Community Chat

[Bird mama]

NM

[jacnit]

Lagan, I have experienced everyone of the issues you mention, in addition to that a torturous 8yr battle w/my mom and Alzheimer..now my dad is in the throws of it as we speak..I totally get this situation does not compare to "real" problems..but I have hurt feelings that I'm trying to deal with and I was curious of opinions and advice..I also appreciate your thoughts as well. I am not mad at them, never have been "mad" but yes, I was hurt not by the marriage but by the delivery of it and the delivery then of being kicked out of the celebration planning..that's all..just good old fashioned hurt feelings. As an olive branch and to reach out, I called last Saturday and asked if we could stop by their house for a few minutes to drop something off..I had bought her a mason jar arrangement filled with wild flowers and wanted to give it to her..my son is not upset w/me any longer but she is...he told me no as they were fighting..not a good time but then called me back about an hour later and said if we were still out and about and close by, he had taken a run and felt better so stop by. We did..I walked into the house and walked over to her in the kitchen and held out the arrangement and said "I would love to move forward and have my good friend back if that's possible"..she took it from me, I held my arms out like the usual hug we give, she ignored it, sat the arrangement down and walked away..my son, husband and I sat in the living room talking and even laughing about some stuff like we usually do and she came out a few minutes later and told my son she was leaving for hot yoga and said good bye and left. Very awkward needless to say but we stayed another hour, sat out in the backyard looked at their new plants he planted, talked about herbs,etc and when we went to leave we told him we love him and her and we both hugged and kissed him and he did that same and said the same back to us. He texted me that night apologizing for her attitude and I asked him why is SHE mad at US?? I don't get it..he responded back that she is mad because she thinks we have ruined "her time"..I simply don't get it that's all. She and I were close, we did a lot of girls lunches and shopping and were even talking about a Chicago all girls trip this summer..don't get it I was curious about opinions here and thoughts, maybe some advice and that is what I have gotten. At this point, my intuition tells me to dust myself off, put on a smile, even if it's forced at the moment, and carry on..lay low for a bit, go to the party and enjoy it the best I can and hopefully we can laugh about this sometime..I'm guessing that might come when they have kids and experience all the ups and downs that holds.

[goodstuff]

I don't blame you for being disappointed and hurt........but it sounds like your son is under the thrall of his wife and her family. What his wife and her folks decide goes. There probably isn't a lot you can do about it as long as your son is agreeable to this. He is an adult and free to make his own decisions (or to let his wife and her family make them!), so I'd just stay out of the way and let him live his life and live with his choices. Step back; be pleasant when you see them, but don't expect a lot for now. You've already told him how you feel; leave it there. He may tire of being a doormat eventually and realize his own family is worth appreciating.

[Lagan]

Sorry, jacnit, that WAS rude of me. Srsly, Sweetie, I think you are dealing with a typical member of that generation, me, me, me. Striving for the upper hand, putting you in your place, don't you know. You sound like a lovely, caring person. Me, I would be making a little wax doll and poking pins in it, lol 8-)

[ROMARY]

I'm thinking........only thinking.......it's possible that maybe they were being 'torn' regarding the wedding plans..........maybe her (the bride-to-be) mom had all kinds of ideas that she (the BTB) wasn't fond of...........just maybe the couple was beginning to become tired of the entire input from HER side, and then decided that it was easier to just have a very private marriage. Could be that the BTB just ended the struggle regarding her wedding plans with her mom. That does happen, from what I've heard. p.s. .... No struggles here, but I believe Kelly Ripa and Marc decided one day to go to Las Vegas and elope. Just the two of them. There weren't any prior wedding arrangement problems......... they just decided to avoid all of the stressful planning/etc. Their respective parents just had to get over it, and move on. Kelly often speaks very fondly of her MIL, BTW.

[kittymomNC]

jacnit, I've read all the comments since I posted my first one. I have only one thing more to say: anyone who says you are being selfish, you're making it all about you, and you shouldn't be hurt, is TOTALLY WRONG, in my personal opinion. I think you have every right to be hurt by the way things have transpired--after all, this is your son, the baby you brought into this world and raised. It's only human to feel the way you do. That said, I still think it's best for you to do what you said you plan to do now, put on a smile, make the best of the situation until things get settled down, and then maybe you can have that talk with your son. When emotions are running high, you can't get anywhere and run the risk of making it worse. I've been there and tried to do that, with a different situation, and it doesn't work.

So maybe you can just grin and bear it if you have to for now, smile, be pleasant and polite to your DIL and her family (no matter how they respond). Maybe she will see the "error of her ways" in how she's acting. In any event, they won't be able to blame anything else on you. And hopefully, you will eventually be able to have that talk with your son and find out what really happened. I wish you all the best.

