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Honored Contributor
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Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:

I know. Everyone says that. But if they were given cognitive testing they would have issues. It has to do with them performing well in situations with which they're thoroughly familiar like their work, their homes, etc.. But their ability to quickly adapt to a new situation is always slowed. It is a fact of neurology and any neurologist will confirm this.

Deciding that a man wants some female friendship, 7 years after his wife passed, isn't brain surgery.

Respected Contributor
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Re: Dad has a new friend........

I would be the thorn in her side. She is very suspicious to me, not wanting you to help him as much, he's 86, why not, so she can do it.? Better look out, or she will marry him before you know it. I also would do the 90 minute drive a lot, just to surprise her. Good luck. Talk with your sister too.

mm

"Cats are like potato chips, you can never have just one".
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Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 terrier3 said:
On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:

I know. Everyone says that. But if they were given cognitive testing they would have issues. It has to do with them performing well in situations with which they're thoroughly familiar like their work, their homes, etc.. But their ability to quickly adapt to a new situation is always slowed. It is a fact of neurology and any neurologist will confirm this.

Deciding that a man wants some female friendship, 7 years after his wife passed, isn't brain surgery.

Of course not. It's about the adaptive abilities. It's why otherwise competent elderly get taken in by phone and door-to-door sales scams. They can't think as quickly as the con men or women can talk. It's why they have difficulty dealing with sudden changes in traffic and have those accidents where they think they're braking but are accelerating. And it's why a "considerably younger" woman could worm her way in to his heart and his bank book. It may all be perfectly on the up and up but if I were his daughter I would care enough to check her out. An 86 year old ill man is vulnerable.

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Re: Dad has a new friend........

I would add that your father could change his will without your knowledge.

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Re: Dad has a new friend........

I would spend a bit more time with both of them, and also with just your dad. Ask dad how he's been doing, if he would like to redecorate, how does he feel about his 'friend', etc. Time alone with him is very important. You don't want to be a 'thorn' to your dad right now. Just be there and available a bit more. Also, having a P.I. investigate the friend would be a good idea. That way, you will know for sure. One way or the other. Lots of good luck to your dad and all concerned.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
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Re: Dad has a new friend........

My f-i-l was a practicing psychiatrist until he turned 89. He also had a "younger woman" who moved in with him in his later years. We blessed Gennie every day. When my f-i-l became ill she was there to help. She made sure that he had his meds, ate regularly, and made his doctor appointments. He could could not have had better, more loving care. Not every younger woman is someone to be suspicious of. She was in his will and deserved to be. She loved him very much, and we are ever so grateful she was in his life.
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Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 shamalamadingdong4 said: My f-i-l was a practicing psychiatrist until he turned 89. He also had a "younger woman" who moved in with him in his later years. We blessed Gennie every day. When my f-i-l became ill she was there to help. She made sure that he had his meds, ate regularly, and made his doctor appointments. He could could not have had better, more loving care. Not every younger woman is someone to be suspicious of. She was in his will and deserved to be. She loved him very much, and we are ever so grateful she was in his life.

Thanks for sharing this. It's a scenario that is not uncommon. As I posted earlier, my father is elderly, decades older than his wife, and she has been amazing. A wonderful addition to all of our lives, and we are so grateful to her for more things than I can count.

I guess you & I are in the minority here. I wouldn't jump to unsavory conclusions unless there was reason to do so. You're absolutely right: Not every younger woman is someone to be suspicious of. An older woman could be up to no good too! I'm very much in favor of just letting elderly parents (who are of sound mind, of course) find some happiness.

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Re: Dad has a new friend........

Dear Furry,

I lost my entire family, but I knew My Mother and Father always said if either of them died before the other, they would expect us all to grieve of course, but neither of my parents expected or wanted their spouse to continuing to grieve and never remarry, or at least form a caring kind loving marriage/companionship/relationship with someone else worthy of them.

The bottom line as children of course we all did agreed with what they wanted when they told us their wishes, because let us face it.........when a spouse loves his wife or husband and their family, they do not wish to believe their mate remains by themselves all alone until they die.......nor do that want their children to grieve indefinitely.

When you really love someone you want them to be as happy as they can be, while they still live widowed or as a widower on Earth.

"God did not intend anyone to remain alone out of excessive loyalty, or guilt".

"Life is meant to be shared".

There is a wise old saying "The dead with the dead, and the living with the living, and even though many times I really resented being reminded of that....when enough time passed and my grieving began to lessen a bit, I finally came to accept and understand, the true meaning of those wise words.

