Are you an enabling parent?

Pianomama · ‎03-10-2010

Two adult sons living in our home. There have been a number of issues lately, and I've been reading a book about "enabling parents". I don't think-I KNOW I am one. They are going to have to leave and be on their own, but it's hard to tell them. Tough love it is called for a reason. One of them has serious health issues. Anyone here an enabling parent or have been one? Help!

jeanlake · ‎03-10-2010

Good luck to you Piano... throwing positive energy your way. This is a new adventure for your family and healing for you and husband. Start making fun plans with your life partner now. I'm sure so much energy and money has been extended to your grown children and it's your turn now. There's a freedom that comes with your tough decision. Great book you are reading.

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau

4Kicks · ‎03-17-2010

Thanks, Mama, and Happy 2014 to You and Yours!!!!

In Sunny AZ

violann · ‎03-10-2010

Just downloaded the book for my iPad. We are slowly emerging from this and all of your comments sure are helpful!

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

Not necessarily referring to the O/P, but in general: I've occasionally heard of the 40 (or so) year old son who still lives at home, sometimes or often unemployed, etc. It happens. Sometimes the mom wants it that way, for whatever reasons. Whatever works for certain folks. (As long as the parent(s) can afford it.)

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

BellaPaprika · ‎03-09-2010

I'm curious as to why they have to leave, especially the one with "serious health problems"? Life is short and what is it about in the end but helping each other make it through to the best of their abilities. Maybe that one son is not someone who should be pushed out on his own.

In Europe adult children live with their families much longer than they do here. In Italy it's quite common for the sons and their spouses to share a multi-level family home the way many immigrant families did here long ago and some still today.

Personally I would not let a well written and persuasive book "talk" me into putting my children out. For their own sakes and depending on their ages you should probably sit down with them to discuss their plans for the future. If they have none it would be a good time to help them start formulating some but telling them they have to leave seems cold to me. But then I'm not originally an American. Perhaps that is the way here.

free-spirit · ‎03-09-2010

Yes .... that is why I joined Families Anonymous. You may want to look at their website.

Also may want to read Melody Beattie books on codependents. There is also a Codependents Anonymous.

If you have been enabling all their lives it is HARD to turn it around. The 12 step programs have been very helpful for us.

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

That reminds me, that, yes.........sometimes in higher cost-of-living areas, there are multi families living in one home. Very often the grandparents take care of their children's babies. Or, sometimes all are working, grand parents included.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

violann · ‎03-10-2010

I think that ""enabling"" is very different from living in multigenerational households in which all members contribute and provide mutual support. Knowing the difference is part of the rehab process when that's what's needed.

BellaPaprika · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/2/2014 violann said: I think that "enabling" is very different from living in multigenerational households in which all members contribute and provide mutual support. Knowing the difference is part of the rehab process when that's what's needed.

"Enabling" is one of those 12 step words that comes to us via the world of drug/alcohol addiction which gives it its' present day negative meaning in our society. Enabling can also mean helping someone in a positive way. I'm coming at this from my own experience and admittedly the OP was vague in regard to her sons' ages, whether or not they are gainfully employed,etc..

I have several friends whose adult children have graduated college and now are unable to find work. Could they go out and get a job flipping burgers? Maybe, maybe not. Those are hard to come by now also. But they are working on getting into their chosen fields and have the luxury I suppose you would say of having parents who can house and feed them. Occasionally their parents have had to help them with large expenses such as an unexpected auto repair bill but generally the young adults pay their other expenses. To a casual observer they are not "contributing" to the household, at least not financially, but in other ways they are.

In one case, the mother is going through some issues with her DH and has told me that having her daughter at home gives her so much emotional comfort and support. I don't think she ever wants her to leave! In the other, the son is able to physically help his father who has serious disability issues. Without his son at home I fear he might have to be placed in a care facility.

The OP has not divulged what has made her reach the tipping point. Is it just that she's sick of them hanging about or are they a real disruption? Is this something she feels she needs to do because a book told her so or is she at her wits end with sons who are lazy? We don't know. I only gave my perspective on how some other cultures view adult children who still live at home, whether employed outside the home or not. It's not always a negative.