Community Chat

[lovesrecess]

Is your sister well enough to live in her home with a health care aide? She will not improve in assisted living if she hates it. If her kids put her in there against her will she should get an elder care attorney and get herself out. There are many retirement-type places she can live and maintain some level of independence. It should be her call, not her kid's.  I went through this with my mom and FiL.....assisted living was terrible. I would help her move out of there and the attorney can expedite it.

[Shawnie]

@sidsmomThat sounds like Independent Living to me.

[shoekitty]

Most assisted living are really meant for older people who want to socialize, and be with people.  66 is pretty young!  They have to be able to take of themselves if they want straight charge, because any help or assistance costs!!   It is a mixed bag, and yes everything is extra.  We looked into it , and reserved room when mom was 94.  Mom has  Altzheimers, but mobile.  She would not go, was so difficult so I decided to keep her home, and have caretaker in.  We pay nearly 9,000@ mo for caretakers now, and they are not 24 hours. She is still mobile. Her memory is in the moment only. She still goes to bathroom and dresses with help.  In assisted living you have to hire caretakers on top of the monthly charge.  It is extra to give meds, you have to go down to dining yourself, you need to do own laundry, or pay to have it done.  If clients at the home become too difficult, or progress in memory loss they have to leave, or go to memory unit, if it is needed.  Medicare does not pay for any of of assisted living. You can deduct some costs from taxes, but I would think a person with medical needs might need a convalescent home, or a caretaker.  I feel sorry for your sister.  It is hard.  Perhaps another home.?  Homes are so individual, it is not a one home fits all situation.  I wish it was.  

After seeing my mom, and visiting so many homes.  I pray that I will be taken before I have to put my kids through what we have gone through with my mom.  I would never want my kids to have to deal with me like that.  But sadly, we cannot choose our end....but we can be prepared for the worst.

[Twins Mom]

It is my understanding that there are levels within independent living and assisted living. Not all facilities have all levels. If they don’t have the level that an individual needs, the facility needs to move the individual to assisted living, etc. For example, if person can’t evacuate self in case of fire, he might have to move. Lots depends on numbers of employees, etc. Hiring extra help while in independent makes much sense in many cases.
So sorry to hear of this situation. I understand it’s not easy to be caregiver making these decisions and don’t want to second guess, however, such severe unhappiness needs to be addressed by family,

[LilacTree]

---

@cherry wrote:

---

@LilacTree wrote:

---

@cherry wrote:

I didn't see it here. I was just wondering  why  a young nurse was so eager to  send my husband to a nursing home. He could dress himself, feed himself, get in and out of bed by himself..

---

@cherry

. . . cherry, why did you let him go?  Am I not understanding something?

---

*I didn't. The nurse kept trying to send him there, to recover. My husband refused to go

---

@cherry

Oh, okay.  I am relieved to hear that.

[violann]

---

@tansy wrote:

---

@violann wrote:

---

@tansy wrote:

The daughters would need more than a POA to ‘force’ her into an AL facility.  They would need to have a guardianship — difficult and expensive to get.  The legal system bends over backwards to protect someone’s autonomy.  It sounds like she needs legal help to deal with the daughters.  

---

Not true in our situation. We DO have POA but not guardianship per se, and  

@Jordan2, my mother THRIVED in a nursing facility and her quality of life was FAR better there than in her own home, OR in mine. 

---

I’m going to assume your mother was willing to go along with your wishes, @violann.  

---

End of life care is usually “making the BEST choice from a selection of SAD choices”. My wonderful mom suffered from anxiety related issues from the time I was born, and ultimately became severely agoraphobic. She survived a severe stroke at 85, and continued to live with by herself with limited supervision, in her own home, until she broke her hip.

After a period of rehab, in which she did well, she came to my house to live in an “ideal” setting with a full time aide. She was unhappy there with me, but her own home was a tiny cottage that could not be adapted for her use. She ultimately became a fall risk and we placed her in the center where she had gone to rehab from her broken hip.

She was cute, feisty, and funny and the staff doted on her. 

Family visited her at lunch and dinner every day. She began to take an interest in her surroundings and spent most of her days tooling around in her wheelchair. She was there 5 1/2 years, dying at 95.

My “wishes” @tansy would have been for her to die in her own bed at home. Since that was not within my control, or hers, I did the very best on her behalf that I could.

[chiclet]

Medical care is not like it might have been at one time.  I managed a medical office for over 20 years (gone for almost 20 years) and times have changed.  When my sister goes into the hospital she does not see any of her regular doctors.  The hospital staff evaluates her and decides what meds she should have.  Then she goes to a rehab and they decide something else about her meds and then if she goes home her regular doctors might decide they want to change it back.  When she was admitted they said at her age 62 the MS meds would not work anymore and was waste of money.  Then the doctor at rehab center said she needs them.  The Assisted living center is a long way from her regular doctors so I doubt she will get to see them again.  Her daughter is a nurse so hopefully she is monitoring what she needs.  I asked my niece why her neurologist does not come to see her in the hospital and she said they just prefer to let their hospital doctors take care of it.  When I had an overnight surgery a few years ago, a doctor came in and asked how I was doing.  I said fine and he left.  After I left hospital I got a bill.  I finally realized that the hospital instead of calling my regular family practice doctor to see me, sent in their staff doctor.  He did not get closer to me than 6 feet and I had a bill to pay and I was not having any problems and was out in 24 hours.  When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I thought we would never get to the point of treatment.  They say early detection is critcal but you could go from stage 1-4 before they get to the treatment part.  I have one doctor (gynecologist) that actually treats me like a real person and looks at me and sees me.  She is a wonderful young woman but those are hard to find.  Most shake my hand and introduce themselves and don't look at me again until they say good bye.  Definitely not like on TV.

[violann]

@chiclet- many of your concerns seem to be related to changes in laws or “common practice” or the era of medical specialization. I wonder if anyone has done any long term studies regarding the advantages of streamlining and simplifying medical care as opposed to making care impersonal and complex. 

Living as I do near a major mega-city, I tend to accept this trend. Is it like this in communities that are farther away from big city “medical centers”?

[CANDLEQUEEN]

@chiclet. Are you close to your nieces? Can you talk to them?Let them know how your sister feels and maybe you on your own start looking around for alternatives for her, so that when you talk with them, you will already have some alternatives for them. Volunteer to go with them when they check out the places, and encourage them to include their Mom when looking. After all, she will be the one to live there. What has happened to her dogs? This to me sounds like, the quickest ,easiest solution without any thought to what Mom would want. 

Also since she was not of sound mind when she signed, I would check into that too, seems to me there is a loophole legally with that. A free consult with an attorney that specializes in Family Matters should be able to let you know that.....Good Luck to you, but whatever you do, don't feel like its hopeless-speak up now with your nieces, it can't hurt and you may very well be able to help your sister......   

[Jordan2]

My aunt resided in an assisted living facility, it was a very nice place. She had her little apartment with a kitchen, she made breakfast, had dinner in the dining hall, and saved some for her lunch the next day. It was very costly, she passed, but I always wondered what would happen to her if she outlived her money. In this facility, they also had a floor for people with Alzheimer's and dementia, sometimes they would wander onto my aunt's floor.