The best gift you as the children can actually give to your Father is spend time with both him, and his lady friend.

Do not resent the fact that his lady friend confided in you, because she did it out of great concern for your Father, and I doubt it was done in a malicious manner.

Ask your Father directly if he would like to see some changes made to the house now that some time has passed. Get him to reply so you know what his personal thoughts are. As his children you must all contribute to make his transition easier to bear.........and if his lady friend helps him that is a first step in his healing.

Remember if you can help him facilitate those changes please do, as it probably will make it easier for him to continue living there with some new changes which may help him heal in a healthy way. If you do not he may decide to sell if living there is very sad for him without some changes made which will probably help him cope much better now.

"Also remember no woman or man ever truly expects to replace anyone's Mom or Dad, because those parents are irreplaceable".

All a person can hope for is that in time acceptance will be offered with gracious kindness because every Parent needs not to be lonely and alone, especially when they lost their beloved spouse.......and this is something every widow, widower, their children, and grand children should address, should accept and eventually be happy about. This is how life is meant to be lived while we pass our time here on Earth.

Acceptance is part of life as is living and finding a "friend, new spouse, etc., to enrich your life when you find yourself no longer married, minus your spouse, soul mate, or living companion.

I hope this reply is accepted with appreciation, understanding, and grace, because it comes from someone who has lost all her large immediate family and most relatives here in the U.S.A., and had to go on all alone.

(It comes straight from my heart and I have walked too many grief journeys and know all the pain you are experiencing, as well as the confusion and grief.......which is why I have tried to place all concerns within their proper perspective for everyone".

Now I am blessed and remarried to a wonderful guy, and I can honestly say I fulfilled what my caring wise loving deceased parents, deceased wonderful husband, and my entire family and relatives believed in........and that is "while we still live on Earth, Father time marches on, and stops for nothing or anyone..... No one should remain completely alone, especially if they lose their spouse, soul mate, or companion.

Whether it occurred from divorce or death closure eventually is realized, and Father time still marches on, just as life does.

We should be grateful if we meet someone who truly cares about our parents who now are alone, because they will give them what we children cannot, which is constant companionship, caring, love, affection, company, even yes perhaps even intimacy as intimacy takes many different forms.... and of course other help, and everything that goes with having someone wonderful in life to care about us when we find ourselves alone again with no better half by our side.

Life also means living life to the fullest on Earth...... while we still can, and when it is all said and done all we take as we depart from this Earth is our precious memories and the love from those who remain behind.

We also leave our love with our loved ones who remain behind so they also have their own wonderful loving memories to sustain them, until we all meet again.

God promises when one door closes another door opens......and it can open here on Earth, as well as in a new everlasting realm of eternal peace, joyous deceased family reunions, all blessed with God's infinite eternal grace and love.


Please know I wish all of you well Furry.......and also please do remember love means sharing, caring, and truly understanding.

Honored Contributor
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Re: Dad has a new friend........

BRAVO - NYC Susan and adoreqvc....

Beautiful posts!!!

Starting a relationship with your dad's new friend under a cloud of suspicion will never work.

I agree to STAY CLOSE - make her your friend and ally - you might be pleasantly surprised!

If circumstances take a turn for the worse, you will be close and will be able to protect your father.

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Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/26/2015 terrier3 said:

BRAVO - NYC Susan and adoreqvc....

Beautiful posts!!!

Starting a relationship with your dad's new friend under a cloud of suspicion will never work.

I agree to STAY CLOSE - make her your friend and ally - you might be pleasantly surprised!

If circumstances take a turn for the worse, you will be close and will be able to protect your father.

Many thanks for your kind reply terrier3,

Losing those we have loved brings forth a special pain, understanding, and wisdom.

That also brings deep realization that life is really too short and should be shared with others.

As human beings we can experience all facets of everything good in our lives if we open our hearts which in turn shall brings us inner grace, as well as God's understanding of why he placed us her on his glorious earth.

There are many reasons why no one should go it alone, especially if there are still in good health and have the chance to experience other happier options.

One is definitely a very lonely number......but 2 makes the world go around, as is stated in that song "love makes the world go round".

After all every form of love is grand, and is also a very unique and special gift,.

A God given gift which should embrace earthly life, embrace love, kindness and compassionate, and share it all, because having Faith, hope, doing kind deeds, giving and receiving love and making, sharing and having treasured memories, are all that truly matter.

They all truly matter especially since we all only pass through this life on God's green earth only one time, and deserve every opportunity bestowed to us by our Creator, with gratitude, inner grace and heartfelt wisdom.