Community Chat

[Kachina624]

The FATHER of the inconsiderate son should have a heart to heart talk with his offspring and explain what the expectations are of the child of a mother and member of the family.  Parenting doesn't stop when a child takes a spouse and if the child is not fulfilling his responsibilities, he should be told.  Honoring his parents is part of being a MAN. 

[Anonymous032819]

Look, I'm not saying that a married son has to shun his parents.

But mothers need to understand and accept the fact that some may not call or visit as much as they would like, because their son is now married, with kid/s, that he needs to take care of. 

[decaf]

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@Kachina624 wrote:

The FATHER of the inconsiderate son should have a heart to heart talk with his offspring and explain what the expectations are of the child of a mother and member of the family.  Parenting doesn't stop when a child takes a spouse and if the child is not fulfilling his responsibilities, he should be told.  Honoring his parents is part of being a MAN. 

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@Kachina624   True, but not everyone's family is that perfect. 

For a moment, let me play devil's advocate here.  First, it sounds like the OP does not care for her DIL.  Maybe that's why her son is pulling away.  Her son will always side with his wife, period (unless he's a mama's boy).  Unless her DIL is a really horrible person, maybe they ALL need to work on the relationship.  Did the OP really make an effort to get to know her DIL, make her feel welcome, does she include her in all get togethers and when they're together does she include her in the conversation. Some MIL's don't realize they have some responsibility for fostering a good MIL/DIL relationship. It might go a long way in her relationship with her son.

I hope the OP will work on this, if it's needed, for the strength of relationship with her son, also how it will affect her granddaughter.

[stevieb]

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@colliegirls wrote:

Sadly, this is true for many of us with married sons. For some reason the wife thinks it is all about her and her family.  I see it over and over again with my friends.  It is very hard for the man's family.  I don't understand it.

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It's one thing for someone to actively decide for him or herself not to remain close with family for whatever reason. It's altogether something different for a man, lacking the proper equipment, to fail to stand up and be counted and hence to be whipped into failing to remain close to his family. No respect forthcoming from me in the latter instance, nor, in my opinion, is any deserved...

[stevieb]

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@Anonymous032819 wrote:

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@colliegirls wrote:

Sadly, this is true for many of us with married sons. For some reason the wife thinks it is all about her and her family.  I see it over and over again with my friends.  It is very hard for the man's family.  I don't understand it.

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That's because it is about the husband, wife and kid/s.

That's the new family, and that's where the priorities should be.

A parent's job is to guide, nurture and teach their child to be independent, caring, and to guide them in to adulthood. And then to encourage them to spread their wings, and to let them go to live their own lives, separate from mommy and daddy.

It seems to me that a lot of moms have a difficult time of cutting those apron strings, and allowing their adult children, sons especially, to live their own lives, take care of their own family, separate from them.

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To be sure, there are some moms that have more trouble than others letting go of both sons and daughter, but all other things being equal (and that's an important caveat because there might well be good reasons for some children, of either sex, to seek distance from their families) parents of both partners deserve some semblance of consideration, respect and attention. Of course the primary focus of partners becomes the new nuclear family they've created, but that shouldn't mean the extended family gets left in the dust, and it certainly shouldn't mean only one side of that extended family gets to command more attention than the other.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

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@nana59 wrote:

you need to sit down with your son and have a heart-to-heart talk..........

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 Oh my God in heaven, don't you think I've tried? But I know when I'm hitting my head against a brick wall and it hurts too much to keep trying. For now, "it is what it is" and I just go along with it.

Someday, I suspect, something will happen to make him regret he treated his way. My granddaughter is almost 6 years old and she doesn't miss anything. I wonder what his response will be when she asks him about this situation. And in case anyone is thinking this, I've never criticized him to his daugher and I never will but it's been a struggle, making excuses for him.

All I can do is remember that what goes around comes around. I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I won't be sorry if someday his concience bothers him.

[Anonymous032819]

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@GoneButNotForgotten wrote:

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@nana59 wrote:

you need to sit down with your son and have a heart-to-heart talk..........

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 Oh my God in heaven, don't you think I've tried? But I know when I'm hitting my head against a brick wall and it hurts too much to keep trying. For now, "it is what it is" and I just go along with it.

Someday, I suspect, something will happen to make him regret he treated his way. My granddaughter is almost 6 years old and she doesn't miss anything. I wonder what his response will be when she asks him about this situation. And in case anyone is thinking this, I've never criticized him to his daugher and I never will but it's been a struggle, making excuses for him.

All I can do is remember that what goes around comes around. I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I won't be sorry if someday his concience bothers him.

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Wow!

That speaks volumes. 

[decaf]

@GoneButNotForgotten   It never even entered my mind that you were criticizing him to a 5 yo.  May I ask, do you like your DIL?

[NicksmomESQ]

 @stevieb   I totally agree with you. Everyone is responsible for working on the relationship.Everyone plays a part. From day one I accepted & loved my DIL & she respected & loved me. There is no competition between us. We have different roles in my son's life.My DIL has even told me that her coworkers are surprised that she speaks so well of me because apparently their MIL's give them a hard time."You reap what you sow",period.

  Life is too short.Why not get along!!

[Mom2Dogs]

@SurferWife ...I agree, some days it is hard to hold on the my faith.