[Yuban3]

On 5/17/2014 jacnit said:

Lagan, I have experienced everyone of the issues you mention, in addition to that a torturous 8yr battle w/my mom and Alzheimer..now my dad is in the throws of it as we speak..I totally get this situation does not compare to "real" problems..but I have hurt feelings that I'm trying to deal with and I was curious of opinions and advice..I also appreciate your thoughts as well. I am not mad at them, never have been "mad" but yes, I was hurt not by the marriage but by the delivery of it and the delivery then of being kicked out of the celebration planning..that's all..just good old fashioned hurt feelings. As an olive branch and to reach out, I called last Saturday and asked if we could stop by their house for a few minutes to drop something off..I had bought her a mason jar arrangement filled with wild flowers and wanted to give it to her..my son is not upset w/me any longer but she is...he told me no as they were fighting..not a good time but then called me back about an hour later and said if we were still out and about and close by, he had taken a run and felt better so stop by. We did..I walked into the house and walked over to her in the kitchen and held out the arrangement and said "I would love to move forward and have my good friend back if that's possible"..she took it from me, I held my arms out like the usual hug we give, she ignored it, sat the arrangement down and walked away..my son, husband and I sat in the living room talking and even laughing about some stuff like we usually do and she came out a few minutes later and told my son she was leaving for hot yoga and said good bye and left. Very awkward needless to say but we stayed another hour, sat out in the backyard looked at their new plants he planted, talked about herbs,etc and when we went to leave we told him we love him and her and we both hugged and kissed him and he did that same and said the same back to us. He texted me that night apologizing for her attitude and I asked him why is SHE mad at US?? I don't get it..he responded back that she is mad because she thinks we have ruined "her time"..I simply don't get it that's all. She and I were close, we did a lot of girls lunches and shopping and were even talking about a Chicago all girls trip this summer..don't get it I was curious about opinions here and thoughts, maybe some advice and that is what I have gotten. At this point, my intuition tells me to dust myself off, put on a smile, even if it's forced at the moment, and carry on..lay low for a bit, go to the party and enjoy it the best I can and hopefully we can laugh about this sometime..I'm guessing that might come when they have kids and experience all the ups and downs that holds.

As Dear Abby would say, "Apologize, even if in your heart you feel differently"

You could say to her, "I'm sorry for having ruined your special time. It wasn't my intention, and I hope that you can forgive me, and that we can move on from this."

That way, you will know that you have done all that you could, and it puts the ball squarely back in to her court.

You'd be surprised at how far an apology can go.

Because, just like you want your hurt feeling to be validated, so does she.

[RedTop]

I agree to an extent with Sawn. Since you love the girl and looked forward to them getting married, I would just be happy they did get married, and move on. I think you are holding on too hard to the expectations you had of their big day and the hoopla associated with a bigger wedding, based on the conversations you had with the girl some time ago. You feel let down because their plans changed, and cannot let go of that excitement you had built up. Personally, I think it is awesome the two grandmothers were their witnesses, and that sounds like something I would have chosen to do, if I had been allowed to follow my choices. However, my wedding was railroaded by my mother, her best friend, and my mother-in-law, and in the end I just said "do whatever, and I'll just show up", which is what I did. With the way things have turned out thus far, I think it is clear your son and daughter-in-law have made the statement to their families that they are going to make their own decisions. If I were in your shoes, I would offer to chip in financially to the party, let it be whatever it's going to be, show up, have a good time with your son and new daughter-in-law, go home, and let them live happily ever after.

I have two daughters in their 30's, and have told both of them very clearly that I want them to have the wedding they want. If they should choose to elope, or get married in a wedding chapel in Pigeon Forge, I am good with that choice. I do not feel I HAVE to be there. I have always urged my daughters to live their lives, and refuse to do to them what was done to me.

Life is too short, and you have already let this eat at you for a month. That is wasted time you cannot get back. I urge you to be happy for them, and move forward.

[birddrops]

There is a bit of a change between your original post and your post #18. They didn't actually buy a house together and the weddings you were discussing were those of others, not your dil's. Makes a bit of a difference I think.

Maybe she's mad because you are not going to cover the bar bill for her special time.

[Allegheny]

Your feelings are normal, most of us would have the same feelings as you did. Your son and DIL should have known the shock this was going to create and be understanding, not defensive.

You have moved past this and then the rug gets jerked out from under you again when it came to helping the celebration prep. OK, you understand the dynamics of her family and have graciously moved on again.

Now DIL is feeling that you "ruined her special time". I don't think so. She is projecting her guilt and anger with herself upon you. She knows how this was handled was going to be awkward and uncomfortable and probably feels guilty, but not wanting to just admit it she is projecting her unhappiness with herself upon you.

I'd just lay low and continue to express love towards them. She'll come around eventually.