Community Chat

[Marienkaefer2]

On 5/16/2014 Anniecamp said:

By the way, if your son tries to accuse you of being mad again, just repeat what you'd said before. You were just in shock, disappointed that you didn't get to see it, and that you wish them well. It sounds like your son knows that the way they went about it wasn't so good, so a little "projection" onto you, is what he's trying.

I think she has every right to be mad and hurt! And, I think she should let him know it!

It sounds to me like this son has been allowed to do his own thing since a child, and has no regard for others' feelings, much less for his parents.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 5/16/2014 Anniecamp said:

Jacnit, Kittymom gave some good advice.

Your situation reminds me of what happened with my niece, years ago. I adored that girl since the day she was born, and only a couple of months after her mother died, she took off to Las Vegas with a guy she barely knew, and got married. She didn't tell us until afterwards.

I was absolutely crushed. I missed out on seeing her get married. It didn't matter that it wasn't a big wedding, I just wanted to be there. I don't think she ever knew how hurt I was. Thankfully, years later, they are still married, but I've never really trusted myself to be too close to her after that, even though there are no hard feelings.

If I were you, I'd give this situation time. Repeat: TIME, before you talk with them or any other relatives about it. Just smile, pull back a little, and attend any event that they have.

Remember that old saying that a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life. It sounds like her family is flopping around in trying to figure out their part, as the bride's family, what and how to do it. You, the parents of the groom, traditionally, have little to do with the preparations.

It may be hard to deal with a yo-yo, but hang in there. You don't want to harm the nice relationship you'd had before.

Continue on with your kindness, and your smile. They'll be "sane" someday (hopefully), and it will pay off.

I think the hard part for me, would have been that there were a couple of relatives there, and I wasn't. Years from now, it may dawn on them, that they could have done it better, but don't spoil the happy memories of their wedding day. Turn into a duck, and let it all roll off your back, then go into a private spot, and cry.

That's nonsense.

Your parents don't just raise you until your 18, and then say, okay, off you go!

I mean, what is the meaning of family? At 31, this son should definitely know better. He's not a teenager.

[jacnit]

it's funny because I just told my husband tonight and my daughter, who is not too happy about how they handled things either, that my intuitive feeling is telling me to lay low for awhile...stop trying to fix things,etc..and just step back and let it be for the time being. Actually, here's the other puzzling aspect to this...my son and daughter both were raised with rules and manners, great kids, never any issues really, both went to college,etc..and although we were not extremely strict, they knew there were definitely rules and consequences if those rules were not followed..in fact, during the first conversation days after we were told, my son told me they were both so nervous and that's why they just blurted it out before we even got to a table..they were afraid it would go over like a bomb with us and were prepared for me in particular to be upset with them...I don't think they were surprised as much as maybe knowing it maybe didn't feel right but doing it anyway..just my theory but laying low sounds good right about now..thanks again ladies..much appreciated advise.

[jacnit]

at 31, he definitely knows betters and that's exactly what I told him..especially the comment they made that everyone else is supportive of them and that everyone else has told them that the only important thing is that they are happy and we just needed to get over it (other peoples words I guess). I told him well, while it's important for you two to be happy & you're certainly old enough to handle things how you feel you need to handle them but I think you know better as my son that it actually is important when another member of your/our family is hurt..that does matter and I think you were raised by that. He got really quiet after that one and said his "intention" was never to hurt me. It was one of those hour long conversations where no one was getting anywhere.

[Snowpuppy]

I'm getting "I'm not able to plan their party, party, celebration, party, planning the party and oh yeah, party".

Fwiw, they are grown, college educated adults who live together, own property together and had everything done but the ceremony. I'm not making light of your hurt but they have the right to do as they wish.

A young girl I worked with some years ago also decided to "just elope and get it over with". There was no pleasing either mother in their situation. The pressure to have the "perfect wedding and over the top reception" drove them to elope.

