Community Chat

[ROMARY]

I'd let the DIL and her mom 'run the entire show'. Usually, (more or less), the bride's family pays for the wedding, anyway. I wouldn't volunteer to do/give anything right now. Unless asked, which I would have to spend a bit of time to think about. If you do contribute, I would make it their GIFT, and completely stay out of the planning. That will avoid a lot of stress and aggravation for you and everyone else. Let them 'do their thing'. (Just thought I'd 'throw that in'.)

[Firefly3]

My Dad had a saying that he always said.....Its all water under the bridge now! You just go on and keep up the best you can! This too will pass and better days will be coming! Count on it!

[ROMARY]

You wouldn't be the only MIL (or Mother) who just smiled and kept the peace. Think of all of the things that daughters/DIL's do and say regarding their marriages, children, etc. that moms/MIL's don't approve of. Best advice would be to just smile, be nice, forget the past, move on. It can only get better and not worse from this point on. I, personally, would want to be a cheerful mom to my son and DIL so that I would be able to eventually be in my grand-children's lives. I'm thinking long-term here. In the long run, you'll be better off, and so will your son and his/their children.

[MsLomo]

Wise advice!

[ive been framed]

If I was in your shoes, I would be hurt for the same reasons you stated jacnit! But all is not lost. You had a great relationship in the past, you will have it again. Because you have something your children don't have, and won't for a while. You have life experiences, you have weathered more storms than they have, you raised beings that are more important to you than your own life itself.

Until a child (don't care if they are 12 or 40) have children, something bigger than themselves that needs nourishment and comfort and needs to consider first, they will put their own so called 'happiness' before all else. I'm not saying your kids are rude and thoughtless as a rule at all, they sound pretty mature actually. They just tend to be more careless in how they handle some situations, in their personal lives and socially. Just the nature of things. IMHO.

So, be the great mom you are. Stepping back a bit is good right now, I think. Your son knows you care deeply about him and his wife. One day, they'll 'get it' and reflect how they handled things (and realize just how important your steadfast love, patience, and loathing of unnecessary drama is).

[Mominohio]

On 5/16/2014 kittymomNC said:

I didn't have any problem at all getting the point of this whole story, and I don't know why anyone would even comment if they only read the first sentence.

I definitely don't think you're over-reacting. It was bad enough that they got married and then told you about it. But for you and DIL to start all the planning for the celebration party, and then get told "Oh never mind", on Facebook of all things, not even a phone call, is reprehensible in my personal opinion. Your daughter-in-law apparently has no manners at all, and was apparently taught well by her parents since they are taking over everything.

As for your son, I really think he owes you a huge apology for how the whole thing was handled. He must really love this girl, and right now I can't imagine why, for him to allow this hurt to happen to his own mother. Going forward, maybe for now the best thing would be to just "grin and bear it" for the time being, manage to get through the party with a smile on your face, and after everything settles down, have a real heart to heart talk with your son and tell him exactly how hurt you were. Maybe he really doesn't understand, and has been bulldozed by his wife and her family.

I hope you can work it out so you can all get along -- I know it won't be easy. Good luck to you.

This is good advice,and I have learned something through the years watching the adult child/parent relationship (or any other for that matter). You can only have as deep/close a relationship with someone as they will allow. Trying to force it, trying to beg for it, and being hurt over it for years on end when it doesn't happen they way you want only wastes your life.

They are adults and able to do as they please, but they appear to be quite immature by not considering other's feelings. I'm thinking that maybe your new DIL has a demanding and controlling mother, and perhaps she is somewhat afraid to buck her. At some point, your son may have enough and tell you he/they were wrong in the way they handled these situations. Until then, I'd be very careful how invested you get in any of their plans. I'd not offer up money or help or opinions for showers, home purchases, or any of the other things that parents often help young couples out with. They seem to think they can make their own decisions, so let them find their own way to make them happen.

You can still be nice and get along, but I'd be careful not to let yourself cater to them, just to be included and feel like they care.

