Birthday disappointment: is it me? - Page 16

LizzieInSRQ · ‎12-27-2010

@truffle wrote:
@LizzieInSRQ wrote:
Someone told me once that if I never have expectations, I will never be disappointed. I've kind of taken that to extremes as I've now never been married and I suppose I never will as I am 51 yrs old. I don't allow myself ro get too disapointed because I had no demands that way. I think in terms that I also missed out on divorce.

I turned 50 last year and all I have left in my family are males. Not one acknowledgement of my birthday let alone a milestone. It hurt but I then realized my expectations were my own. I stopped hurting and chalked it up to them being who they are. It didn't stop me from being proud of myself and treating myself well. My brothers aren't good at details.

This is not to say they I don't get what you mean and are feeling. I advise it will be better if you change your expectation in the future because realistically we cannot expect to change others. Also I rather have people do exactly what they want for me rather than only to fulfill an expectation. it's sincere.

Happy Birthday!

I enjoyed reading your post @LizzieInSRQ but disagree with one detail and that is when it comes to marriages, the longer you are in one, you can change your SO or spouse.

I do want to also say that it is not too late for you to meet someone and get married and I do wish for you all the happiness in the world and hope that you meet your Prince Charming.

Hi truffle, I do not want to steer this post in a different direction, but had to say what kind and generous response you made and you seem so kind hearted that your friends and loved ones are indeed blessed ☺. Iwanted you to know that now that I have taken care of myself ( my own home even) I literally have no use for marriage since I am am too old for kids. I will continue to have boyfriends or when I feel like it, play that field like I own it woot woot! No tears here! :::haha::hugs

Calcgirl · ‎03-10-2010

I lost my husband, the love of my life 5 years ago and would give anything to have him back. Be thankful and give him a big hug and kiss , it could be your last .

debic · ‎09-02-2010

We quit celebrating any holiday after our son moved away. We used to go out for a nice dinner on our birthdays and anniversary, but that ended many years ago. I make us a nice dinner and we're good. These days I'm amazed if he even remembers it's my birthday unless I tell him. LOL If we want something and can afford it, we just buy it when we want it.

I'm guessing this all depends on how long you've been married as to how important it is. My best friend's husband spends thousands of dollars on her and loves to do it. And he's been doing it for over 40 years.

~~
*Off The Deep End~A very short trip for some!*

clangle · ‎11-06-2013

My wonderful husband and I have been married for seventeen years and have known each other for nearly twenty years.

He has never forgotten my birthday, Valentine's Day, or our Anniversary. Not. Once. That said, I've learned that if there is something specific I would like, I will let him know. Left to his own devices, he's picked out some great stuff, but also some that made me wonder if we'd ever met before! Clear communication can help eliminate disappointments, and I also don't want him spending money on things I won't use.

And as far as "don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed", frankly, I find that attitude kind of sad. I have always expected and (mostly) gotten thoughtful behavior and considersation in my serious relationships.

I think we should expect a certain level of thoughfulness from a life mate. It doesn't need to involve presents, but as far as remembering a few important days each year, I don't think it's asking too much.

Felixfan · ‎08-11-2010

Wow. I never respond to posts, I tend to post occasionally and mostly check in on TSV opinions. I have to respond.

You are not alone. I think the majority of folks are focusing on the gift aspect, where I think maybe what hurts (rightfully or not) is the lack of forethought. I am always disappointed when my husband tells me he'll "be right back" on my birthday (or valentines day, or anniversary) as he has an errand to run (i.e - buy me flowers and a card). He could have run that errand any of the 365 days PRIOR to the event. Or...not run it at all. My wish, is simply to have him with me on a day that IS special. If it didn't occur to him that he wanted to give me a gift before he felt he had to, then please don't. That too is disappointing.

Other posters said a few of these things:.

1) Be grateful you have a husband/partner.

2) Be grateful that your husband thought of you on your birthday.

3) Count your blessings and be happy on your birthday.

4) Men are not mind readers, no matter how long you have been together.

5) Sometimes they have to be told exactly what, when, where and how.

While I agree with all of the statements...the first three were often "suggested" in such a condescending manner as to imply that you had to be grateful based on what other's have lost. You do you in this case. You don't owe me or any other person something because their life took a different course.

I also have to add a "PLEASE" to the last two. Men are not stupid. They aren't.

Anyway - hope the birthday was happy overall.

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

As one of the other posters said we also do lists. As it happens, his birthday is seven days after Christmas and mine is three days later. We are both sick if sweets and don't want a big meal or a meal out.

I do a family New Years Day meal so we have his birthday then, a day early. He'll ask what I'd like to do for my birthday and my choice is to stay home!

DH doesn't shop. The last time we were in a store together other than to chose an appliance, our 36 year old son was 2!!!

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

@Felixfan wrote:
Wow. I never respond to posts, I tend to post occasionally and mostly check in on TSV opinions. I have to respond.

You are not alone. I think the majority of folks are focusing on the gift aspect, where I think maybe what hurts (rightfully or not) is the lack of forethought. I am always disappointed when my husband tells me he'll "be right back" on my birthday (or valentines day, or anniversary) as he has an errand to run (i.e - buy me flowers and a card). He could have run that errand any of the 365 days PRIOR to the event. Or...not run it at all. My wish, is simply to have him with me on a day that IS special. If it didn't occur to him that he wanted to give me a gift before he felt he had to, then please don't. That too is disappointing.

Other posters said a few of these things:.

1) Be grateful you have a husband/partner.
2) Be grateful that your husband thought of you on your birthday.
3) Count your blessings and be happy on your birthday.
4) Men are not mind readers, no matter how long you have been together.
5) Sometimes they have to be told exactly what, when, where and how.

While I agree with all of the statements...the first three were often "suggested" in such a condescending manner as to imply that you had to be grateful based on what other's have lost. You do you in this case. You don't owe me or any other person something because their life took a different course.

I also have to add a "PLEASE" to the last two. Men are not stupid. They aren't.

Anyway - hope the birthday was happy overall.

I so agree with you on this @Felixfan. I get tired of posts where a person is venting about some disappointment they have had with a significant other and posters say well, you should just be thankful you have a husband/boyfriend because I lost mine or he could be gone in any moment. I think people obviously realize that but it doesn't mean they can't be disappointed, aggravated or hurt by something they do and they should be able to vent without hearing that.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Irshgrl31201 wrote:
@Felixfan wrote:
Wow. I never respond to posts, I tend to post occasionally and mostly check in on TSV opinions. I have to respond.

You are not alone. I think the majority of folks are focusing on the gift aspect, where I think maybe what hurts (rightfully or not) is the lack of forethought. I am always disappointed when my husband tells me he'll "be right back" on my birthday (or valentines day, or anniversary) as he has an errand to run (i.e - buy me flowers and a card). He could have run that errand any of the 365 days PRIOR to the event. Or...not run it at all. My wish, is simply to have him with me on a day that IS special. If it didn't occur to him that he wanted to give me a gift before he felt he had to, then please don't. That too is disappointing.

Other posters said a few of these things:.

1) Be grateful you have a husband/partner.
2) Be grateful that your husband thought of you on your birthday.
3) Count your blessings and be happy on your birthday.
4) Men are not mind readers, no matter how long you have been together.
5) Sometimes they have to be told exactly what, when, where and how.

While I agree with all of the statements...the first three were often "suggested" in such a condescending manner as to imply that you had to be grateful based on what other's have lost. You do you in this case. You don't owe me or any other person something because their life took a different course.

I also have to add a "PLEASE" to the last two. Men are not stupid. They aren't.

Anyway - hope the birthday was happy overall.

I so agree with you on this @Felixfan. I get tired of posts where a person is venting about some disappointment they have had with a significant other and posters say well, you should just be thankful you have a husband/boyfriend because I lost mine or he could be gone in any moment. I think people obviously realize that but it doesn't mean they can't be disappointed, aggravated or hurt by something they do and they should be able to vent without hearing that.

OTOH, when posters who have lost a loved one read an OP like this, you surely must be able to understand that it can elicit tremendous feelings of loss and regret. The truth is... when you have lost someone dear to you, you often regret having nitpicked on them. You wish you could see the newspapers or dirty clothes strewn all over the floor, or food left on the kitchen counter.... or get another dumb birthday gift, just to have that person back. As the lyrics go, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

So perhaps these things were said to make the OP take a moment to consider that there may be more important things in the world than getting a birthday present exactly as she would like it. IMO,if she realized that, that would be a positive change for the OP. If not, then she is certainly entitled to continue her lamenting over her birthday presents.

And I hope no one will say these posters should just not respond to this OP. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and to express them... and....the OP asked for everyone's thoughts.

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

@SaRina wrote:
@Irshgrl31201 wrote:
@Felixfan wrote:
Wow. I never respond to posts, I tend to post occasionally and mostly check in on TSV opinions. I have to respond.

You are not alone. I think the majority of folks are focusing on the gift aspect, where I think maybe what hurts (rightfully or not) is the lack of forethought. I am always disappointed when my husband tells me he'll "be right back" on my birthday (or valentines day, or anniversary) as he has an errand to run (i.e - buy me flowers and a card). He could have run that errand any of the 365 days PRIOR to the event. Or...not run it at all. My wish, is simply to have him with me on a day that IS special. If it didn't occur to him that he wanted to give me a gift before he felt he had to, then please don't. That too is disappointing.

