Community Chat

[JustJazzmom]

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@KathyPet wrote:

MAking such a promise is absurd.  NOne of us know what the future will hold.  WHat is a child to do if a parent required "skilled nursing care"?   HOw is someone who is not a trained registered nurse supposed to deal with a patient with severe, substantial medical needs?

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And if you are a trained registered nurse who is a caregiver, is that fair to that person? Why should that person be burdened by themselves to care for someone -- just because they are a 'trained' (gawd how I hate that term for our profession like we are animals in a circus) registered nurse doesn't mean they hold an exclusivity to home care of people. Everyone who is a caregiver regardless of what profession they are/were in will need assistance in some way to care for a loved one in their home.

[chihuahuamom]

Yes, I have heard this commercial with that question several times on TV.  My reply each time is it's not fair to ask anyone to promise something like that.  It's nice to be able to keep and stay in your home as you grow old, but often it's not the best solution. My DH passed away with Alzheimers. I wanted to take care of him on my own in our home, but he was a danger to himself with steps and wandering.  I was losing my mind as well because he would become agitated.. Putting him a quality memory care place was the best solution for us both.

[Puzzle Piece]

Promises can be broken.  I agree it's not fair to ask others to promise such a thing. 

Lost my FIL recently ( a welcome thing as he was in pain and agony) and he wanted and insisted on dying at home.  The hospital or convalescent hospital would have been best but he insisted.  He did get hospice care and he ended up dying amongst strangers which he didn't want.  He also died an angry man as he felt shortchanged that he didn't live as long as he wanted to and died the way he did.   

[qualitygal]

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@Mellie32 wrote:

Every time I see that "A Place for Mom" commercial I wonder why that company chose to ignore Dad.

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Not the case in our family, but a lot of times, mom is left after dad passes. JMHO>

[qualitygal]

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@KathyPet wrote:

MAking such a promise is absurd.  NOne of us know what the future will hold.  WHat is a child to do if a parent required "skilled nursing care"?   HOw is someone who is not a trained registered nurse supposed to deal with a patient with severe, substantial medical needs?

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Yep, I moved right on from mom's tending to dad, then she passed from cancer, and I took over dad's care. I was helping her too. Luckily my brother helped and my sister when she could. But we had visiting doctors. Each person has their own medical things going on. Dad during all this time had to have his legs wrapped due to lymphodemia, and he had to be given shots for Diabetes. You have to do what you have to do. When it's beyond what you can do, you find out what you need to do next. Definitely, have all paperwork signed sealed and delivered while everyone is well, so that the plan made while they are well, can be carried out to the best of everyone's ability. It's hard.

[AngelPuppy1]

I have to say that I really feel so torn when I am put in these positions.  People don't realize that it is rather unfair to do this.  I mean, yes, they want to be sure that things are taken care of, but to make one promise to do something when you can't possibly know what is going to happen down the road, is really, really unfair.  I am not one to make promises or to take the idea of a promise lightly.  If I make one, I expect to keep it and I expect others to.  If someone asks you to promise to do something and it is really a huge thing, well --- it relieves them of a burden, but it puts a huge one on you.  Maybe some people, will just say--- yes, o.k. and then not really seriously consider it.  I try and not ask this of anyone.  Suppose I get so ill and I ask a person, promise me you will take care of me and never, ever let anyone else take over the care until I pass on, and promise that you will not put me in a facility.  This person may have a lot of other responsibilities, may not be financially able, or may become horribly ill themself.  I think if a promise has been made, then a person must do their best to keep it.  But at times it is just not possible to follow through.   I think I would have to say from now on - I promise to do the best that I can!!!! 

[Plaid Pants2]

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@qualitygal wrote:

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@Mellie32 wrote:

Every time I see that "A Place for Mom" commercial I wonder why that company chose to ignore Dad.

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Not the case in our family, but a lot of times, mom is left after dad passes. JMHO>

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There are two different in-home care companies.

One is A Place For Mom, where Joan Lundon is the spokesperson.

The other is Britestar, where in the commercial, the female voice-over says, "Dad made us promise to keep Mom at home".

And fyi, at A Place For Mom, they also find care homes for dads too.

Just because the word "Mom" is in their company name, does not mean that they only place females exclusively.

[jubilant]

Times have changed a lot from when our grandparents and great grandparents were getting older.  My grandmother took care of my grandfather) and her own mother (my great grandmother) for many years.  At one time they were both semi-invalids. In those days your family doctor would come to your home which helped make it possible. Grandpa lived to be 84 and Granny lived till 93. 

