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Super Contributor
Posts: 359
Registered: ‎06-03-2018

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

I don't agree with the advice to throw away 50 years of marriage over this. I understand his feelings and yours. Could you maybe go visit your sister once a month or so? You mentioned the trip is not too bad for you, so maybe it's something you could do on your own. You could make it a regular thing and spend time with her and the family and the friends you have there. The you could enjoy both lifestyles. 

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,932
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

Just visit them now and then.  Remember the "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".  Sometimes things just aren't as great as they are in our minds.  I've heard many people say they wish they'd never moved.  

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,467
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

[ Edited ]

I also don't agree with the advice of just throwing the marriage away and, from the sounds of it, you don't either.

You say he is a good man, good natured, and helps you, in any way he can.  That's pretty impressive.  Also, the fact that daughter was there to help with Dad with his cancer means a lot.  There are few people that realize all  their dreams in this life and sometimes we just have to bloom where we're planted and  form a new and fresh perspective on things. 

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,992
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move


@speedy girl wrote:

I don't agree with the advice to throw away 50 years of marriage over this. I understand his feelings and yours. Could you maybe go visit your sister once a month or so? You mentioned the trip is not too bad for you, so maybe it's something you could do on your own. You could make it a regular thing and spend time with her and the family and the friends you have there. The you could enjoy both lifestyles. 

 

I agree and I find it somewhat  humorous when someone says ditch your 50 year marriage, throw it away and waltz off to LaLa land.  Those women are either single or have never been in a long term relationship or they are unhappy in their own marriages.  There's such a lack of reality in "leave" responses.  We don't know the Op's financial situation so I assume, she cannot afford two residences.  Probably not even a small apartment near her sister so, after 50 years, home is home.  I suspect that the two grown adult children who are probably in their 40's factors in her desire to get away too.  People often find themselves in situation and they just  want to get away, they want do over, a fresh start.  But in a situation like this, it's just not possible.  Some might not understand but,  marriage is more than two people living in a house together.  So, if you disagree on something as major and life changing as this, you pack up your belongs and leave.  The man is in his 70's, he has a history of cancer, he has family and friends and connections where they live.  Op has to accept the reality of her life and "fix" what's really bothering her.  There is no re-do after 50 years.


 

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,709
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

I was thinking about this ,  in a way i can identify with this need , i had it in 1998 ,i so wanted to leave here ,after the death of our son ,husband looked for job in our home town area, i found a house ,in the end he did not want to leave his job, fast forward he died in 2013,  looking back i feel it would had been best if we had moved in 1998.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
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Valued Contributor
Posts: 867
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

[ Edited ]

I think you should reconsider having two homes.  After I retired we bought a second home two hours from our first house.  Like you, I worried about taking care of two places and could never have done it if I was working.  But I have found it doable and rewarding.

 

If you can afford it, I think it would be a good way to meet your desire to relocate and you can come and go as you wish.  "Visiting" your sister is not a good option.  It would burden your sister and you'd never feel part of that community.  Your DH could come with you sometimes and would have the flexibility to go back and forth as he wishes.  

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,380
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

Fifty years of catering to one's spouse, putting his needs and wishes first, while working and driving 10 miles each way to get groceries. Giving him two children, caring for him through illness. That doesn't sound all that worth keeping. Now after 50 years of living where he wants, making the best of putting him first, just once she wants him to put her first and he won't even considerate it.

To me, that's a deal breaker. 

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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,694
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

I completely know how you feel.  I have lived in North Florida for 64 years.  I don't like heat or the beach or sand.  I have no reason to be here.  I am from the south but all my neighbors seem to be from the north.  I want to move so much.  I would love to be in the mountains of North carolina or Tennessee.  The physical part of moving along with the money it would cost prohibits us.  I feel so trapped but am trying to make the best of it.  Once spring comes it will be so hot you cannot go outside.  Add the mosquitos to the heat and it is unbearable.

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,044
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

I'd say you've done your time, and husband needs to learn life isn't all about him and his wants and needs. You deserve your time to live someplace you want to be, and he should get on board with it. 

 

That said, I'm in the  same boat. I don't hate where I live, but I'm pretty sure my husband intends to die here at 107. I, on the other hand, don't. I expect a battle, because most men I know, think the end of life period is all about what they want and need, and where they want to be. 

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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,410
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move


@ECBG wrote:

Can you get a smaller home in your hometown and live in each location 6 months of the year rotating the major holidays?

 

A marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship.


My recommendation exactly