Community Chat

[LTT1]

@Shorty2U

Please excuse I haven't read entirely all of the posts.

My heart does break for your DGD just as mine would for ours.  Our DGD is only three, but we probably all have had this heartache in our past. So I am afraid this will happen to her some day.

Yes, she needs to focus on her education for now. To have a great education is the best way to prevent a much more dire consequence later on. Being capable of supporting oneself is paramount. But she probably doesn't need any advice right now. She sounds like she is a smart girl.

I want my DGD to know that "boys willl be boys" for quite a few years until they make the decision that they are READY. 

Your granddaughter is wise to squelch the realtionship sooner rather than later IMO. 

Even though she doesn't need all of this discussion now -- I'm thinking she may have all of this information already -- I believe that all of our girls need to hear this stuff a lot growing up.

As for having too much physical connection early in a relationship -- why, why? I'm not implying that this was the case with your DGD. I am voicing my opinion in terms of the general discussion here.

I am sending you gentle (((hugs))).💞💔💚🖤💛💜❤️💙❣️

[NycVixen]

@esmerelda I can't understand why you would ask that question. I've never heard of 'millenial speak'. 

What I meant is what I said; not dating a potential mate to get to know him but doing so beforehand. Dating doesn't provide a real scenario where you can really get to know someone. But friendship does a better job. 

My comment had nothing to do with sex. You can still date someone and be celibate and still not get to know the person. A date is a manufactured environment where only the best of one another is on display. Friendship offers the opportunity to see how people really are where they live; at school, at work, at home etc. 

[AngusandBuddhasMom]

---

@NycVixen wrote:

@esmerelda I can't understand why you would ask that question. I've never heard of 'millenial speak'. 

What I meant is what I said; not dating a potential mate to get to know him but doing so beforehand. Dating doesn't provide a real scenario where you can really get to know someone. But friendship does a better job. 

My comment had nothing to do with sex. You can still date someone and be celibate and still not get to know the person. A date is a manufactured environment where only the best of one another is on display. Friendship offers the opportunity to see how people really are where they live; at school, at work, at home etc. 

---

I agree @NycVixen  My DD met her fiance when they were in College. They were friends first dated others and found their way to each other because they saw each other without the false lense of dating. Dating is like the fake photos everyone puts on social media. It does not tell the story of what happened prior to the posed pic or what happended afterwards. But day to day interacting and getting to know someone without false expectations does.

[Q4u]

@NycVixen

As a millenial, this is the new normal. It will be difficult to find a mate in this hook up type of environment. My advice would be for your granddaughter to remain friends with the young men she may be interested in for some time before she begins dating them. That is what I did; I met my husband at school. But I became his friend first for a while so I can get to know him. 

This was true during the free love Hippy Days and the young men at the time had no sense of loyalty or commitment and everything was ok, I called them "the Hey Mans" because that's all they said was "hey man"....  I wanted nothing to do with them.

You are right, get to know them as friends first and stick to what you know is right.  I told one boyfriend (after 4 years and I broke it up) that I would rather live my life alone and taking care of myself than to marry the wrong person~!!  Then after a while, along come DH!    

[chrystaltree]

Why are you so vested in this?  That's odd.  Don't call the girl, don't email her.  You can only make her feel worse.  She just needs time to cry it out and vent and she'll do that with her girlfriends or her mom, if they are close.  Then she'll bounce back and start dating again.  She'll me "the one".  That guy wasn't and she's lucky that she found out early in the game.  He wasn't her fiance, he was just boyfriend.  Some women find "the one" early like I did.  Some women date a lot before they find the one that is meant for them.  I get it, the family loved him and could hear wedding bells and see white dresses and pretty cakes in her future and that was everyone's mistake.  He was just boyfriend.  

[seaBreeze]

When it "happens to you" it IS the end of the world.   My mother always said "there are plenty of fish in the sea" but at the time, the betrayal and heartache are insurmountable.

I "get" all of the good advice, but just to brush it off as "he was just a boyfriend" is missing the point.  Love hurts~!

[NycVixen]

---

@seaBreeze wrote:

When it "happens to you" it IS the end of the world.   My mother always said "there are plenty of fish in the sea" but at the time, the betrayal and heartache are insurmountable.

I "get" all of the good advice, but just to brush it off as "he was just a boyfriend" is missing the point.  Love hurts~!

---

This is absolutely correct IMO. This applies at any age. I didn't get the memo that betrayal is supposed to only hurt or matter after a specific amount of time. Being lied to and deceived by anyone even after one day hurts because you put your trust in that person and they didn't appreciate it. It is humiliating especially when your family and friends all know what happened.

This is exacerbated substantially by social media. This young woman can't be expected to merely brush it off particularly at her age.  I didn't know that once a relationship ends all the feelings felt by both parties end as well. They may have liked each other for some time before the relationship. 

[stevieb]

---

@occasionalrain wrote:

They're not married, not even engaged, not living together, not a long tem relationship. 

---

Agreed, they must be either in their late teens or early 20's... when 'dating' rarely really and honestly means an exclusive or lifetime commitment... nor should it... To care is to risk being hurt and that's a lesson best learned early, as unfortunate as that might be... 

[stevieb]

I have to agree with those who would question posters denigrating the young man's overall 'character'...  What he did was hurtful and yet it isn't outside the norm of human behavior, especially at that age and at that stage of a relationship. He might prove to be an exceptional friend and he might also be a fine partner in the future, but he clearly isn't ready for a long-term partner right now. I'd also note that had he done what he probably should have and simply told her he didn't want an exclusive relationship, the hurt would have likely been the same, as would the outcome... I'd also guess that those who think he's a 'cad' would still have thought him a cad... 

[Cakers3]

---

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Shorty2U  IMHO there's nothing wrong with your post. No one here knows your name or anything else.

Ignore the negative comments from those who want to control the board and its content.

---

@YorkieonmyPillow@Shorty2U  Agree.  There are threads on Among Friends and even one on here discussing issues with family members-we see it all the time.

Yet those OPs have not been taken to task.

So again-one does wonder if it's the poster and not the post.

Glad the young woman is out and about.   This too shall pass for her.  She sounds like a lovely person.  All the best to her.