Community Chat

[sidsmom]

Assisted Living is basically like an apartment within a complex

where there’s a group area in the middle for dining, activities, etc.

My Mom was in Assisted Living.  There was a kitchen,

if she chose to have meals alone, a patio,

bedroom/bathroom/living room, washer/dryer, garage for her car.

For those w/out a car (like your sister) they had a van which went

to Walmart for groceries once a week, if Mom chose to go.

Lots of actitives like cards, book clubs, etc.

The complex would come in to change linens & general cleaning.

She could come & go, as she wished.  The only ‘care’ was cleaning

and meals.

There were no ‘smell’ of older people in diapers because

everyone was still very capable of taking care of themselves.

The ‘smell’, ‘sick’, ‘trapped animal’ might be reactions for 

not wanting to be there.  Maybe a little homesick.  Sounds like

she just hasn’t allowed the full experience to meeting new people.

Her family wants the best for her, so meeting them 1/2 way by

excepting the fact residing in Assisted Living is the new normal

if it’s a permanent solution.  You might have a tough-love talk

with her about this...and how you react will only hurt/help.

[Shanus]

My mom at 90 lives in a gated community that offers independent living apartments, assisted living and then a total health care facility. 

At this point, she can remain in independent living because she has long term care insurance and has aides that come in the morning to help her dress, do minor housekeeping (the community provides weekly maid service) & another aide comes at 5-9 to help her shower and get ready for bed. The morning aide stays long enough to take her to appts. & any do any food shopping with her or while she’s home. She had a few falls during the times the aides were not there (nothing broken), so these hours may be increased. 

Having private help is expensive. Without her insurance, we’d have to go to a plan B.

[Financialgrl]

---

@CalminHeart wrote:

I took care of my uncle for many years.  He went downhill so much that we put him in assisted living too.  Over those first few months, her got a little better but he was bored to tears there.  No one wanted to have conversations or talk about anything other than their pain and illnesses.  We moved him to independent living and he blossomed.  He still had some support and meals but was around people who wanted to talk and have fun.  He thrived there and stayed until he passed.

Do you think your sister needs independent living instead of assisted living?  Does the place where she is offer different levels that she could move to independent?   It might be worth checking.  

---

Exactly what I was wondering - independent care vs assisted living. My BF was dx with Alzheimers about 5 years ago.  He lived with his daughter for 2 years once diagnosed until he became too hard to handle.  Too hard to handle meant that he'd fly into rages and want to fight everyone.  

He didn't do that and thrived at independent living for about a year - he had good days and bad but not bad enough to transition to assisted living/memory care.  He still had the ability to meet friends at both independent and later assisted living.  It was not until he had to transition to memory care when his quality of life considerably changed.  They have activities and things to occupy them but it's lost on BF and many others there.

[NicksmomESQ]

   My 75 year old neighbor is in the middle of an argument with her children over this issue.They are trying to force her into assisted living & she doesn’t want to go.She walks with a walker & they don’t want her living alone anymore.

  My neighbor is very upset.She loves her life just the way it is.She just gave up her car to please her kids.She doesn’t want to go to assisted living.

   Her groceries are delivered.Her friends take her to movies, lunch etc.I visit with her constantly.I check her mail, fix her computer issues,run errands etc.She also has a cleaning lady,an aide several hours a day & she has a life alert.

   Yet her kids want her in assisted living.I don’t think it’s fair for them to pressure her.She asked me what to do. I told her that she has to do what makes her happy, period.Her kids are good people.But they shouldn’t be forcing her to go.

  If your sister hates it she should leave.I know people who have left.It’s not for everybody.If you force someone to stay they can lose their will to live.My neighbor has been crying herself to sleep begging her deceased husband to take her to heaven before she’s put in assisted living.

  Good luck to you & your sister!!

[cherry]

If people are soiled ,and not changed promptly, I would question the level of care they are given

My mother lived independently ,until her Alzheimer's advanced to the point she needed care

I never smelled bad smells in her facility..granted I wasn't there all the time, but when I was, it didn't smell any different to me, than any other establishment, and I am sensitive to orders

[151949]

Since her mind is good and she is mobile she should be able to take care of getting herself outta there. She should start looking around for a more suitable place that would make her happier.

[tansy]

Your kids may browbeat or nag at you but cannot forcibly move you under the circumstances described.  It sounds like she would be better suited to an independent living complex instead.

[Abrowneyegirl]

So sorry to read this, it is very sad.

It sounds like she may be in the wrong level of care as many have noted in PP.

A HUGE question that has not be asked is, if she is in an assisted living now and may not need that level of care what is the plan for when her disease progresses and she DOES need more care and her money has run out??

[violann]

@Abrowneyegirl- At the facility with which I am familiar, a client who has exhausted personal funds becomes Medicaid eligible and care continues as initially paid for. 

I have no experience with any other care facilities, so I don’t know where this philosophy comes fro, or if it is a universal practice.

The facility in question is a “private for profit” facility.

[Peaches McPhee]

I am always intrigued by the phrase "her children put in in there".  Why didn't your sister have a say, or make her feelings known?  She had to sign the papers, not her children.   Not trying to be mean about it, but this family dynamic puzzles me.  

She can move at any time.