Approximately How Much Time Do You Spend on Your H... - Page 6

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

Our home is lived in along with our 7 felines and 1 canine. I do what needs to be done when I feel like doing it, litter boxes are the exception. Those 4 are cleaned and vacuumed around at least 3 times every day.

Since our sewage flood in November, our once finished basement is now unfinished, and just going down there turns my stomach because of what we lost.

No clean enough to pass my late mothers inspection, but I am fine with it and couldn't care less was visitors think. My oldest sister? Her house always looks like nobody lives there, my mother would be happy with her.

I personally would find a new shrink.

hckynut(john)

RainyDayGal · ‎03-09-2010

@hckynut wrote:

Our home is lived in along with our 7 felines and 1 canine. I do what needs to be done when I feel like doing it, litter boxes are the exception. Those 4 are cleaned and vacuumed around at least 3 times every day.

No clean enough to pass my late mothers inspection, but I am fine with it and couldn't care less was visitors think. My oldest sister? Her house always looks like nobody lives there, my mother would be happy with her.

hckynut(john)

I totally relate to this. We have 3 dogs (lost 1 last summer), and 1 cat. And I also have the older sister who's house doesn't look lived in. It's way too sterile for my liking. But, she doesn't have kids or pets. I just can't be bothered to keep my house up to that standard, it's not my top priority in life.

Stormygirl · ‎08-01-2015

I feel for you and admire you. Had a similar situation with an elderly Mother-In-Law. After a few years of her increasing ill health, she was demanding and often critical I became majorly burned out with all the symptoms you mentioned. The key is having any change in behavior, feeling depressed, even sometimes guilt feelings at having some resentment for having no life, no help and feeling imprisoned and trapped. My MIL was clear of mind but didn't seem to express care that I was having depression and no life whatsoever but something had to change and it was up to me to be assertive and to change the situation. I have always been a clean queen so if I suddenly did the opposite would be a symptom of a problem. Key is to change the situation and not medicate the situation or the feelings that go with caregiver burnout. Feelings are to be felt and your feelings are normal and is a warning light that something has to change. You are as important as the one you care for and deserve to nurture and care for your needs as well in order to be the caregiver. Is always one child who seems to do the major share while the others have some continued normalcy due to distance etc etc... Of course I got the initial "Don't want strangers in my house", cant afford it etc etc but it was either that and a few days off a week or the eventual alternative which she would have not liked at all and would be more expensive.. She accepted (I gave them no choice) and I had to involve her other children and a CNA, cleaning person to take some of the burden off. You will feel much better at having help and a respite to re-claim some of your life. When you do those things and feel better as a result, then the medication is not needed. I think medicating feelings is not proper use of medication if change in situation is what is needed. I admire you and all the other care givers out there. Now I am disabled in a wheelchair, still have a clean house but have to have a cleaning person come in once a month to do the things I am no longer able to do.

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

Stormygirl123, sounds like you have been through very similar things to what I am going through. I admire the fact that you stood up to your MIL..especially since she was demanding. I'm glad that you have help now. Once a month for the cleaning lady will probably be adequate for me too once I begin to feel better. I'm 66 years old, and it's hard to get down on my hands & knees. I could do the lighter cleaning, but the heavy duty work is beyond what I want to do or can do.

Thanks for your advice, and please take care of yourself.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

John, wow...I admire the fact that you vacuum around the litter boxes 3 times a day! Of course, you have 7 felines, but still...I'm lucky to get that done once a day for my kitty.

I know what you mean by your older sister's house. I have a sister whose house looks like it is not lived in either. Of course, she has a cleaning "crew" come in and clean once a week.

Hope you and your wife are doing well. Haven't been on here much lately, so I haven't been able to keep up with your situation. Take care.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@MaggieMack wrote:
First, let me agree with those who think you are probably dealing with caregiver burnout. Been there, done that, would have lost my sanity if I didn't move my dad into assisted living.

Second, let me disagree with those who assert that it is not healthy mentally or physically to live in a messy house. A messy house won't depress you or make you ill. Now, a hoarding situation is an entirely different matter, and a different discussion.

I think part of your depression is due to your mom putting you in a danged-if-you-do and danged-if-you-don't environment. There is no way for you to win, you are trapped in a box with no escape. That would depress anyone. I would hope that you can make some changes in your life before choosing to go on meds. Dig deep and be assertive with your mom over one small thing. E.g.: "Mom, whether you like it or not, a cleaning woman will be here on Thursday morning. You can choose to stay home and let her work around her or you can choose to go to the _________ with me. It's your choice what you want to do, but the cleaning service IS coming." You will be surprised at how much of your "depression" can be mitigated by just taking a small part of your life back.

I agree a thousand percent. Please understand that no matter what you do for your mom, you can't change what is happening to her. You can't make her happy, and you can't change the outcome. You can in essence die with her by losing your life, but I don't think you have to.

You deserve happiness and a life too. And the post above was simply spot on. Talk to area aging agencies, and other care agencies for elderly people. Talk to your siblings and threaten to walk away from being the care giver if you have to unless you get some help, because you need to save your own life here--a life with some time for you to be happy.

At this point, YOU are the one who needs care and assistance as much as your mom. I don't know how you are doing what you do. God bless you richly and please get some help for YOU!!!!

Puzzle Piece · ‎06-29-2010

@Yardlie In college I heard the same about folks not cleanig their houses until company was coming, etc. Years ago. I clean and like my home clean for my husband and cats. Makes sense as we don't want to get any sickness or attract bugs, etc.

Maybe you just need a break from what you are doing for your mom. I just wouldn't take meds before I tried other options.

Never Forget the Native American Indian Holocaust

Still Raining · ‎03-30-2014

You seem to be in a difficult situation and doing your best. It does sound like you are immobilized by depression. My take would be that it is being caused by being a caregiver and until you solve the aspects which are becoming too much to deal with you will not go back to normal. There does come a time when moving an aged parent to a care setting is appropriate.