[jacnit]

I guess what is so confusing is we (husband & I) are wanting to move on..I personally think hashing it all out, fighting about it, etc would be a huge waste of time because they are kind of in their own bubble/world right now which I'm not saying is unacceptable since they are newlyweds. I agree w/the last post though that at 30 and 31 they certainly are old enough and responsible enough to agree to disagree or better yet and what I would prefer is give us the ok to have the delivery on both accounts hurt a bit...I'm not saying they have to agree w/us on either count but please just compromise and agree to disagree..they even today are dug in and want an apology from us...honestly, I told my son last night and meant it sincerely, I really don't know what to apologize for I mean, do I say I'm sorry that it hurt my feelings?..I just don't know about that. My suggestion to him last night was I'll meet w/her at one of the spots we used to lunch at or coffee at and let's at least agree that we will have things we won't always agree on but we can still be good friends again. I feel that by going to their home last Saturday w/a flower arrangement and asking her if we could be talk and be friends again I was reaching out...he told me last night "she wasn't ready yet Mom"...I don't know guys, I'm totally confused. My daughter and I talked today and she told me pretty much what the above poster said and that is they got married, they're having a party w/friends flying in from all over the place and made the comment to my daughter that they're figuring that all the "older" people will probably stay for an hour at most and then the rest of them can stay thru the night and party lol now, my daughter is one year older than her brother and has a 6 and 9 year old who both play softball and baseball so she told him they couldn't stay and drink,etc..because both of the kids had games the next day...her point being that they don't have kids yet and are totally into careers, cars, home, living the downtown life and just don't get it...she told me "mom, give it a year or two and I bet they will understand"..I agree completely but am hoping it doesn't take a year or two to agree to disagree and meet halfway and by that I mean, I agree to accept how you say I made you feel and you agree to accept how I feel you made me feel...and let's go have a glass of wine and laugh about stuff like we used to"...is that so wrong??

[MsLomo]

You went to her with a flower arrangement and offered a hug, and she rejected that. Your son says she wasn't ready yet. So, it's OK that she's not ready yet, but you have to apologize now? For, uh ... what exactly? What if you're not ready? What if you don't know what the heck they're talking about?

I would not take the bait and get involved in this drama. They're married. If they want to have a party, great. You don't have to be there. I'd leave this alone, and they can call you when they figure it out. As my dear aunt used to say, "Don't hold your hand on your hip." It may take awhile.

[jacnit]

MsLomo..thank you...I feel like I'm a bit losing my mind I don't even know what I'm apologizing for. Not to beat this up but my daughter also told me today that she discussed Mother's Day with him and told him it was a very weird Mother's Day this year. As I said my daughter has two kids and a mil, so I try to be mindful of that and work around it a bit..anyway, she called me on Monday before Mother's Day and told me they were taking her mil (i'm friends with thank God lol) out to breakfast so they wanted to take me out to lunch..so she left it up to me where to go and my favorite place just happens to be two blocks from the little downtown burb where my son and dil live..she asked me if I had heard from him and I said not about Mother's Day as they are still upset with us..so she said ya know, let's just go and if you hear from him great but if not, let's not play games. Wednesday, he calls and I asked him about Mother's Day and he said well, you're not going to like this but dil and her brother planned a cookout for their mom at their (son and dil) new hourse at 12:30 and he didn't know anything about it. I reacted pretty good and said, well, we don't eat until 2:30 so maybe you guys since it's two blocks from your house can pop in and say hello and have a coke, wine, beer..whatever..he said he'd have to talk to her. Well, he did out of the blue show up at 2:30 and ate with us..I asked if dil was not stopping by and he said "mom..leave it alone"..he told me a few days ago she refused to come because she was still mad at that point too. This is just another element that makes me feel like we just can't please them..we either have to agree to disagree or drop out for awhile.

[muttmom]

On 5/20/2014 jacnit said:

MsLomo..thank you...I feel like I'm a bit losing my mind I don't even know what I'm apologizing for. Not to beat this up but my daughter also told me today that she discussed Mother's Day with him and told him it was a very weird Mother's Day this year. As I said my daughter has two kids and a mil, so I try to be mindful of that and work around it a bit..anyway, she called me on Monday before Mother's Day and told me they were taking her mil (i'm friends with thank God lol) out to breakfast so they wanted to take me out to lunch..so she left it up to me where to go and my favorite place just happens to be two blocks from the little downtown burb where my son and dil live..she asked me if I had heard from him and I said not about Mother's Day as they are still upset with us..so she said ya know, let's just go and if you hear from him great but if not, let's not play games. Wednesday, he calls and I asked him about Mother's Day and he said well, you're not going to like this but dil and her brother planned a cookout for their mom at their (son and dil) new hourse at 12:30 and he didn't know anything about it. I reacted pretty good and said, well, we don't eat until 2:30 so maybe you guys since it's two blocks from your house can pop in and say hello and have a coke, wine, beer..whatever..he said he'd have to talk to her. Well, he did out of the blue show up at 2:30 and ate with us..I asked if dil was not stopping by and he said "mom..leave it alone"..he told me a few days ago she refused to come because she was still mad at that point too. This is just another element that makes me feel like we just can't please them..we either have to agree to disagree or drop out for awhile.

..we either have to agree to disagree or drop out for awhile...

Great advice.