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Valued Contributor
Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@Teller111  It makes me happy to think that this book may bring you insight and healing. Peg Streep has another book called "Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt". I haven't read it yet, but its on my list. Best of Luck to you!!

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,432
Registered: ‎05-02-2017

 

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

 

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.  

 

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother.  Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same.  After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

 

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.  

 

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.  

 

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

 

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,486
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@FancyPhillyshopper wrote:

 

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

 

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.  

 

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother.  Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same.  After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

 

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.  

 

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.  

 

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

 

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

 

 


@FancyPhillyshopper, it's not your fault, but your post is like a punch in the stomach to me, so much so that I can't really go through and explain each of your sentiments and how they hit me. Again, I know that you meant no harm.


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Valued Contributor
Posts: 969
Registered: ‎10-16-2020

@suzyQ3 dear suzyq3, I am so sorry to know this about you since I would never have guessed it from reading your posts if that is even a good yardstick to know anyone, but again, so sorry and wish for you healing and bliss in your future. You certainly are an intelligent woman and I have enjoyed reading your posts even the ones that sometimes get under my skin.....respect and best wishes to you.  

Valued Contributor
Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@suzyQ3  I had a similar reaction to this post. I think for some people it is almost impossible to see the very distinct phenomenon of the brutal void left in a woman who was unloved by her mother. There is no explanation about the bad mother that ameliorates the searing pain, the terribly unique pain, of being unloved by her. We are taught that we must forgive all, but that removes the focus, and somehow invalidates, the critical work of understanding one's inner workings that resulted from that unloving mother. I hope you know that your reaction is totally understandable, and I applaud you for expressing it. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,521
Registered: ‎06-14-2010

I was very fortunate to have a loving gentle mother who everyone loved, family and friends.  My guilt stems from being selfish and not being as close to her as I shoucl have.

I was selfish and lonely for a period of time and I pushed her away.  I live with this guilt and wish it could have been different, or wish I could have been different.  I hope she forgives me.   

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,080
Registered: ‎08-28-2010

Some women are not meant to be mothers.  It has nothing to do with social standing, economic standing, marital status. Some women are not nuturers. Just lousy. Period.  Many people were raised by women at time when society dictated you get married and have kids. 

 

Their children reach out an make connections with people who fill the void the mother either can't or won't fill. Teachers, coaches, counselors, grandparents, aunts, uncles fill the void.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 27,358
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: BAD MOTHERS

[ Edited ]

@teganslaw

My story is similar to yours. I was raised by a very loving mother who also was a beloved and cherished friend. I don't have children and believe each of us has special talents and a special calling in their life. Some are called to to be mothers and have children and some are not.
Bringing a child into this world is a serious responsibility for both mother and father..

Animals are reliable, full of love, true in their affections, grateful. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”
Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,370
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

@Xivambala wrote:

I am one of these children that had a mother that was not capable of loving them. It took my whole adult life and then some to come to terms with this. I don't want to read any books. Sometimes one has to accept what is. Why do women have children if they don't want to care and raise them. I'm not trying to be mean or nasty or start arguments, I just have never understood.


@Xivambala 

 

It seems especially true that up until the 1970's the "mind thought" was to grow up, get married, and have children.  Personalities weren't often studied unless you were in a course in preparation for a career.  

 

(After the 1070's more women started to work outside the home.)

 

One would think, that most teenage girls probably baby (child) sat which would expose them to dealing with children, but still, society pushed young women to "start a family".

 

Another reason a woman wouldn't be a nurturing parent is forces in her life which prevent her from functioning in a nurturing way.  She may be dealing with family issues, including drugs and alcohol.  She may have fallen victim to drugs or alcohol because of her personal issues.  Dysfunctionalism is found in many households.

Family dysfunction is when anything happens so that ALL members of the family are not nurtured fully.

Many people have an inner child or teen that they carry inside.

 

To understand why your mother wasn't nurturing, you would have to know quite a lot about her life before you, and what happened to mold her personality.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@ECBG Here is where some of us have a problem with your post:

 

"To understand why your mother wasn't nurturing, you would have to know quite a lot about her life before you, and what happened to mold her personality."

 

As others have mentioned here, when those of us read posts suggesting that we need to explore our mother's past to explain her behavior, we feel we are somehow asked to "understand" her, and perhaps forgive her. My own mother had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm with two loving parents and siblings. Yet she was a cruel, cold and abusive woman who took real pleasure in hurting me, for decades. I find no comfort in reviewing her past, and it almost seems that we are expected to "get over it" when we are asked to give her behavior a pass due to possible problems in her past. There is a very distinct and unique void, a "hole in the heart" that comes from not being loved by your mother. Yes, other people can help you in your life, but NOTHING fills the void of a heartless mother.