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02-02-2019 07:57 PM
Your husband does not want to leave his home. His home is where he feels safe and secure. It is a comfort zone for him, especially with his family around. He has health issues and that is a major concern about this issue. It is not healthy for an individual to be uprooted with major health concerns.
@Retired Legal Secretary wrote:
I moved from a small city to the country (or East Begeezus as I call it) when I married 50 yrs. ago, I was 18 and it was new and different. Other than a major PITA as far as distance for basic needs as in 10 mi.minimum one way for Dr., hospital, grocercies I managed. I was busy raising kids and then working after they were in school. I worked in next the town, if 1 stop light and a movie theatre open weekends makes a town. I am now retired and this place is not me. There is a house for sale in my hometown one street from my sister. I want to buy it and move there. Husband is a no way. His siblings live here and he has been here 71 yrs. I am not close to my in-laws. No fighting just nothing in common. This town is not home I just live here. Would like to spend whatever time I have left someplace I Iove with my sister and her kids and grandkids. I still have friends from school there too. We have2 great neighbors here and I would miss them and my friends but it would only be a 4hr.round trip to visit and it wouldn't be an issue to do it. What would you do?
In your post you gave an insight to what may be an underlining factor. You did not feel that you belonged. You may have moved to where you are living but it was not home to you. You said this town is not home, I just live here. Unfortunately you long to go home again. No matter how long you have lived where you are you never acclimated yourself to the area, or to your home. Your home is not you, that was a powerful statement. Maybe it was exciting when you were married and moved there but deep down inside maybe you have resented it. It seems you are looking for your safety zone and a belonging that you have missed in later years. If this is so then it may give you an idea of what thoughts your husband has about the matter.
For my part I can honestly tell you that you really can not go home again. I moved, and moved with my husband because of his work and always thought I would be going home again, It never happened. When I finally realized my reality I resented it. I live where I live but have always thought of it as not being my home. I understand what you have said when you said I just live here.
We do what we do and make choices in life. As we get older we reflect more. My longing to go home will never happen and if it did it would certainly not have the affect of belonging as it once did.
Moving would give you a closeness to your sister, she is family but years ago you made the choice of moving away and leaving her behind. You have your life and do have family around you but it is not your family and that may be what is hurting you the most.
I wish you comfort and peace.
02-02-2019 08:02 PM - edited 02-02-2019 08:13 PM
@LonestarBabs, doesn't your suggestion defeat the whole purpose or intent on why the OP would like to move? She wants to be in the same town with her family.....he wants to stay in the town he's lived in forever and where his family is. Moving to a strange town halfway between the two locations would be a place where they know not a soul! I sure wouldn't want to uproot and move someplace I don't know anyone.
02-02-2019 08:14 PM - edited 02-02-2019 08:15 PM
I wonder if say, every three months, you go to your sisters town, for a couple of weeks and, enjoy yourself. If you can't stay with her, rent a motel room. Go to the theater, and out to eat, go shopping, have a really nice vacation, and when it is over ,go home ,until the next time ,in a couple months
If you can get out and about, for a few weeks a few times a year, perhaps your situation will be more bearable.
02-02-2019 08:23 PM
I know how you feel! As I'm growing "older" I'm feeling everyday the need to return back to family.
I relocated for my spouse (retirement dream). Our home is beautiful and of course, he's "living the dream" living in golf community & more!
Our circumstances of course are different we have no family or friends here, but, he's OK with this as he has no family other than our boys.
I can't afford to relocate back to where my ❤️ is so I make the best of it. I have begged, pleaded, cried & more for us to move home but he refuses. (At one point, he told me I could go -- which is fine but he would certainly not live "our" lifestyle because I would divorce him & get a hefty alimony pay. I certainly wouldn't go without this after being married since I was 21 & I gave him too many good years!)
I have already told him I would never stay here if he should die (he's 8 years older) -- I go home weeks at a time & most of the summer. Right now that works somewhat but the desire to stay there never leaves me! I literally cry when I have to come back here☹️☹️
02-02-2019 09:09 PM
Could never trade in my happiness for cash. Nope, nope, not happening.
I've had two men show me the door. One is the absolute love of my life yet I took the door both times.
How much can a man love YOU when you are between a rock and a hard place yet he doesn't budge an inch to accomodate you?
If I leave, I wake up alone yet if I stayed I'm just as alone and you show your children you are a doormat.
02-02-2019 10:18 PM
I have been here in the same house for 50 years. Love this rural area and no way would I ever move. They would have to drag me out. Great neighbors and easy access to cities if I wanted to visit... sometimes. Fortunately hubby agrees with me.
02-03-2019 12:11 AM
What would I do under the circumstances? Well, you mentioned that DH has health issues and his doctors are local. I think that would seal the deal for not moving while he is still alive.
I would take advantage of having two grown children in the house, and make periodic visits to dear sister.
I think you miss the interaction since retiring. I don't know your hobbies and likes, but I am sensing that you need to find something that you really enjoy doing, and would look forward to, once or twice a week.
02-03-2019 01:17 AM
Why are people never thankful for what they have & always want something else? People are so self centered.
I don't even understand this question. People can be thankful for what they have and still be unhappy for what has been lacking all along. How is that self-centered? Both individuals in a marriage aren't allowed to be fulfilled? People don't always want something else, as you stated. People are never thankful?
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