Community Chat

[chrystaltree]

I'd give her the exact same amount you gave her sister.  It's fair.  My younger daughter got married 4 years ago and we gave her $18,000 to be used for the wedding and we bought her wedding gown.  They had a $$$ wedding and since they were both college graduates with high incomes; they paid for the balance themselves. My guess is that their wedding cost about $40k.   I know the groom's parents contributed but I don't know how much.   My older daughter got married in June,  Her wedding was the opposite of her sister's, she took $10,000 of her wedding money the year before to buy her house and they got married and held their reception in the garden of that lovely little house.  We gave her the remaining $8000 and we bought her wedding dress.  Granted, it was 10% of what her sister's wedding dress cost but it was the gown she wanted.   We put their wedding money into an account when we sold our home 9 years ago and we planned to give them each 50%, regardless of the circumstances or the type of wedding they planned or how old they would be when they got married.  They are 14 months apart and we have always bent over backwards to treat tbem equally.  Not identically, equally.  However, if you can't afford to give your second daughter the same amount you gave her sister,  don't.  But be honest and open and explain to her exactly why you can't.  Otherwise, you risk making trouble between the two sisters and creating a rift in the family. 

[Libbylady]

Our 3 sons married and we were able to assist with 2 of the weddings.  One family would not accept anything from us.

We gave the same amount to that son as we had spent on the other two boys.  He used it for the honeymoon and an apartment.

I believe it was fair in the long run.  College and dorm costs were more for the younger son.  It all works out in the end.  If you get into percentages of cost of living over the years it will just get messy. 

[Noel7]

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@cherry wrote:

I would give everyone, exactly the same amount. You mentioned they can afford to pay for what they want, so I would let them

Its unfair to give one, more than another

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THIS ^^^^^^^

@cherry

[gidgetgh]

I agree with most of the others, same amount. 

Now, this is in no way a reflection of the OP's situation, just about wedding costs in general,  but I absolutely can't wrap my head around the cost of some weddings now. I'm a spender, show me a new, cute purse and I have to have it, but there is just no way I could justify spending that kind of money.  It blows my mind. Some brides have multiple dresses and then there's favors that the guests are going to throw away the nano second they get home and multiple cakes and it's just all too much. At the end of the day, you're just as married as I am and we spent $1,400 total on my wedding, including my dress, back in 1991.  My parents graciously paid for it, even though I was 35 and we could pay for it ourselves. And The people who get married at the city clerk's office for the cost of the license are just as married as I am. 

In any case, best wishes to your daughter @LexPex. Exciting time for your family. 

[maestra]

Ideas:

Elope and put $ toward their future...a home, education, children, travel, etc.

Small wedding-private in a church, immediate family both sides, pick beautiful restaurant for wedding luncheon or dinner. $ for future...

The whole meghilla...

Best wishes to you and yours at this happy event.

[Krimpette]

It just boggles my mind on how much people choose to spend on weddings.  But that's neither here nor their.  I would give them the same amount.  You and/or your husband were apparently working at the time of the first wedding.  Finances are different come retirement.  My thoughts are that your engaged daughter and fiance should offer to pony up more for their wedding, since you guys are retired and since they have good jobs and could probably afford the wedding on their own.  Or maybe they should pay for the wedding themselves and just use your $25K for something like a downpayment on a home?

[maestra]

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@gidgetgh wrote:

I agree with most of the others. 

Now, this is in no way a reflection of the OP's situation, just about wedding costs in general,  but I absolutely can't wrap my head around the cost of some weddings now. I'm a spender, show me a purse and I have to have it, but there is just no way I could justify spending that kind of money.  It blows my mind. Some brides have multiple dresses and then there's favors that the guests are going to throw away the nano second they get home and multiple cakes and it's just all too much. At the end of the day, you're just as married as I am and we spent $1,400 total on my wedding, including my dress, back in 1991.  My parents graciously paid for it, even though I was 35 and we could pay for it ourselves. And The people who get married at the city clerk's office for the cost of the license are just as married as I am. 

In any case, best wishes to your daughter @LexPex. Exciting time for your

family. 

I married in 2005 and our wedding for 32 people was about $3000.00. It was intimate and European in feeling. Not a judgment on OP's family at all, just my experience.

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[RedTop]

I think you set the precedent for this with daughter number one, and need to maintain that monetary level for each child.

I absolutely would not let inflation come into the picture as to giving daughter, and son more money, especially since they have good jobs and can afford a big wedding.   

[Mominohio]

I know it seems some time has passed, and that costs just continue to rise, but if it were me, I'd give them each the same regardless.

Giving more just because you think you should or because you can, really isn't 'fair' and with multiple kids, I think people should keep it as equal as they possibly can. 

And while I make no judgement about people paying for their children's weddings, I will offer my stance for our family. We told our son very young that we would never pay for a wedding. If it was something he felt was important, he was going to have to find a way to pay for it. I think if more young people had to foot the entire bill, we'd see fewer big weddings. 

I don't care for the huge expense of weddings that now more than 50% end in divorce. I don't believe in a big expensive party when many young couples should be focusing on the actual marriage, or using such huge sums of money to get started on their new life (invest, buy a house, furnish a home etc.). 

Again, if people choose to have expensive weddings, and if parents want to pay for that, it certainly isn't unreasonable or wrong in any way. I just have never found any real value in it, for the parents or for the young couple. 

[MickD]

@LexPex Congrats!  Can you adopt me?  Your daughters are very lucky to have you and your DH!  I think pay as much as you can afford.  I was 27 when I got married.  My mom paid for the gown.  My dad paid the bar tab, and we paid for the rest.....we had careers and were adults.