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11-23-2019 05:42 PM
More respect is needed by everyone in that situation. The friend should show respect by not getting too involved in the granddaughter's issues when her parents are handling them. And the friend should demand respect in return by cutting off disrespectful speech and refusing to engage with it. If someone is going to be around you, they must speak to you respectfully. If they can't manage that, walk away for the time being.
11-23-2019 05:50 PM
@Wsmom wrote:My first thought is first mistake was signing the house over to them. If I read that right it was her house and because they wanted her living close by she signed her house over to them and they moved into separate living quarters with a shared kitchen? Assuming now they live in the main house?
As far as his utterly thoughtless comment, my guess would be his meaning was you are not a part of their little family, parents and kids, with the parents being the direct caregivers/disciplinarians, etc., of their own children, and want to be sure that grandma doesn't get involved in that particular situation, whatever it may be, and when she told him it was hurtful, him saying yes, he said that, was to reinforce the fact that she was not to get involved in the grandkids' rearing.
All of us grandmas know we all want to go to the rescue of our granchildren, as our parents did with our kids, but unfortunately just not our place, and I can easily see my DD or my very dear SIL saying, "mom, back off!"
Two sides to every story....and I tend to agree with @Wsmom . It sounded to me he was making it clear that he (and it sounds like his wife, also) did not want anyone outside their nuclear family to be privy to what was going on with their daughter. When he made that brusque comment about not being family, I would have been taken aback....but would have wanted to keep the peace, so would say something like, "I'm sorry, didn't mean to stick my nose in your business. If there's anything I can do, just let me know."
Living so closely, it is imperative to give each family space and privacy. I'm sure the grandmother's intentions were good....but obviously not welcomed. If it were me, I would talk to my daughter....and if daughter agreed they needed more privacy, I would apologize and make a big effort to back off. The daughter may very well be stuck in the middle of trying to pacify an irritated husband and upset mother.
11-23-2019 05:57 PM
@dulwich wrote:@MaryLamb Good thought - all I know is my friend signed her house over to them as they were very insistent that she move into their very large home which she did so that they would be looked after and be close to family.
I know they travel a lot and my friend takes care of their 4 dogs and the home all - to my knowledge - seemed to be going well.
Caution - never sign your house over to your child/spouse, no matter how insistant they are. Period.
Now the situation with the grandchild may be a very sticky one. Did you friend divulge to you what it was? Not that you need to relay that here!
11-23-2019 06:10 PM
I hope her daughter wasn't in the same room because as a daughter myself if my husband spoke to my mom like that it wouldn't be good for him. The rule when we got married is you deal with your family and I deal with mine. I told him if you are upset with a family member of mine speak to me and I will take care of it.
11-23-2019 06:12 PM
11-23-2019 06:42 PM
@bikerbabe wrote:
She signed her house over to them??
@bikerbabe, these thing happen. My sister-in-law signed over her modest house to one of her sons. It's there business, of course, but think it was especially unwise, given her precarious financial situation.
11-23-2019 06:56 PM
@sidsmom ... Agree wholeheartedly. Always remember there are two sides to a story. Before judging you should hear them both.
11-23-2019 07:16 PM
In reading this thread, I've noticed how often it is suggested the Grandmother should discuss the situation with her daughter. Unless it is done openly, maybe even as a Family Meeting, I believe this to be bad advice. The absolute worst thing for this woman to do now is to even seemingly pit her daughter against her son-in-law.
11-23-2019 07:31 PM - edited 11-23-2019 08:10 PM
SIL sounds like a jerk to me. What a lousy thing to say.
How is being his wife's mother and his kid's grandma make her NOT family anyway?
ETA - and I'm assuming here that she's not a butinsky and controlling type of MIL as @dulwich indicates.
11-23-2019 08:45 PM
I think I'd listen to the "voice of experience" if I had a mind.
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