Cleaning out parents house- so difficult

gidgetgh · ‎03-09-2010

This is a long post, so if you don't like long posts, feel free to pass it by.

My mother passed away almost 5 years ago. We went through her clothes and personal items shortly after she died and took the things we wanted and donated the rest. Through the years, my sister, dad and I have pared down a few other things also.

My father had a stroke in August and is in assisted living. We didn't know if he'd be able to return home so my sister, my husband and I have just cleaned out a little, here and there since then but it's still been ready....enough... for him to come back to.

While my dad is doing well, we've decided that returning home to their condo, which is on the 2nd floor (with no elevator) wouldn't be the best thing to do. He's almost 87 and the stairs concern us and he's not quite ready to live alone again. So, we've been working on doing SOMETHING with everything else in there so we can put it on the market.

I'll tell you..... it's HARD, physically and emotionally. And overwhelming. All the changes of address to be done and the bank changes, mail forwarding (which hasn't worked as smoothly as it should) and the repair work to get it ready to list and the cleaning out. Trying to sell some of the furniture. Donate some, keep some and take things to assisted living. I'm there ALL THE TIME cleaning out and, to be honest, it's wearing on me. But we're nearing the end.

The hardest thing though isn't the purging of "stuff". I'm a world class purger. I have emotional attachment to very few "things". I'm not a keeper. I'm the one you want there when it's time to declutter and purge. But doing all this while he's still alive is really, really hard emotionally.

He's been back to their condo just a few times and he hides it well and knows it's the right thing to do, but I think it really gets to him to see it all going away. His (their) entire life being dismantled while he's still alive. It just makes me so sad.

My sister and I are taking him there again this morning (it's been a few months since he's been) for the final resolution of the rest of his belongings- the remaining clothing, personal items, books, etc. The painters are coming Monday, along with more furniture pickup. There's not much left at all and while I've tried to prepare him for that, I think he's going to be shocked....shocked when he sees that ALL of his books and personal items fit on the bay window in the living room. The rest is in the bedroom closet. That's it. Nothing scattered around. Nothing in drawers or other closets. It's ALL in two places. I didn't sleep very well last night. I think he'll be sad.

We've done a great job bringing pictures and things to assisted living but it's one room. There's only so much stuff you can take before it's just too much. My sister and I are taking some furniture, but alot of the furniture was sold or was picked up by charity.

I know gazillions of people have done this before us and will after us. Doing my mom's things was a fairly easy process. She was gone so there wasn't as much angst. This has been so much harder. He told my sister, husband and me to "get it done", giving us the ok to do it, but it's still hard. You can't ask him about every box of paper clips and ruler, it would take too long. So I just made the best decisions I could and saved his personal things till the end so HE could make the decision.

Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?

Deb1010yetagain · ‎12-09-2013

I just want to commend you on all your hard work and sensitivity when dealing with your dad's things. He's going to be sad and that's OK, Let him feel it and he'll get thru it. I'm sure his assisted living place has many photos, books and other things that mean a lot to him. You sound like you're approaching this perfectly and your dad is still a rational man, Best of luck. When push comes to shove it's all "stuff" anyway. People and memories are the most important.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

OP, I do not have any words of wisdon for you, this is a difficult process, and since your dad is still alive (that is good news) it has to be difficult to be going thru his things, like he is not here. I remember going thru my parents things after their death, that was hard enough!

I am sure your dad understands but also he is sad to see a part of his life coming to an end, but it sounds like you have done your best to give him a 'piece of home' at his current residence. He will probably be thinking about all the times he spent in his home with your mom, his wife, of course he will be sad.

Don't be to hard on your self.......you are doing the best you can, and I can tell you have your dad's best interest at heart.

Preds · ‎12-17-2012

My heart aches for you and your family. I imagine that it is harder with him because you know the hurt he is "hiding". He is giving up everything he and your mother worked for their entire lives. He doesn't want to say goodbye to the life he had created and he is having to. You feel it and that's where your pain comes from.

It is the right thing to do, but it is not easy. I wish you all the best with the new future you are making for him. His heart will accept it in time. You're lucky that his head has already. Blessings to you and your dad.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."

JeanLouiseFinch · ‎10-03-2011

I can certainly empathize with you. BTDT

pommom · ‎03-10-2010

Gidgetgh - I want to commend you on your sensitivity, tenacity and compassion. It is one of the hardest things for children of deceased or elderly parents to do. My thoughts will be with you as you accompany your father through this part of his journey.

When we cleaned out my mother's things after my father died, I held up okay. I'm like you. Not attached to things and great at purging. It was when we found her apron in the pantry that I broke down. It still had a few stains on it. She lived in it.

Thanks for sharing your tender thoughts and story with us.

You are not alone.

If your face brightens when you meet a friend, you have struck gold. - unknown

gidgetgh · ‎03-09-2010

@Preds wrote:
My heart aches for you and your family. I imagine that it is harder with him because you know the hurt he is "hiding". He is giving up everything he and your mother worked for their entire lives. He doesn't want to say goodbye to the life he had created and he is having to. You feel it and that's where your pain comes from.
It is the right thing to do, but it is not easy. I wish you all the best with the new future you are making for him. His heart will accept it in time. You're lucky that his head has already. Blessings to you and your dad.

@Preds- yep, you nailed it

Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?

Dominosmom · ‎07-17-2010

I have been through this twice now and know how you feel. Just want to share that when my fil visited our home he was comforted and pleased to see the things we moved to our house. I was overjoyed when he told me that my house made him feel at home.

gidgetgh · ‎03-09-2010

@pommom wrote:
Gidgetgh - I want to commend you on your sensitivity, tenacity and compassion. It is one of the hardest things for children of deceased or elderly parents to do. My thoughts will be with you as you accompany your father through this part of his journey.

When we cleaned out my mother's things after my father died, I held up okay. I'm like you. Not attached to things and great at purging. It was when we found her apron in the pantry that I broke down. It still had a few stains on it. She lived in it.

Thanks for sharing your tender thoughts and story with us.

You are not alone.

@pommom- when we cleaned out my mom's things, it was a plain white envelope. You know, the kind you get at the bank. They put your cash in it. My mom had one and kept her gambling money in it. She loved to go to the casinos in Atlantic City and Biloxi. Anyway, in hospice she'd told me where she kept her gambling money so I'd know. The day after she died, I got the envelope and distributed the money to my sister, dad and me as she'd asked. The envelope had her writing all over it. FIgures she'd written down; additions, subtractions. I WAILED when I saw the envelope (and I'm crying now). I couldn't care less about the $300 that was in it. It was the envelope. My mother grew up very poor and I was always so thrilled that my parents had enough money so that she could enjoy herself at the casinos. I'll tell you.... I still have the envelope. Some day, my sister's kids can throw it away when they clean out my things, but I won't get rid of it. A silly white bank envelope means the world to me.

Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?

sarpy · ‎03-10-2010

We are 77 & 78 so we have been cleaning out our house so the kids don't have to do it when the time comes. We even have our funerals paid for and plots bought and tombstone on it. We are not a flashy couple and don't what our girls to have to do it. Just yesterday we took the last of our Xmas decor that I was tired of to GoodWill. We have a 1200 sq. house that is just right for us and easy to get around in. Good luck to you OP!!