Community Chat

[cherry]

Just love them.Perhaps you can make a dish and take it to them ,on occasion.The husband is swamped, and needs all of the support he can get ,as well

My mom had Alzheimer's and sometimes ,just a new face cheers them up. If it is a bad time for them , you can just say ,I stopped by to say hello, and bring you these____ because I want you to know how much you both  mean to us

[PamfromCT]

@violann, I feel so badly for you.  All I can say is “I know.”

Thank you for advising people never to judge.  My mother had perfect health until the last years of her life.  Then, her health deteriorated to the point she needed skilled nursing care 24/7.

She was even still hospitalized many times.  Whenever anyone says, “I would never put my parent in a nursing home” I cringe.  It is your duty to ensure your parent gets the medical care they need and deserve.  And we were there all the time, visiting and ensuring she was being well taken care of.  It is tough, but we felt it was our duty and honor to oversee she had the best of care.  Was it easy?  No.  My mother went to heaven ten years ago, and I still miss her so.

[janeec]

Many with dementia, especially in the early stages, have anxiety as they change from reality to the past, and back.  They realize something is happening to them.  Once they are completely in the past, their anxiety is reduced.  It's the process that is scary for all.

A helpful item is a notebook that all who visit, or call (this is for the caregiver, her husband) write in the notebook what happens and who visit.  Everyday someone can review this with her.  

Do visit her.  Many people are afraid to be near those with dementia.  The opposite is needed.  Enjoy what moments you can with your friend.  It will bring her comfort, and her husband as well. 

[Harpa]

link

I'm a strong proponent of proper diet!

[Nonametoday]

Yes, so many sweet and accurate points made in all these posts.  One thing that is very important to her will be you, a friend from her past.  They seem to do better when they are with people from their past.  They might not always be coherent and cognizant, especially when tired or moving to different environments but familiar faces are good for them.

I suggest you read the book "The 36-hour day."  It is such a great book that spells out some of the pitfalls but some of the greater times and good advice in dealing with dementia patients.  My mother had Alzheimer's and my husband does now.  They were entirely different but exactly alike in that she was pleasantly demented and he is angry.  

They remember the past much better than the present, oh that long-term memory.  She enjoyed most everything from day to day, even when she was chairfast and in pain; my husband, on the other hand, enjoys so little.  She was cheerful in the worst of times and he is angry most of the time.  He is constantly complaining, condemning and criticizing both the grown children, the grandchildren and of course, me.  He is almost violent in his outbursts.

My mother enjoyed her siblings and her old friends, most of whom she outlived.  My husband does as well and that seems to be the only time he is happy, with his siblings or his friends from his youth.  My mother rarely recognized me but recognized my husband.  She thought our children were my siblings.  She would ask where were my children and why did they not come to see her (while talking to them).    

In their past, my mother and husband had similar personalities.  They were very laid-back, never met a stranger, never complained, just took life in stride and knew things would work out for them.  I was the worrier and they both admonished me to quit worrying (mostly about my children). 

But their dementia made them different.  He is totally opposite of what he was and my mother although forgetful and recalling the past constantly, was still a happy person until she died.  She did have days near the end where she was in constant pain but she never complained but you could see it in her face.

Doctors have explained to me the difference and why some are angry and others are pleasant, but it still hurts to see my husband so angry.  That is the part that I do not recognize and find hard to deal with.  It's a day-to-day struggle.  

[jellyBEAN]

You've gotten very good advice here.  When you go to visit, bring along a favorite food item that you remember she liked back in the day.  If she was into gardening, perhaps some flowers to brighten her surroundings.  Enter her world - that's the best advice.  Don't argue over facts.  Do not try and reason.  Dementia is severe inflammation of the brain.  The brain is like swiss cheese.  It can't always make the right connections anymore.

It is an extremely difficult condition to accept, both for the individual AND the caretaker.  And it can last YEARS.  My Mom's downfall was 10 years in the making beginning at age 85 and lasting until she was 96 1/2.  It makes me cry just the thought of it.  Anyway, follow the tips as mentioned in your thread.  All very good advice.

[sidsmom]

So many good suggestions upthread!

Seems we all have a story.

My mother is in her mid-90s w/ later stages of dementia.

The nurses at her nursing home had some sage advice.

Their code of conduct is to always tell the truth.

If she gets agitated, change the subject.

Mom doesn’t get upset very often but she repeats herself

or asks me the same question 2-3x every minute. 

I’ll continue to answer...but around that time, I’ll pull out

some pictures & let her look at them. 

I know it’s hard to see someone we love turn into a different person.

Being patient is key. And sometimes...just let her talk.

Good luck🌼💛

[on the bay]

@Nonametoday =

Your post made me cry.

Such a loving thoughtful post.

[just bee]

@Shorty2U 

Yes, this is all very good advice.  And @violann is absolutely correct about the role of the caregiver and the agony of making decisions about the care of the person who is living with a cruel -- perhaps the most cruel -- disease.

Just know that no matter what you do you will second guess yourself and feel guilty.

If I had to boil down all the advice into one small piece I'd have to tell you to do one thing.  Be patient.  It's one of the hardest things to do on some days because you'll find yourself so tired and so angry.  But remind yourself that you're not angry at the person -- you're angry at this horrible disease.

[ROMARY]

I haven't read the other replies.

Sometimes it's a new medication or interaction with another med/meds, or a urinary tract infection (UTI) that causes confusion.

(I've seen this happen.)

I'm only guessing that she's been under recent doctor's care?  If not, an office visit would be helpful.

An ER doc told me that he's observed/treated even people in their 40's who have been very confused due to UTI's.