Other posters said a few of these things:.

1) Be grateful you have a husband/partner.
2) Be grateful that your husband thought of you on your birthday.
3) Count your blessings and be happy on your birthday.
4) Men are not mind readers, no matter how long you have been together.
5) Sometimes they have to be told exactly what, when, where and how.

While I agree with all of the statements...the first three were often "suggested" in such a condescending manner as to imply that you had to be grateful based on what other's have lost. You do you in this case. You don't owe me or any other person something because their life took a different course.

I also have to add a "PLEASE" to the last two. Men are not stupid. They aren't.

Anyway - hope the birthday was happy overall.

I so agree with you on this @Felixfan. I get tired of posts where a person is venting about some disappointment they have had with a significant other and posters say well, you should just be thankful you have a husband/boyfriend because I lost mine or he could be gone in any moment. I think people obviously realize that but it doesn't mean they can't be disappointed, aggravated or hurt by something they do and they should be able to vent without hearing that.
OTOH, when posters who have lost a loved one read an OP like this, you surely must be able to understand that it can elicit tremendous feelings of loss and regret. The truth is... when you have lost someone dear to you, you often regret having nitpicked on them. You wish you could see the newspapers or dirty clothes strewn all over the floor, or food left on the kitchen counter.... or get another dumb birthday gift, just to have that person back. As the lyrics go, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

So perhaps these things were said to make the OP take a moment to consider that there may be more important things in the world than getting a birthday present exactly as she would like it. IMO,if she realized that, that would be a positive change for the OP. If not, then she is certainly entitled to continue her lamenting over her birthday presents.

And I hope no one will say these posters should just not respond to this OP. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and to express them... and....the OP asked for everyone's thoughts.

Point taken and I do agree with that too @SaRina. I do think people should consider there are more important things that getting a present exactly how you would like it (or other trivial things). I think I should have been more clear in my post that for this particular problem that the OP was having, I think it was partly her fault. I was speaking more in terms of more serious issues some have posted on here only to be told that. I can understand Felixfan disappointment when her husband rusn out ON her birthday to get her present. I am sure she is happy to have her husband around on her birthday but she has a right to be irritated and disappointed and I would never tell her she should be lucky her husband is alive. We could seriously do with that with every issue a married couple has, but at some point she should be able to a little P/O'd without hearing, well your husband could be dead. Are we supposed to never vent or be upset because our significant others could die? What is the cut off point for being disappointed and wanted to vent?

I do think in this case her husband wasn't in the wrong and maybe she should have been more forthright in what she wanted.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

terrier3 · ‎03-10-2010

@shaina wrote:
Today is my birthday. My husband didn't once ask me what I wanted to do, or what I wanted as a gift, or anything in the weeks leading up to today. This morning he goes out and comes back with a dozen red velvet cupcakes. I've never had red velvet in my life, bc I'm a picky eater and it doesn't seem appealing. I don't really care about cake, in general. Then he got me a gift card for Best Buy so I can buy the apple airpod wireless headphones when they come out. I guess we talked about how cool they are back when they were announced 2 months ago. I haven't said a word about them since, nor do I listen to a lot of music or use headphones often. On the gift card package he wrote " this isn't as lame as it looks." He said he felt bad bc he was hoping they would have released the headphones by now and that a gift card isn't the best present.

For his bday this year I took him to the store and let him pick out a chair/couch for Man cave. Then while he was out of town, I built a bookshelf for his record collection, moved all his records to it, then hung (drilled for the first time ever) display shelves and carefully chose his fave records to display. I also ordered a blanket/throw of his favorite footy all team for that room and had it thrown over the chair. He came home to this while I was at work.

I feel so let down. Like I worked so hard, and he did almost nothing and what he did do was like he hardly knows me. Am I being dramatic? Expecting too much? Thoughts?

Setting up comparisons between your gift to him and his to you isn't fair - and those kinds of comparisons always seem to disappoint someone!

You gave him HIS birthday gifts because you love him and that was the way you chose to express that love...he did the same for you...just differently!

Consider yourself blessed that you have a husband who remembered your birthday and remembered a conversation you had with him a few months ago!

I always tend to overdo presents, holiday feasts, decorating, the works. But that's just me...part of MY personality. I wouldn't expect my SO, my son or my friends to be the same - we are all different people and show our love in different ways.

I would count all the reasons why you appreciate your husband...and look on the positive side of life!