Reply
Highlighted
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,949
Registered: ‎05-11-2013

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

@ILTH  Yes, I posted the question and was interested what others might do.  I was surprised with the ease some would just bail. To me bailing issues are cheating, drug or alcohol abuse. Also verbal, mental and physical abuse of yourself or others.

Highlighted
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,274
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

@Retired Legal Secretary, from your posts, you sound like someone who has a good head on your shoulders.  You also sound like someone who has a loving relationship with your DH.  I think you will work this out in your own time in a way that will serve both your needs and your DH.  Good luck OP.  LM

Highlighted
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,195
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

@Retired Legal Secretary....I have been in the same house all 40 years of my married life...the house was pretty new when I moved in BUT it was also the house that my DH's ex wife picked out.   I would love to move as well, but not out of the area, just a house I could pick out...this house on the outside is not my style but I have put my stamp on it and it does look nice and is very comfy.

 

We have tried to sell but DH would not budge on price so we are still here, I will probably die here...very disappointing for me but I know things could be much worse, it's just something i wanted to do and know that it will never happen.

Highlighted
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,232
Registered: ‎05-18-2015

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

[ Edited ]

@Retired Legal Secretary wrote:

@ILTH  Yes, I posted the question and was interested what others might do.  I was surprised with the ease some would just bail. To me bailing issues are cheating, drug or alcohol abuse. Also verbal, mental and physical abuse of yourself or others.


I didn't give an opinion before, because I didn't want anyone to think I was offering advice.

Since you're just asking what others would do --  if it were me, I would get a small place where I wanted to live.  I'd keep two places for as long as it would take to see if I'd really be happy in one over the other or both. I'd rather live in a cracker box where I wanted to be than in a palace where I didn't want to be. 

 

I understand that you were very young when you married. At your young age, I might have moved somewhere I didn't want to be, thinking that love would make everything right. In my mid-20s and beyond, I knew that I'd be miserable (no matter how much I loved a man) living somewhere that I didn't want to. 

 

If my husband had health issues, I'd be sure to find good doctors where I wanted to move to.  If I had married very young and moved where my husband had wanted,  I'd expect (actually, demand) him to give me my chance to live where I wanted after years of living where he wanted.

 

I'm old enough that I want to spend the rest of my relatively healthy and independent years being where I want to be and doing what I want to do. Life is finite. I paid my dues. 

Highlighted
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,053
Registered: ‎04-23-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move


@Retired Legal Secretary wrote:

Holy cow, first I haven't catered to him for 50 years and his isn't a dictator.  I wouldn't have stayed married for 1 year let  alone 50 to someone who dictated anything. We have always discussed major life choices to be made. Yes, I took care of him when he was sick and when my hip was shot and I needed surgery he helped me and after surgery did everything I needed unasked. He still helps me around the house, makes me coffee in the morning like he did when he retired and I was still working.We talked for 3 hrs last night. He said if we were younger and in better health he would most likely do it.  His fear in going is something happening to him and my sister,  She is diabetic, they are worried about her kidney function and she had congestive heart failure last summer.  He worrries I would be alone there and the kids would be here. Plus my 2 closet friends are here. I haven't been miserably unhappy for 50 years. When we were raising the kids I was busy,they had cousins next door and close by to play with, they did sports etc. but I was younger. The kids visited my parents for a couple weeks in the summer and my parents came up. My Dad loved it here. When I worked it was okay, although hte driving was a pain but again I was younger.  I see his points and he understands my reasoning. I would prefer conveneince at this age. We will continue the discussion.


It would have been very helpful if you had mentioned all of this in your original post.  Wonderful that you are talking with him about your concerns.  

Highlighted
Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,509
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move



I've never thought about where I wanted to live.  I have always lived where I have needed to live.  Some of us don't really have the option.

Highlighted
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,949
Registered: ‎05-11-2013

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

Well for now we plan on going to hometown a stay few days a month to test the water. My sister is retiring in a month and we will visit and take some day trips to local sites.  While it won't solve the problem of traveling time to places around here, I get my fix of living where you can get groceries delivered or even a pizza delivered for that matter. Gee a  block or so to a CVS and a mall that's not 50 miles round trip. We can check out places should we decide to make it more permanent. It's not a ideal solution but small steps are better than none.

Highlighted
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,581
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

[ Edited ]

@occasionalrain

@mom2four0418

 

I guess what I am saying is.....if you can't offer perfection you shouldn't expect it.  Yes, some could take that too far and have to have their way or be in control.  I certainly don't believe you give into controlling behavior or enable it in any way.  So what do we do.....keep a running tab for 50 yrs.  Personally, I couldn't live that way.  I realize some women here have probably lived at one time with controlling narcissistic men and feel strongly about women standing up for themselves. Many that don't...should.  However, when I don't know "what's in the pudding", I feel I need to proceed with no assumptions nor relate someone elses experience to mine.  Every situation is so very different.

 

Highlighted
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,883
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move


@Retired Legal Secretary wrote:

Well for now we plan on going to hometown a stay few days a month to test the water. My sister is retiring in a month and we will visit and take some day trips to local sites.  While it won't solve the problem of traveling time to places around here, I get my fix of living where you can get groceries delivered or even a pizza delivered for that matter. Gee a  block or so to a CVS and a mall that's not 50 miles round trip. We can check out places should we decide to make it more permanent. It's not a ideal solution but small steps are better than none.


      That is a start RLS and I hope that over time, you and your DH get it worked out.    It sounds like he's been a loving and supportive husband.  I understand his concern for health issues and doctors.   But the thing I keep going back to is the fact that you've lived somewhere for 50 years because of his job and family and you haven't been happy with that location.  Happy with your life, yes but the location , no.   50 years!!!!!!  I just think it's time for him to see that and say " you've done this for me for 50 years, let's get packing".   

Highlighted
Super Contributor
Posts: 278
Registered: ‎08-06-2014

Re: Been here 50 years I want to move

I know you are sensitive to what you want/need and you show the same for your DH. However, live your Truth for these last precious years that are YOURS. You deserve them!