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Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,330
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 lifeisgood said:
On 3/25/2015 qualitygal said:

MY OPINION ONLY, since I too did a lot of tending to my dad. Treat her as a care giver. She needs to move out unless you are paying her to be there 24/7. How'd she get there in the first place? Your dad's money, he can ask YOU if he wants some house changes, though it's better to do some stuff later. Repairs, yes. You need to take this horse by the reins! Just my opinion, I'm not there, don't know the inner fixings, but I'd bring in a variety of care givers and take back your dad's care and finances, and control his situation. Just my standing.

I came back to add, my dad was housebound and needed care givers, had Alzheimer's going on and that sort of situation. Yours may be different. I hope he's given you Power of Attorney. If not speak to him about it. I just don't trust some people, and they seem innocent, and they're all about the possibility of buck$. JMHO

While I agree with the statement here....both of my parents had everything in order, even years before their health declined. I remember them both telling me, that they didn't want me having to fight the courts someday, for what was rightfully mine.

Great! My folk's were thoughtful like that too.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,480
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

Qualitygal makes a point I had not thought about. Please make sure it is clear to this lady that she is not his caregiver. If she believes she was hired in that capacity, she could come back at a later date with all the dates and times she was at his house and ask to be compensated.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,179
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

How much younger is this lady? Does she have a home? I would be cautious. It could be innocent.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,954
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

I wouldn't just ""grin and bear it.""

I would accept her with open arms and make her a friend and ally.

Your dad deserves to have his house decorated the way he wishes....not the way you wish.

Help her help him.

Plus the closer you get to her...the better you will be able to gauge if she is a golddigger or truly loves your dad.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 617
Registered: ‎08-03-2011

Re: Dad has a new friend........

I will keep all of this in mind. It's not an easy situation. I have decided to visit as much as possible even though it's a 90 minute drive one way. I will continue to treat her as a friend and observe her carefully. In addition, I will talk with my sister as I begin to learn more about this woman.

This woman does have her own place and retired from a government job. However, my dad is worth about 900,000.00. He has a will and we know where it is and my sister has power of attorney of his health care. In addition, although he he is elderly, he is in his right mind. I just want to make sure that he is safe and happy. I know that he is dealing with depression which can cause people to behave differently. I just don't want him to be taken advantage of. He misses my mom so much. Hopefully this woman cares as much as she appears to. I can be a rose or a thorn. It depends on how things play out. I tend to tread lightly and carefully. Thank you all so much for the advice!

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,520
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

You can verify this with your father's doctor but no one who is 86 is without some cognitive issues even if you don't notice them. It's not that they don't think clearly but they do think more slowly and overall are much more trusting. It's why so many elderly end up being scammed by telemarketers, etc..

A "considerably younger" woman who is staying more and more at your Dad's place is highly suspect. Get real. Why would she be romantically interested in an 86 year old? He has probably told her what he has for resources. I would bet anything she's planning marriage and her comments were to get you and your sister to redecorate the house in preparation. Google her. Check out what she has on social media. Hire a PI to do a background check. She's making herself indispensable to him and even to you as you mention that she eases your burden of duty a bit. This is not about whether or not your Dad has the right to live his own life but at that age someone needs to do due diligence. If she turns out to be on the up and up then you can give them your blessing - but make sure he writes a new will or she'll get at least 1/3 of his estate when he dies. Even if the current will is still in place, in most states a widow's claim can override the will and she'll receive 1/3.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,690
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

One of my husbands best friends lost his wife to cancer several years ago after 50+ years of marriage. His children live in the same town, so they were in and out every day, and very helpful with cooking, cleaning, etc. Still, he seemed so down and depressed, until he announced that he had a lady friend. She had pursued him, and from the get go he made it very clear to her that he was not interested in anything more than friendship. She wanted a male companion to get her out of the house for dinner, movies, church functions, etc., and was even willing to pay her own way. Their relationship is over now. After awhile this woman began to expect more togetherness, as well as expecting him to always pay her way at dinners and functions, plus she began to apply a lot of pressure about taking trips, and even cruises together, which made him uncomfortable. His children were accepting of this woman's presence, and were grateful their dad was not sitting in the house depressed. Even though their friendship has ended, my husbands friend is in a better place today as far as coping with being alone, and has benefitted greatly from that relationship.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,444
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

It is wise to pay close attention to what is going on with your dad. I know I can sometimes be cynical and immediately jump to conclusions.

But looking at this through a different lens, I feel you are fortunate to have someone looking after your dad given the distance you live from him. As far as painting the walls...well, if they have not been painted in the last seven years, perhaps she is merely giving you and your sister a little nudge to help your father with some routine home maintenance.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,954
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:

You can verify this with your father's doctor but no one who is 86 is without some cognitive issues even if you don't notice them. It's not that they don't think clearly but they do think more slowly and overall are much more trusting. It's why so many elderly end up being scammed by telemarketers, etc..

A "considerably younger" woman who is staying more and more at your Dad's place is highly suspect. Get real. Why would she be romantically interested in an 86 year old? He has probably told her what he has for resources. I would bet anything she's planning marriage and her comments were to get you and your sister to redecorate the house in preparation. Google her. Check out what she has on social media. Hire a PI to do a background check. She's making herself indispensable to him and even to you as you mention that she eases your burden of duty a bit. This is not about whether or not your Dad has the right to live his own life but at that age someone needs to do due diligence. If she turns out to be on the up and up then you can give them your blessing - but make sure he writes a new will or she'll get at least 1/3 of his estate when he dies. Even if the current will is still in place, in most states a widow's claim can override the will and she'll receive 1/3.

My uncle is 92 and still works as a traveling salesman.

He is as sharp as he ever was.

My neighbor is at least 86 and works 6 days a week - 9 hours a day at a florist shop she owns. STILL sharp as they come!

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,520
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Dad has a new friend........

On 3/25/2015 terrier3 said:
On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:

You can verify this with your father's doctor but no one who is 86 is without some cognitive issues even if you don't notice them. It's not that they don't think clearly but they do think more slowly and overall are much more trusting. It's why so many elderly end up being scammed by telemarketers, etc..

A "considerably younger" woman who is staying more and more at your Dad's place is highly suspect. Get real. Why would she be romantically interested in an 86 year old? He has probably told her what he has for resources. I would bet anything she's planning marriage and her comments were to get you and your sister to redecorate the house in preparation. Google her. Check out what she has on social media. Hire a PI to do a background check. She's making herself indispensable to him and even to you as you mention that she eases your burden of duty a bit. This is not about whether or not your Dad has the right to live his own life but at that age someone needs to do due diligence. If she turns out to be on the up and up then you can give them your blessing - but make sure he writes a new will or she'll get at least 1/3 of his estate when he dies. Even if the current will is still in place, in most states a widow's claim can override the will and she'll receive 1/3.

My uncle is 92 and still works as a traveling salesman.

He is as sharp as he ever was.

My neighbor is at least 86 and works 6 days a week - 9 hours a day at a florist shop she owns. STILL sharp as they come!

I know. Everyone says that. But if they were given cognitive testing they would have issues. It has to do with them performing well in situations with which they're thoroughly familiar like their work, their homes, etc.. But their ability to quickly adapt to a new situation is always slowed. It is a fact of neurology and any neurologist will confirm this.