Re: Dad has a new friend........

HiLo · ‎03-10-2010

On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:
On 3/25/2015 terrier3 said:
On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:
I know. Everyone says that. But if they were given cognitive testing they would have issues. It has to do with them performing well in situations with which they're thoroughly familiar like their work, their homes, etc.. But their ability to quickly adapt to a new situation is always slowed. It is a fact of neurology and any neurologist will confirm this.

Deciding that a man wants some female friendship, 7 years after his wife passed, isn't brain surgery.

Of course not. It's about the adaptive abilities. It's why otherwise competent elderly get taken in by phone and door-to-door sales scams. They can't think as quickly as the con men or women can talk. It's why they have difficulty dealing with sudden changes in traffic and have those accidents where they think they're braking but are accelerating. And it's why a "considerably younger" woman could worm her way in to his heart and his bank book. It may all be perfectly on the up and up but if I were his daughter I would care enough to check her out. An 86 year old ill man is vulnerable.

I agree. I live in a Sr. community and have seen the way many seniors behave behind the wheel as they approach 80. Very few who live even till 84 have the abilities of the above posters uncle. Even in my community very few have even lived to 90 years of age.

I would love to see your Dad have a woman companion but it would be nice to know her motives.

adoreqvc · ‎03-09-2010

On 3/26/2015 HiLo said:
On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:
On 3/25/2015 terrier3 said:
On 3/25/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:
I know. Everyone says that. But if they were given cognitive testing they would have issues. It has to do with them performing well in situations with which they're thoroughly familiar like their work, their homes, etc.. But their ability to quickly adapt to a new situation is always slowed. It is a fact of neurology and any neurologist will confirm this.

Deciding that a man wants some female friendship, 7 years after his wife passed, isn't brain surgery.

Of course not. It's about the adaptive abilities. It's why otherwise competent elderly get taken in by phone and door-to-door sales scams. They can't think as quickly as the con men or women can talk. It's why they have difficulty dealing with sudden changes in traffic and have those accidents where they think they're braking but are accelerating. And it's why a "considerably younger" woman could worm her way in to his heart and his bank book. It may all be perfectly on the up and up but if I were his daughter I would care enough to check her out. An 86 year old ill man is vulnerable.

I agree. I live in a Sr. community and have seen the way many seniors behave behind the wheel as they approach 80. Very few who live even till 84 have the abilities of the above posters uncle. Even in my community very few have even lived to 90 years of age.

I would love to see your Dad have a woman companion but it would be nice to know her motives.

Perhaps one of his children already have power of attorney for him?

If not they should contact their attorney and ask the attorney to run a thorough background check on his lady friend just to be on the safe side, and I hope she is sincere with no hidden motives.

(Many attorneys retained for years will not charge for background checks......mine dies not).

luvmyteddy4 · ‎09-04-2010

Since your sister has POA I would have her keep an eye on his finances.

I know someone in a very similar situation and now the GF is asking for "spending money" and not just a small amount. Not sure what she does since they go out and he spends money on her. The daughter is his POA and has control over his money and he has money. The GF has her own place and helps out but this is suspicious now. She wants to be paid to take care of him. He does not need senior care help, more like going to doctors appts. and companionship.

She doesn't work and is much younger. The daughter sat her down because her father loves this women she has decided to give her some spending money for now but not as much as she asked for. Daughter is very unhappy about the situation and feels like he is being used.

If the GF needs money to pay her mortgage she should go to work and they hire someone else to help out. The daughter is a home health nurse and visits him quite often so she knows his condition.

I would say as long as your father is happy and she is not a gold digger then I would keep an eye on her, his finances and ask your father what he wants and let him be happy as long as it's on the up and up. I still haven't heard how long they have been together, that would make a difference.

Love my grandkids · ‎11-24-2013

A person can hire a private investigator to do a background check, you don't have to hire an attorney.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

On 3/26/2015 terrier3 said:
BRAVO - NYC Susan and adoreqvc....

Beautiful posts!!!

Starting a relationship with your dad's new friend under a cloud of suspicion will never work.

I agree to STAY CLOSE - make her your friend and ally - you might be pleasantly surprised!

