Community Chat

[Pashmina_1]

Dr Jodi Prinivalli - The Fine Art of Not Being Offended

There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. The secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defences and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young. Yes, this is psycho-dynamic. But let's face it, we live in a world where psycho-dynamics are what make the world go round. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.
All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other's life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding. A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the ones who happen to be standing in the right place at the right psycho-dynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing - we don't have to take life personally. If it weren't us, it would likely be someone else. This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering - even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we prove no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world.
We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing. People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside are not usually keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one's therapists. We need only to understand the situation and move on. in the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place. This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying.
When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. we can say, 'Thank you for sharing', and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us. When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.
The greatest challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.

[BellaPaprika]

I think that's true in some relationships. And in an ideal world where we are all confident and secure and well adjusted. But there are people who do intend to offend and for them it is personal.Being offensive is their weapon of choice In fact, they are bullies and aim their offensive remarks directly at those least able to attain the high plane of self awareness of which this article speaks.

Someone who is very young or very insecure or troubled in any way cannot rationalize away the offensive remarks as the writer describes. Therefore it behooves us all to try not to offend, to apologize if unwittingly we do and to defend those who cannot deal with the pain the remark or behavior has caused. A simple piece of advice that my mother gave me - think before you speak.

[Pashmina_1]

Agreed but it still goes back to taking nothing personal or getting offended by saying nothing. Then it stops there.

When we prove no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world.
We do not even have to say a thing.

[Lila Belle]

if it were only that easy.

[deepwaterdotter]

I voice my opinion at the ballot box, and no one gets offended.

[dooBdoo]

Pashmina, A thought-provoking thread. Your post reminds me of one of my favorite books... one I'm re-reading now, in fact. (GMTA!) "The Four Agreements" (summary), and in particular agreement #2:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

~~~~~~

Thanks for the thread!

[NoelSeven]

What is the source of the commentary?

[NoelSeven]

On 4/2/2015 dooBdoo said:

Pashmina, A thought-provoking thread. Your post reminds me of one of my favorite books... one I'm re-reading now, in fact. (GMTA!) "The Four Agreements" (summary), and in particular agreement #2:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

~~~~~~

Thanks for the thread!

Do you believe the comment about abuse only if believed?

[NoelSeven]

If the premise was true, it would mean there was no reality to verbal abuse, as happens to children and many wives.

[dooBdoo]

Hi, Noel! Yikes, I hope you know me well enough to know I don't deny existence of or offer excuses for abuse. I've mentioned my experience with abuse, though I won't go into details again here. Have you read the book? It's about learning to love and value yourself. It's a book of compassion and love, about stress-management, personal growth, and self-awareness. He's talking about trying to avoid self-abuse in that summary but also about learning and appreciating our own, intrinsic value and shedding as much of the bad things, or bad people, or bad energy, as we possibly can. It's not about guaranteeing bad things won't happen in life, and it's far from telling anyone to accept or enable harm toward anyone. Just being able to recognize it and how to take steps to do what we can to make a good life. But it's so much more than that. The summary isn't really enough of an explanation and I know I'm not going to be an adequate interpreter... as I said, I'm just now re-reading it.

O/T, I do hope you're healing and taking gentle care of yourself. Please see my post on your thread in the Health and Fitness forum, okay. (((gentle cyberhugs))) so those ribs won't hurt.