 They also were of sound mind, cooperative, and not a danger to grandma or themselves.  Brain disease seems to be growing at a fast pace. People are living longer. Some get violent or suicidal. I know of several cases like this. Nursing homes are a much better answer than those mental institutions of old....but be choosy when looking for one.

With that said, I would like to say....if you have to put a loved one in a home it is important (no matter how good you think the home is) to check in frequently and help make their lives a little better.  Things you can do:

Take some of their favorite foods to them.....take your computer in and take them around the world......go to the musical programs the nursing homes provide and enjoy them as a family.....read to them....put up a Christmas tree and decorate it in front of them....put in a cd of their favorite music....... buy DVD's of their favorite movies.... Call someone they love and let them talk on the phone (my Dad has a sister in FL. and he loves it when we call  her).....just be as involved as you can.......be there more often when they are sick (all nurses and nurses aids are not created equal)......speak up if you think they should send your loved one to the hospital or you notice something different that they may not catch.....I could go on and on but, in my case, they deserve it.  We were much loved and as hard as it is, when I feel my life has been invaded (as I do at times), I remember all the love they gave me.

I realize not everyone feels that way about their parents and I think it is understandable. It would be very hard to be devoted to taking care of an abusive person and I think it is maybe why some people don't have many visitors.  I do understand that.... so please know that I am not judging those who are not as involved.

This is long, I know....but I felt compelled to say something today. We see so many of these people at the nursing home who NEVER get a visitor and it is heartbreaking. 

[Qshopper1991]

 @LilacTree

I take my hat off to you because you had kids and took care of your mom.  That had to be tough.  I can't imagine taking care of my mom along with young children.  Sounds like you did a fantastic job.

So sorry to hear that your mom passed at such a young age. 

[Moonchilde]

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@jubilant wrote:

Times have changed a lot from when our grandparents and great grandparents were getting older.  My grandmother took care of my grandfather) and her own mother (my great grandmother) for many years.  At one time they were both semi-invalids. In those days your family doctor would come to your home which helped make it possible. Grandpa lived to be 84 and Granny lived till 93. 

 They also were of sound mind, cooperative, and not a danger to grandma or themselves.  Brain disease seems to be growing at a fast pace. People are living longer. Some get violent or suicidal. I know of several cases like this. Nursing homes are a much better answer than those mental institutions of old....but be choosy when looking for one.

With that said, I would like to say....if you have to put a loved one in a home it is important (no matter how good you think the home is) to check in frequently and help make their lives a little better.  Things you can do:

Take some of their favorite foods to them.....take your computer in and take them around the world......go to the musical programs the nursing homes provide and enjoy them as a family.....read to them....put up a Christmas tree and decorate it in front of them....put in a cd of their favorite music....... buy DVD's of their favorite movies.... Call someone they love and let them talk on the phone (my Dad has a sister in FL. and he loves it when we call  her).....just be as involved as you can.......be there more often when they are sick (all nurses and nurses aids are not created equal)......speak up if you think they should send your loved one to the hospital or you notice something different that they may not catch.....I could go on and on but, in my case, they deserve it.  We were much loved and as hard as it is, when I feel my life has been invaded (as I do at times), I remember all the love they gave me.

I realize not everyone feels that way about their parents and I think it is understandable. It would be very hard to be devoted to taking care of an abusive person and I think it is maybe why some people don't have many visitors.  I do understand that.... so please know that I am not judging those who are not as involved.

This is long, I know....but I felt compelled to say something today. We see so many of these people at the nursing home who NEVER get a visitor and it is heartbreaking. 

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All very true, @jubilant.  Taking care of someone who is somewhat forgetful and frail but is "there" and cooperative is a far cry from trying to deal with physical issues that are nursing home level, along with true dementia and/or violence/willful UNcooperativeness.

My mother was taken care of at home, to the best of everyone's ability, long after she should have been in a nursing home. And HER health had been broken by taking care of a husband with full-on Alzheimers for too long. There just is a time when it's TIME.

My mom was visited at least once a week, often more. I called her weekly and so did others.  Her room was full of reminders of us in photos, pillows, blankets, books and stuffed animals.

We took the time to chat with or say hi to those other residents my mom had befriended, or to pick up little things for my mom to give them.

Any family might need to have someone go to a nursing home, but they're only "forgotten" there if their family then abandons them.