Community Chat

[IMW]

I understand your confusion. I am guilty of this, I was taught this by my mother. It is a poverty mentality. Meaning the " good" stuff won't come around again when I'll Really need it. At one point in my life I really needed this belief system- I had 2 pair of pants to wear. Now, thank G-D I am far away from that (with way too many pair of pants).

I have become a bit of a hoarder - the other extreme. My dh, who is a minamilist keeps me in check, so I don't accumulate. 

It really is fear based and runs deep. 

I have also learned through the years that when I give a gift it is not my concern what the other person does with it. I try to give with an open heart, as I am sure you do. It is the effort that counts not the results. 

[PenneyT]

Perhaps the OP can simply take pleasure in giving and let the 'giftee' use the gift as they like. 

For some people, not using 'the good stuff' is crazy, for others, using the good stuff is crazy. What I mean is: if someone gets pleasure from looking at and having something, isn't it just their way of enjoying it also? It's kind of sweet that they might view your gift as a "treasure", lol! Why try to control how someone else enjoys a gift? 

[Sooner]

I must have more "stuff" than a lot of you who use everything all the time.  I probably use my "better" stuff more often than many of you, even though I am only using it occasionally.  

I would think also maybe what some of us use every day, some would think of as "good."  I don't have dishes I don't like, even though I have better ones I only use for company.  I don't keep stuff that isn't "good."  So I have good and better.  

I don't believe in living with things you don't love.  I don't believe in using the "better" stuff for every day either.  If I used my "good" china every day, then it wouldn't be "special" to me any more.  

Maybe I'll get out my "ball gown" and "tiara" tomorrow to go grocery shopping and to the post office!  LOL!!!!  I'll report back at the reactions then!  (YES, it's a joke) 

[mstyrion 1]

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@Sooner wrote:

I must have more "stuff" than a lot of you who use everything all the time.  I probably use my "better" stuff more often than many of you, even though I am only using it occasionally.  

I would think also maybe what some of us use every day, some would think of as "good."  I don't have dishes I don't like, even though I have better ones I only use for company.  I don't keep stuff that isn't "good."  So I have good and better.  

I don't believe in living with things you don't love.  I don't believe in using the "better" stuff for every day either.  If I used my "good" china every day, then it wouldn't be "special" to me any more.  

Maybe I'll get out my "ball gown" and "tiara" tomorrow to go grocery shopping and to the post office!  LOL!!!!  I'll report back at the reactions then!  (YES, it's a joke) 

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You make a lot of assumptions. A lot of patting your own back here as well.

Suffice it to say, I would suspect most of us have all "nice' things that we use every day.

Of course there are items that are used when guests come too. The point is, they ARE used. Not put away never to be touched.

What you seem to be missing is that was the point of the entire thread. Putting things away and never using them.  

[RedTop]

My grandmother was born in 1903, so saving the good things was standard practice because they had so few "good things".   My grandmother and her siblings grew up so poor that the Great Depression did not change their daily lifestyle all that much, outside of rationing of certain products.   

[just bee]

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@hckynut wrote:

i don't get the point of this thread. 

hnj

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And I absolutely do!  We chat about this often on the ComPact thread.  Many of us have a tendency to "save" special items for some day in the future and even purchase items for a life we're currently not living.  And, of course, these items are squirreled away and left unused.

Why do we do this?  But I'm with OP -- gifts should be usable and used up. 

[pdlinda]

the bracelet has 52 small diamonds and I think it would fit fine by removing 4.  Mom left me stud earrings with large diamonds so i don't need another pair but I have 4 young granddaughters (eldest 13 youngest 18 months....so I think I'll save for them when they're older.  I'm really psyched up to get this done so thanks for this thread!!!

[just bee]

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@september wrote:

I get the point, because my mom is that way.  At her age, there isn't much I can buy her in the way of gifts anymore.  I saw a dish towel at Anthropologie that had a Parisian scene on it, with a pretty crocheted edge.  I bought it for her, thinking I might send it for Mothers Day.  Then I realized she would probably decide it was too nice to actually use, and would stash it somewhere instead.  I sent flowers.  

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This reminds me of something.  When I was in college in the 70s I bought my mother a variety of oven mitts and potholders because she was always getting burned in the kitchen.  They were, according to Mom, too pretty to use so they sat in a drawer somewhere.  After I graduated she bought a new house and ended up using them for decoration instead of their intended use.  She continued to use a raggy kitchen towel as she cooked.

Years later, when I suspect she was in the earliest stages of Alzheimer's, I was visiting her in California and came downstairs one morning to discover her in the kitchen, cooking and using her towel to handle the hot pans on the stove.  She always had a bad habit of flipping the towel over her shoulder while she moved about the kitchen.  That morning the towel was on her shoulder and she was completely unaware that it had caught fire when she had it on the handle, too close to the flame.  She was on fire and didn't know it.  I had to extinguish her.

