An old friend called to let me know she has cancer- advice needed

happycat · ‎09-18-2010

A dear old friend called me today to let me know she is sick. I am so glad she called me, we hadn't talked in a while. She is a wonderful person. Her health situation is complicated... I had a hard time knowing what to say, and they I got weepy and couldn't help it- Not full blown balling but crying some. I asked her if she needed anything, she said no, that she thought of me often and wanted to see how I was and let me know her situation. I am going to look for some uplifting books to get for her. She is home now, she has to have more tests. Drs. are unsure of what they are going to do. Is there anything you ladies can think of that would be good for someone going thru a time of uncertainty? TIA

Remee · ‎11-12-2013

I suggest you go to "" Health and Fitness"" and seek the advice of the many people on the Cancer Survivor's thread. I'm sure they can be most helpful.

Good luck and God bless you and your friend.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

I've had many friends that had/have cancer along with 2 of my older sisters, one of which died at age 52 of it. Also have spend hours/days and weeks in the Cancer Center as that is where I go to get my blood and iron transfusions.

Almost everyone there is a cancer patient with the exception of a few like myself that are seeing a Hematologist for blood issues.

If you know this friend real well it never hurts to visit in person if you are able to do so. My friends with cancer I made it a point to talk with them and let them "lead" on the conversations. Since most of my friend were either hockey players or those interested it auto racing, those topics were always talk about.

With my 2 sisters we talked a lot more about the treatments they were getting and more specificity when it came to a prognosis given by the doctors and so on. Two of my good friends had surgery for their prostate cancer and I visited them while they were in the hospital, and also made sure to call of visit them once they got home. Same with both of my sisters.

As the other poster mentioned, there are many on the Health and Fitness Forum that are Cancer Survivors or have had family members or close friends with cancer. That is the forum where I spend most of my time along with the Electronics Talk Forum

Just a couple things I could think of at this wee hour of the morning.

Best wishes to your friend.

hckynut(john)

Big Sister · ‎05-15-2010

If you cannot spend time with her, then the next best thing is to call her frequently and say, "I'm thinking of you." Let her talk if she's up to it, and just be a good listener.

If she is able to go out, take her out for lunch and don't concentrate on cancer. Treat her like your old friend and let her conversation lead the way.

People with a serious illness don't want to be considered "the friend with cancer."

Maybe you can be her sounding board when she needs to talk.

Hayfield · ‎03-10-2010

Hi! The following was posted on the BB by a good friend and it may help:

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing. . . . not healing. . . . not curing . . . . that is a friend indeed." Henri Nouwen

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

Cancer treatment many times means isolation for the patient (due to compromised immune system) so I was told to avoid large gatherings, anyone sick, and babies (something to do with their vaccinations) and small children (cuz they are germ factories passing colds back and forth to each other due to school). This was 3 years ago.

As such, call often and send Thinking of You cards. If you live close, offer to run errands or see if they need food in the house, etc. BTW, don't buy or bring food into the house for them without asking. Many chemos cause a very salty metallic taste in your mouth and very little food is tolerated and may not stay down. Foods I could tolerate from time to time continually changed periodically - I lost 35 pounds within a 3 week period. One of the absolute worst things (for me, cuz I love to get out a lot) was that I experienced exhaustion from the drugs that I've never before or after experienced.

Let the patient lead the way - if she wants to talk, listen, if not, leave it alone. I had a relative who called often and pushed, prodded wanting every detail of my latest oncologist appointment. I told her to back off and she just didn't get it so I got blunt - told her flat out that my diagnosis was not up to discussion and if she continued, I'd hang up or no longer take calls from her.

happycat · ‎09-18-2010

Wonderful suggestions here- thank you all so much.

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

I have two friends with cancer. One just finished chemo and is starting radiation. The other just finished radiation and is starting chemo. I call twice a week to see how they are doing. Neither answers the phone when they are having a bad day. I leave a detailed upbeat message, then try again a couple days later. I offer to do things, but don't push.

It's the being there part that I work toward. I always make sure I listen and not give an opinion, unless asked for it.

wagirl · ‎03-09-2010

Just be there for her. Listen to her and cry if you need to and let her know that you are there. Call her often , Visit often. Offer to cook for her or take her to appts. If you are close, go with her to those appts so there is another set of ears . I was DX with breast cancer in 2012 and the people I thought were friends pretty much abandoned me; but there were others that stood by me. If she has to have chemo and loses her hair, please don't say that it's only hair and will grow back---I HATED hearing that as that statement is so dismissive. Find out as much as you can about her cancer so you have something to fall back on. Be upbeat and positive but don't try to downplay her fears. Try not to get her books strictly about cancer--they can be depressing. I never read any of those I got--gave them away ASAP. I wanted to laugh not worry 24/7. Funny movies are the best. I lived on Big Bang Theory from TV. And even tho she says she doesn't NEED anything--she really does. Don't know if you live close or not but a phone call every few days is really good. I had one good friend who called me every other day and text me too.

Good luck to her and you!!

10grands · ‎03-10-2010

You have been good advice. It sounds like you do not live close to her, so visiting or going out to lunch isn't a possibility. I had Breast Cancer, please do not send her books. I know everyone is different, but it is important to keep things as normal as possible. She really doesn't need to hear you break down, if you talk to her on the phone, let her set the pace. It really is nice to talk to someone about something else, unless she brings it up.

Please do not tell her you have done research on it. Each case is different and it is very important for her to listen to her Dr.s, nurses, etc. about it.

I would suggest sending a 'thinking of you' card ( a cheerful one) and calling once in a while to talk.