If circumstances take a turn for the worse, you will be close and will be able to protect your father.

Thanks!

Yes, it would likely be far more beneficial to welcome this woman into their lives. Not to dig into her past or shadow her as though she's a criminal, but to get to know her and to enjoy her.

I just don't see the need to be suspicious without reason. The woman's age wouldn't automatically make me question her motives. And if the man is of sound mind and happy, I really believe that his children shouldn't let their own emotions get in the way of his happiness.

AnikaBrodie · ‎03-10-2010

Widowhood can be very lonely. Make an attempt to get to know his lady friend. You might be surprised that you have a lot in common and find that she makes your dad's life happy and worth living. Your dad may have a lot of years ahead of him and he deserves to share them with someone who loves him without reservation.

"Faith, Hope, Love; the greatest of these is Love." ~The Silver Fox~

BellaPaprika · ‎03-09-2010

On 3/26/2015 AnikaBrodie said:
Widowhood can be very lonely. Make an attempt to get to know his lady friend. You might be surprised that you have a lot in common and find that she makes your dad's life happy and worth living. Your dad may have a lot of years ahead of him and he deserves to share them with someone who loves him without reservation.

Be realistic. The man is 86 years old and ill. It's doubtful that he has a ""lot of years"" ahead of him. And you have no way of knowing if this ""considerably younger"" person loves him or not. More than likely not. More than likely she sees an easy mark. The situation needs to be checked out by his family. If she turns out to be genuine then no harm done.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

On 3/26/2015 BlueCollarBabe said:
On 3/26/2015 AnikaBrodie said:
Widowhood can be very lonely. Make an attempt to get to know his lady friend. You might be surprised that you have a lot in common and find that she makes your dad's life happy and worth living. Your dad may have a lot of years ahead of him and he deserves to share them with someone who loves him without reservation.

Be realistic. The man is 86 years old and ill. It's doubtful that he has a "lot of years" ahead of him. And you have no way of knowing if this "considerably younger" person loves him or not. More than likely not. More than likely she sees an easy mark. The situation needs to be checked out by his family. If she turns out to be genuine then no harm done.

I disagree with "more likely than not". In my experience that's simply not true.

The OP also doesn't know the woman's age. She said she appears to be considerably younger, but she may not be that much younger than he is. I think a lot of posters here are making way too big a deal of this woman's age - and no one even knows what it is!

Why not assume the best of people? Get to know her in a non-confrontational way. From what the OP has written, I'm willing to bet that she's a good person with no ulterior motives and has probably made this man's life much brighter.

shorelady · ‎03-10-2010

Op......for some reason, I keep coming back to this thread. I know that some posts are all sunshine and lollipops with everything is wonderful and now he has someone to take care of him and to love him and he to love her in return. No one here or even you, the OP, know any of this to be true. Before it is much too late, it may be wise to spend more time with them. And above all, the most telltale sign of a problem is if this woman won't allow you to spend time alone with your Dad.

My maiden aunt lived in a rather large home after her parents died. Soon a "caring" (she was anything but) cousin moved in and began to run my aun't life. My aunt's will stated that all her siblings were to share in her estate. Things seemed strange when I visited because this cousin never wanted us to be alone or to take my aunt anywhere. I tried to tell my Mom and Dad that something is not right, but they insisted the cousin was there to only help. Fast forward, Aunt passes away, will was changed shortly before her death and (you guessed it) caring cousin walked away with everything which was quite substantial. Yes, my aunt should have known better, but sometimes the elderly especially can be hoodwinked into thinking this is for the best. Come to find out, the long-standing family attorney had her hand in it also. One can never be too careful.

There was one post that particularly concerned me. It contained all sorts of quotes regarding loneliness and how it almost went as far as to state that it is almost mandatory to seek out someone after the death of a spouse because that would be the spouse's wish. I am a widow approaching the 10-month mark, and the last thing on my mind is a future with someone else. My DH was a wonderful man who would want me to be happy. Am I going against his wishes for me to be happy if I don't find someone? I hardly think so. I don't feel that there is anyone who could replace my DH, and I do not feel that is wrong or abnormal. At my age, most men are looking for a nurse or a purse or both, and I don't intend to fall victim to either.