Community Chat

[Yardlie]

I've been my 91 y. o. mother's caregiver for 5 years. Lately, I have just fizzled out. I knew I was depressed. It reached the point that I don't do much every day. I cook my mother's breakfast, and basically just sit around the rest of the time. It's a major effort to do any cleaning, run errands, etc. I only load the dishwasher or vacuum when things get really bad or when someone is coming over. I knew I was depressed. My siblings don't live anywhere near here, so I get no help.

So, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get on an antidepressant. She told me that nobody does housework until things get really bad or someone is coming over. Neither she nor her friends clean the house until they are desperate! I told her that I used to always keep the house neat as a pin, run errands, answer mail in a timely matter...and that my friends do also. She said that that is not normal, and that they are over-achievers. She did not think I needed an antidepressant. I told her that I am depressed. She told me just to take walks. I already do this.

So am I bonkers, or is the psychiatrist?

[Shaunac]

I have to disagree with the psychiatrist.  I clean the house weekly.  I do not wait until things get bad or someone is coming over.  It is impossible to make such a blanket statement.  We're all different.  Having said that, if you know you have changed, then its time to seek help.  Get a second opinion. 

I agree with you.  The psychiatrist is bonkers. 

[deepwaterdotter]

By the doctor's standard's, I certainly am not an over-achiever.  I keep things tidy and put away, but also host a family of 'dust bunnies' now and then. 

[SeaMaiden]

She  Is probably right about the fact that it is perfectly normal to have some mess in our lives......but I might suggest you seek out some other Doctors and see what they might suggest. Best wishes....life can be hard.

[itsmagic]

I clean my house every week and don't wait for it to get really bad or for people to come over.   When I worked I would spend half a day Saturday cleaning it but now that I'm retired I spread it out and do a little every day.  I don't agree with the psychiatrist. 

[LonestarBabs]

You are experiencing caregiver's burnout. You are not alone. It's a common occurence. I have been my 90 yr old mom's caregiver for about a year now, and housework eludes me. I finally suggested to mom that we pay for a cleaning service to take the stress off. She doesn't want anyone in the home, so I told her she'd have to be content with what I can do when I can do it. We're still talking about that...  LOL

I have no help from relatives, either. I think that adds to the frustration. I had a wise man once tell me that depression is really anger turned inward (barring true chemical imbalances of mental illness). Find the source of the anger and you're a step closer to helping yourself over the humps.

There is a great site called Caregiving.com and the folks there can provide support, a safe place to vent, and great information to help you get through the difficult times AND understand how you feel without making any judgement.

I think the psychiatrist is trying to keep you off meds, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

[MickD]

@Yardlie - you are the best judge of how you feel.  If you have been experiencing symptoms of depression for more than two weeks, then you are depressed. Go to another psychiatrist for a proper evaluation.....one that will truly listen to you.  What can it  hurt?

I spend at least one to two hours a day just on tyding up....not including laundry and the real cleaning which I do every two weeks.....I am a stay at home mom....so that's my day job.

[rhinovodka]

I would make an appointment to see someone else. You know how you feel, you may just need to talk to someone or try to have some other acitivities in your life but sometimes those things don't work and you need a little more help.

As far as the household question, I work around 60 hours a week, however I make an effort to do little things everyday, even if it takes just 15 minutes or so. I hate clutter and most of the time, laundry gets done on the weekend. Sometimes, I may not do actual cleaning (ie mopping floors), for every two weeks but I do make an effort to make sure laundry, dishes, things are wiped down, etc. I grew up in a household where chores were a weekly thing. My house is fairly neat, it is just not as clean as it should be.

[jaxs mom]

Go to a different psychiatrist. Preferably a man. 

[151949]

I think the doctor is bonkers and is probably a bit of a pig. She most likely has someone who cleans for her so she is clueless what it takes. 

To answer your question - I have a housekeeper who come every 2 weeks and does a through cleaning. In between I have to do the laundry and daily tidy up. I make the bed, clean 2 bathrooms every day, including scrubbing the tub which I use with oils daily for my dry skin so it gets very messy. I vacuum every 3 or 4 days, and clean up the kitchen after 3 meals a day, but usually I only have to run the dishwasher once a day. For the other 2 meals I just load it up.I never leave it go overnight though, it gets run at least once every day.I also do things like cleaning off the lanai as needed and generally trying to put things away, which is a challenge behind a very messy DH.I sweep the hard surface floors daily too. All in all I would say I spend about an hour every day on cleaning up here, in addition to what the housekeeper does.