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Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,732
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@agb80 wrote:

@suzyQ3 dear suzyq3, I am so sorry to know this about you since I would never have guessed it from reading your posts if that is even a good yardstick to know anyone, but again, so sorry and wish for you healing and bliss in your future. You certainly are an intelligent woman and I have enjoyed reading your posts even the ones that sometimes get under my skin.....respect and best wishes to you.  


Yes, @agb80, considering that we do occasionally get under each other's skin Smiley Happy, I very much appreciate your message.


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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Posts: 1,163
Registered: ‎12-01-2012

@Miimosa wrote:

Some mothers have narcissistic traits. this is another good read:

 

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

 

by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.


I recommend Dr. Ramani Durvasula's channel on You Tube and her series on narcissistic family roles.  She has stated that she went to the best school in California, and learned virtually nothing about narcissism. 

 

Instead of me reading a book, she read my family of origin like a book.  She goes by just Dr. Ramani on You Tube.  

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Posts: 21,732
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Porcelain wrote:

In the past, women really had no choice about this. If you were female you had to get married and have kids. There really wasn't much else to do. The exceptions were truly exceptions and those women were considered a bit odd and unfulfilled as "true women." Schoolmarms and old maids and maiden aunts left on the shelf. And of course the fallen women who inevitably got pregnant via all their "sin" and were not allowed to keep their children once they were born in disgrace.

 

Whether you even liked children had nothing to do with it back then. Now we have more choice. That' doesn't mean there aren't abusive mothers anymore. There clearly are. But I tend to think things used to be even worse when domestic abuse by either parent was not considered serious and was regularly swept under the rug.

 

Those are the bad old days and we need to keep moving away from them to a day when all children can be safe in their families and loved.


@Porcelain This is very true and a factor, I'm sure, for some of us in this situation.

 

I recall my mother often denigrating  married women who chose not to procreate. She proclaimed that that's part of the marriage package: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage," as the old song goes.

 

The irony of her espousing this did not escape me even at a young age.


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Valued Contributor
Posts: 806
Registered: ‎07-26-2019

Re: BAD MOTHERS

[ Edited ]

@ECBG wrote:

@Xivambala wrote:

I am one of these children that had a mother that was not capable of loving them. It took my whole adult life and then some to come to terms with this. I don't want to read any books. Sometimes one has to accept what is. Why do women have children if they don't want to care and raise them. I'm not trying to be mean or nasty or start arguments, I just have never understood.


@Xivambala 

 

It seems especially true that up until the 1970's the "mind thought" was to grow up, get married, and have children.  Personalities weren't often studied unless you were in a course in preparation for a career.  

 

(After the 1070's more women started to work outside the home.)

 

One would think, that most teenage girls probably baby (child) sat which would expose them to dealing with children, but still, society pushed young women to "start a family".

 

Another reason a woman wouldn't be a nurturing parent is forces in her life which prevent her from functioning in a nurturing way.  She may be dealing with family issues, including drugs and alcohol.  She may have fallen victim to drugs or alcohol because of her personal issues.  Dysfunctionalism is found in many households.

Family dysfunction is when anything happens so that ALL members of the family are not nurtured fully.

Many people have an inner child or teen that they carry inside.

 

To understand why your mother wasn't nurturing, you would have to know quite a lot about her life before you, and what happened to mold her personality.


@ECGB ===> My mother grew up in the 40'-50's. I know a great deal of what formed her personality because she has told me over and over. I am also aware of the varying roles of women in different eras. Without discussing too much personal information, my mother deeply resented having to be what she thought society wanted from a woman. She is very controlling. I paid the price for her decisions. Like I said earlier, if a woman does not want a child and the responsibility that comes raising one ...

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Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@chickenbutt  Your words strike right to the heart. I am so sorry you are part of this "sorority". I am always amazed at women like you who emerge from this open nightmare with such strength and insight.

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Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@GrailSeeker I am so sorry for your suffering. Isn't it interesting that, for women like us, the retirement years often yield plenty of time for unfinished emotional business to rear its ugly head? I had managed for years to keep busy enough to out run my emotional state, but now it is right here in my lap. Maybe we don't leave this world until we face the things that trouble us? It's not easy.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 791
Registered: ‎08-24-2011

@Porcelain Your insight into this issue is beautiful. 

 

"Not giving love is just as bad as not giving food. Neither crime needs understanding of the perpetrator as step one."

 

 Perfectly stated. Thank you.

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Posts: 1,609
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

@suzyQ3 wrote:

@FancyPhillyshopper wrote:

 

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

 

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.  

 

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother.  Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same.  After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

 

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.  

 

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.  

 

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

 

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

 

 


@FancyPhillyshopper, it's not your fault, but your post is like a punch in the stomach to me, so much so that I can't really go through and explain each of your sentiments and how they hit me. Again, I know that you meant no harm.


I wish you peace of heart, @suzyQ3 . Your posts on this thread are painiful to read.  I can't imagine how painful it must have been to write them.

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Posts: 1,609
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

@spiderw wrote:

I was very fortunate to have a loving gentle mother who everyone loved, family and friends.  My guilt stems from being selfish and not being as close to her as I shoucl have.

I was selfish and lonely for a period of time and I pushed her away.  I live with this guilt and wish it could have been different, or wish I could have been different.  I hope she forgives me.   

 

 


Since you say your mother was loving and gentle, @spiderw , I think you can trust that she does forgive you, and that she would want you to forgive yourself too, and lay down that burden of guilt. May you find peace. 

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Posts: 3,578
Registered: ‎04-23-2010

@suzyQ3 wrote:

@FancyPhillyshopper wrote:

 

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

 

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.  

 

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother.  Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same.  After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

 

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.  

 

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.  

 

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

 

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

 

 


@FancyPhillyshopper, it's not your fault, but your post is like a punch in the stomach to me, so much so that I can't really go through and explain each of your sentiments and how they hit me. Again, I know that you meant no harm.

 


For those of us who suffered childhood trauma, no explanation is needed. 💗

“The soul is healed by being with children.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky