Anyone Retire in 2013?

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

Hi Everyone,

I ask the question, as I retired at the end of May and am interested in knowing how other folks are doing.

Within two months, we had moved to another state to be near DD and SIL, as she was expecting her first child. It was our plan to be a part of this new baby's life. We're now ensconced in a scheduled which includes baby 4 days a week (originally it was to have been 2, then changed to 3, then last minute to 4).

We're not comfortably off, though that was our original plan. Unfortunately, DH suffered from the economic woes of the country and Silicon Valley and was laid off many times, as his engineering positions were high level and those always went first.

Further down the road, we lost our home (long story and not our fault - economy again) - relocated so that he could once again work at the high tech level he excelled at, only to be laid off 2 years later. From then on, he could only get minimum wage jobs.

So, bottom line for me is that I'm grateful that he did have those lofty jobs in Silicon Valley, as he gets max SS. My SS is close to 2/3 of his and I have a tiny pension from working for the feds for 12 years (pays our healthcare, dental and vision).

We haven't been on a vacation in 15 years and won't in the future. And, it's become clear that the drinking I knew my husband did equates to alcoholism. Now that I'm home all the time, I've found him quite controlling, which is very new, and find that some days it's just best if I keep my mouth shut. I've found I really wish I was back at work, though my left knee and low back would tell me otherwise. And recent thoughts bring me to wonder how long I will be able to tolerate this. Yes, we have spoken; but, it has not gone well at all.

My goodness, but this hasn't been the retirement I thought I might enjoy with my husband, grandbaby, needlepoint and books.

Thank you for stopping by.

Preds · ‎12-17-2012

Good luck to both of you and your family. Try to find something .... movies, crafts, hobbies, something that you both can get into. You can love someone and not like them and vise versa. Try to learn about each other and find a place where you can merge. It might be there if you look for it.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

lulu2 · ‎03-09-2010

You've had so many changes in a relatively short amount of time. A combination of any of them would be stressful.

It is quite possible you are suffering from exhaustion. Though we want to be an active part in our children's lives, we need to consider what is best for us. While I'm sure you adore your grandchild and cherish time spent together, taking care of a baby is hard work, particular as we age. Full-time child care is not the same thing as visiting. Maybe your daughter would consider outside child care 2 days a week.

Some YOU time could make a world of difference.

biancardi · ‎03-10-2010

I would suggest finding someone to talk to - a counselor. You've been thru so much and your life is a ticking time b0mb of stress.

retirement is scary nowadays, but you have more on your plate than most people....good luck to you and your family.

If you can't fix what's broken, you'll go insane ~ Max
Look, I don’t like the taste of broccoli, but it doesn’t get tastier if you call it “Broccoli!”!
You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling. ~ Eames

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

It sounds like you would benefit from counseling. If your husband won't go, go alone. You will grow bitter living a life you didn't choose.

AngelPuppy1 · ‎03-13-2010

You are going through major life changes. Not just one event, but many! Not wonder you are experiencing problems. I cannot even imagine all that you are going through. Just one of these things would be more than enough.

I don't know if this is possible, but can you talk to your daughter and perhaps she could get child care for 1 or 2 days so that you could not have do this so often? It's not that you don't love the child, but this is a lot to handle and must limit you and make you very tired.

Also, I wasn't quite clear -- is your husband home all the time now? If so, I am thinking that the move, and the change in job situation is something that he is not adjusting to well at all either. Men seem (in a lot of cases) to lose their identity when they no longer work and they find themselves floundering as to who they are and what their purpose is. So, he is turning to alcohol more. I would try to have a heart to heart with him and show him that I am sympathetic to him and not be accusatory in any way. Perhaps, he would do well to get a part time job, even if it were just to keep him occupied and give him an outlet. This would also give you 2 some separate time as well.

And lastly, if you do find some time to yourself -- which is sounding like you need --- is there a center near you where you could take a class of some kind -- craft or exercise?

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

On 2/16/2014 tansy said: Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

tansy,

Yes, we're babysitting four days a week. As previously stated, DD started asking about 2, then increased to 3, then 2 weeks before we moved she called to "confirm" that we were babysitting 4 days a week. After discussing this with my husband, we agreed to move ahead with it. I wasn't too thrilled, as I knew there were "things" I wanted to get done or do that would not now be possible.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I am very sorry to hear your retirement is far from what you had expected. This stage of your life should be happy and relaxing, and sadly what you've described is not fitting that bill. I totally agree with seeking help through counseling; go for yourself first, then work on getting your husband there as well. Wishing you better days ahead.

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

Hello Everyone,

I'd like to thank all of you for your very kind remarks, queries and suggestions. Here's some input:

DH fell into semi-retirement out of need and worked a minimum wage job until we moved here in late July. He does not work now and neither do I. I'm unable to work due to a workers' comp injury which resulted in low back surgery and an upcoming left knee replacement in early May. So...we are together 24/7. I do so wish I could get out and take long walks, but my knee and foot prevent this at present. Taking classes: signed up for 3 classes and they were all canceled. Way bad karma! I could not believe it.

Counseling: he will not go. He also needs AA or something like it, but denies he's an alcoholic. He was falling down drunk one night during a stop we made on our way up here in July. Went outside, unbeknownst to me, apparently fell over a parked car and hit his head on the sidewalk. Some concerned folks driving by saw him laying out there, stopped and noted he was out cold and started knocking on doors (we were staying with a friend). So, off we go to the hospital. He's lucky he didn't sustain a hematoma on his brain, but to this day makes light of the whole thing. I'm aware that counseling can do much, but my brain is having a problem wrapping itself around the positive benefits I would receive, while his rehaviors remain the same.

I do "craft" and have several projects going as far as a quilt, needlepoint (x2) and crochet (x3) are concerned. I usually do these (not the quilting) in my recliner (for my back) in front of the TV, which riles my other half. Oh, well.

In the last week, I came to the realization that if I could afford it I'd leave, but I can't due to finances. So, right now I see no light at the end of the tunnel - I'm stuck.

Thank you all again for being so kind and providing me with wonderful input.

-Rebecca