Community Chat

[Roscoe the Rascal]

If she asks be honest.  I think down deep she knows and finds it easier to give to you and let you handle.  Whatever works and not an easy task for either one of you.

I think being honest is better because you want her to trust you. She gave them to you so your choice to do what you want with them.  If she asks why you did that simply because others can use them more and that is a good thing.

I do not like to be lied to or mislead.

[AuntG]

Well you could honestly try it on and donate what doesn't work for you, even if it is 100%. Keep encouraging her.

[Goldengate8361]

Honestly is the best policy. Just tell her, "Thank you--and I am going to doante them to XXX." You shouldn't fool yourself into believing that your acceptance of her gift of clothes will meaningfully help her hoarding issue. It will not. Just be honest. If you really want to help her, try to encourage her to seek professional conselling from someone who specializes in helping hoarders (and if she agrees, then pay for it for her). 

[GenXmuse]

It sounds like you are to me!

[Mindy D]

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@Goldengate8361 wrote:

Honestly is the best policy. Just tell her, "Thank you--and I am going to doante them to XXX." You shouldn't fool yourself into believing that your acceptance of her gift of clothes will meaningfully help her hoarding issue. It will not. Just be honest. If you really want to help her, try to encourage her to seek professional conselling from someone who specializes in helping hoarders (and if she agrees, then pay for it for her). 

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@Goldengate8361 @Telling her will just add a step, in her mind, that prevents her from getting rid of the stuff. She is already making progress. It's not a good time in the process to impede the progress. 

[occasionalrain]

When someone gives you something, it is a gift. Say thank you. 

There is no obligation to tell the person what you intend on doing with the gift, which once received, belongs to you.

It becomes your choice what you do with your possessions.

Keeping your intentions to yourself is not a lie. Honesty is not the best policy when all that's required is a thank you.

[gizmogal]

Why do feel any need to tell your sister what you're doing with those items she gives up?  You're not doing anything illegal or immoral. So why the big question of what is "right?" You're not fooling her. You're helping facilitate the purge process. She selects, you dispose of it. Donating 

useful items is beneficial. There is no downside. It is a good thing to do. 

Why does she need to know?  Has she asked what happens to all those bags of clothes?  If she's not asking or doesn't seem to have any expectations of your revealing your disposition of these things, why have a quandary about informing her. 

If she asks, tell the truth. Trust between you requires truth and simple explanations. If she doesn't ask, don't interfere with whatever motivates your sister to purge. Her decisions are to get it out of her house. Your decision is where it goes from there. 

Sorry to be so direct, but I think you're overthinking your role. She purges and you dispose of the stuff once she hands it over. Keep it simple for both of you. 

If you want to feel a lot of regret, you go tell her that her precious stuff she struggles to part with has value to utter strangers and so you donate it according to your own judgment.  Tell us how that went!

[KathyM23]

I think the status quo is working just fine.  She is purging and you are giving to those in need.  Both good things.  As far as therapy goes, sometimes it is very helpful and necessary and sometimes it just adds more anxiety and is not helping.  As we don't know your sister or her reasons for the impulse to hoard and you do, perhaps you could decide whether or not to guide her to therapy.  Hoarding is often an anxiety issue - maybe she will benefit, maybe not

I don't know why I think this, but I was getting ready to agree with the poster who suggested wearing some so she can see you in them, but for some reason I changed my mind - no since reminding her she no longer owns these items.  I think the best thing is out of sight, out of mind.  Just keep accepting her purges therefore helping her and others in need of the clothing.  I would also not bring up you are donating them unless she asks.  

I sure would try to keep her from adding to the hoard with impulse buying!

[pigletsmom]

I think not telling her is ok because she gave the stuff to you so you can do what you want. As someone mentioned, if it comes up tell her you donated stuff that didn't fit. 

I do think while she's purging I'd encourage her to donate some stuff herself. Explaining how much it could help other people might make her feel better about it. Start slow though. Maybe pick one or two items from what she gives you and ask about donating them. If she says yes tell her you'll take care of it to remove that burden from her.