Did she ever use the mitts and potholders?  Nope.  Nor did she ever take the dishes out of the box that she had so coveted -- the ones I'd given her when I was in high school.  She never used half the things she collected.  When she had to move out here and her property was sold, all the items she saved ended up donated or in the dumpster.

I'm trying to avoid the same behavior.  But her behavior had started early.  I remember gifts she would give me that I was never allowed to use.  A doll made in Italy that I wasn’t allowed to play with, a white leather coat I could never wear.  Peculiar.

[just bee]

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@RedTop wrote:

I grew up surrounded by family members who had cherished items saved back for good.   All of them had a dresser drawer of these special items, which were mainly pajamas, nightgowns, robes, and new underwear waiting for that unexpected hospital stay, the unopened packages of hosiery, scarves, pretty sweaters with fancy buttons, fancy shawls, and the special jewelry.   Not to mention the special linens, dishes, etc.

My mother had a very special dress for spring and summer events, a kick pleat skirt, and sweater set for fall and winter events.  If those items were seen on her bed, with her gold jewelry laid out on the dresser, and her chocolate brown alligator pumps and matching purse visible, it was a sure sign she and Daddy were going somewhere special.   We ate off the melamine plates when it was the 5 of us and one of our friends who was visiting, but if other family members or the preacher was coming to eat with us, I was to set the table with the breakable dishes and the silverware in the wooden box.  

My maternal grandmother had many blood clot issues thru her 60's, and spent weeks at a time in the hospital.   She actually stored all of her "saved for good" gowns, robes and underwear in a small suitcase, which we grabbed right away and took to the hospital.   A hospital stay was the only time these saved items were ever worn, and once she came home, everything was washed, dried, and packed back into the suitcase for next time.   

When my grandmother moved into the personal care home and we sold her property, more than 80% of her saved for good items went to the dump.   Some had drawn moisture and mildewed, some dry rotted or were destroyed by moths, or mice.   Being involved in tossing those special things my grandmother was so proud of, made me determined to use all of my stuff, and have nothing "saved for good".      

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I hear ya.  Time's running out so if we don't use it, we need to give it to someone who will.

[just bee]

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@Susan Louise wrote:

I just don't 'get it'. I know family members that do this and it drives me crazy! Why? Well, it has reached a point that DH and I have to find other ways to give B-Day gifts, holiday gifts, etc...like taking them out for dinner instead. It makes no sense for us to buy stuff only for them to sit in the boxes and never get used.

It's not as if we get things they don't want or need...they are things they wanted and asked for...

An example about a family member we got a gift for a few yrs ago and it still has yet to be worn once.

I will get replies like 'I'm saving it for good'...(in this instance, it was a lovely Irish sweater) which has yet to be taken out of the drawer since it was 1st put away.

We are only on this earth for so long...and the coffin is only so big and she can only wear one set of clothes...

Oh, and yes, I know, folks can do whatever they wish with 'their stuff'...however,  some things just make my head hurt

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Thank you for this topic.  It's clear, based on the different responses, that this really resonates with some people.  I do tend to agree that there is a correlation to those who grew up during the Great Depression.  It seems to be a specific gene that is passed down to future generations.  Some of us inherit it while others do not.  I remember the horror my sister and I felt when my brother collected all the "old" books we had in our apartment and tossed them down the shoot to be incinerated.  They were old, therefore not useful.  No, they were antique, rare and valuable.

Better-half and my brother -- and my deceased father, I'd wager -- are cut from the same cloth.  If it isn't usable, it has no purpose.  They did not inherit the "sentimental" gene and they do not save special items.

I catch myself before I recycle or dispose of something.  Should I save it?  Can it be repurposed?  Will I need it someday?

I'm almost 57 and I tend to hold onto items that are past their prime.  I have this weird sense of insecurity that I first noticed in successful women back in the 90s.  I call it the "baglady complex."  I worked with women who were well-educated and doing well financially, yet they always felt this anxiety, this insecurity, that one day they would lose it all and end up living in a cardboard box in an alley.

I may need this someday...

I remember my mother had an extensive wardrobe when she was younger and she always said she appreciated having it because when things were rough and she couldn't afford to eat or buy anything for herself, she had all these clothes she could wear.  And no one suspected that she was struggling to stay alive.  When she gave me jewelry, she always told me: "Hold onto it.  You might have to sell it one day."

Yes, she came from Italian immigrant parents, lived through the Great Depression and World War II, and she raised five kids by herself waiting tables.  I don't think she ever really felt secure.