how she felt about her grandchildren. She would want you to live your life, loving and enjoying your family. Know that when she lets go, she will be at peace with your dad and her mother on the other side.

pitdakota · ‎03-16-2010

@Beautiful life wrote:

My mom is still hanging on. My mom relied on me for everything,she hasn't drove for over 15 years. I felt like she was another child to me. My father died 14 years ago he stopped driving due to a brain tumor. I watched over both of them. My mom never wanted to do anything without me. I felt responsible for her loneliness. My brothers didn't bother with her the last 5 years. No phone call on her birthday or Mother's Day. I felt really bad because they hurt her so much.

Yes, my mom did give me the guilt trip a lot. I moved across the road from her so I could
see her almost everyday and if she needed something I was close.

I'm glad my mom was living with me in the end but didn't want to see her die this way
I was hoping she would die in her sleep. Her breathing is rapid now, I was hearing gurgling noises extremely hard to watch . I sing her songs and talk to her.

tomorrow is my sons birthday he's turning 9. He was wanting grandma to attend.
I love my mom ❤️

______________________________________________________

@Beautiful life, unfortunately there are times in our lives when the roles reverse with our parents. They become the children and the children become the parents. That is exactly what you have had to do and you have been a good daughter.

Please don't blame yourself. With dementia and other health problems such as a fractured hip, people can take a turn for the worse on a spin of a dime with no warning. It wasn't you sending her to the hospital. Your mother's condition would have been the same even if you hadn't sent her to the hospital. It just happens at times very quickly. You are not responsible for that. You are in between a rock and hard place in that you were told she would not survive the surgery to repair her hip. Severe pain and dementia can place an unbelievable strain on the body & brain.

It is so very hard to do, but hang in there and be strong for your mother. Let that be your guide and strength right now. As I think you know, sounds like her time is near.

Do what you can to celebrate your son' birthday tomorrow, but be honest with him about his grandma. Explain to him that you can't do what you would like to do for his birthday right now because grandma needs all of you. Be honest with him and tell him she is dying right now and needs everyone. This is an opportunity for him to start learning a little about caring for others & making sacrifices. You can also make a deal with him that you will do something special next month for his birthday.

Of course it is hard to say how much longer your mother will have, but you can work to get things back on track later. Please make sure and take advantage of the services that Hospice has for you in terms of dealing with grief. It is not a sign of weakness or that you are doing anything wrong. Everyone can use some guidance and support when they are going through something you are facing right now.

This is one of the hardest things some of us have to go through. But taking care of your mother and being there for her is what will matter to you in the long run after she is gone. It is impossible to juggle all of your roles and responsibilities right now, so focus on what is the most important. Continue to talk and sing to your Mom.

I am sending cyber hugs, you will need some tender loving care yourself after you see this through.

* Freedom has a taste the protected will never know *