[Hoovermom]

Personally I would not foot any bar bill for them. They obviously have it all planned out, so I would let them. The bar bill could be more than the $3,000 the mom gave them. I am so sorry you are hurt and I would be too. Sit back and watch what happens now. It sounds like things are not very organized and who knows what could happen in a week. Good luck!!!

[ROMARY]

I'm thinking.......If you want your son to have a happy life, I would try to forget what has transpired. I'm thinking long-term here. I would just 'go with the flow'...........

[jacnit]

Snowpuppy, I can understand your train of thought but any talk of a wedding was very light hearted talk as far as our end..there has never been pressure from her parents that I'm aware of and none from us. Actually, my son bought the househimself which didn't matter to us then nor matter at this point but again, since she didn't want to buy it with him I didn't see a marriage coming soon but thought probably some day. I totally agree that they can do whatever they want and made that comment, well, actually what I have told him is if you guys wanted to get married in your underwear out on 465 (our biggest interstate here) I get it that it's your life and you are adults...for me, it was more the delivery of the news that they got married while standing in line at a sandwich shop surrounded by 50 total strangers, one of which was her mom who we met at that moment and a fb msg ( of all the options), telling us that her parents were taking over the party planning in full. We (she and I) never discussed "their" wedding.. it was more of her telling me for instance the wedding dress that so and so wore, as they have been in several weddings in the last two years, and then her making a comment about the kind of wedding dress she would choose if she ever got married..of course I'm assuming that would be a wedding w/my son and it was exciting to think about. As a matter of fact, they had told us, our daughter and son in law and her parents that getting married was just a piece of paper to them and they might never get married, even if they had kids, her mom even made the remark at the table at lunch "well, so much for a piece of paper not being important"..for these reasons, I was completely shocked and really speechless when they told us. Was I sad I didn't get to see my only son get married? yes but it's true that he's a big boy now..just thought the delivery on all accounts could have been handled with more thoughtfulness and it hurt my feelings quite a bit. Hoovermom...I think you're exactly right...the date has changed twice so far and other than that I have no clue about the rest of it. It crossed my mind not to go but I wouldn't feel good about that and it's not going to serve any purpose but we won't be paying for any of it either...that seemed to be the agreement as I took it, $3,000.00 and her parents control the party...I have no clue, since we just met her mom and have never met her dad, for all I know maybe they are control freaks..I have no clue. My plan is to lay low and just go with the flow and stay out of it at this point i.e. opinions,etc..just put on a smile and have some wine at the party and hope for the best...well, actually, maybe more than a "some" wine.

[ROMARY]

p.s. to #17 : I would attend all events that you are invited to, try to keep smiling, and just keep in mind that you want to be a part of your son's and DIL's life, enjoying their future children (your grandchildren), etc., etc. Nothing good will come out of being in some type of 'feud', no matter whose fault it was, etc. etc. Just try to 'get along'..........I'm guessing your daughter and husband are advising you to do the same. Lots of good luck to you and all concerned.

[jacnit]

ROMARY, they are and in fact, the four of us are going together. My husband is his stepdad and we all had a great relationship prior to this one dip..we are a tight little family and have never had a problem like this which also caught me totally off guard. To be honest, once we hugged and parted at the restaurant as soon as I shut my car door the tears started coming..I'm not saying I was hysterical lol but I definitely shed a tear or two..my husband said it was the weirdest experience he'd ever had..then we decided weird was a little harsh, awkward was more descriptive of it..he just felt so bad for me that I hurt from it. My daughter got a text from him sharing the news and that didn't sit well with her and then of course knowing that I had cried made her upset etc,etc. You're right, nothing good would come out of not going and it would only cause more division...my hope is to rise above and hopefully at some point we can joke about it someday which is normally who we are as a family..thanks for your kind words My daughter gave us two small grandchildren that we call our "beans" and actually the last time we talked my son said, Mom just think of it this way..eventually you'll have another bean or two to spoil...there is hope