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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,341
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

You have written that you have told your oldest freind your feelings regarding your sadness during the holidays on several occasions.  I don't think you are being too sensitive but that she is not being sensitive enough to your feelings and your situation.  I feel if my oldest friend were telling me this, then I would include her in my holiday festivities.  If she chose not to participate, then I would not elaborate excessively about all my presents, all the hoopla of my holidays.  I would not pretend that these things were  not happening because when you are friends you should be able to share experiences, good and bad.  However, the bottom line as far as I am concerned is your friend is being very self-centered and not sensitive at all to how you are feeling.  I would tell her once again --- stating -- I am happy for you that you are fortunate to have a large family that you get to share the holiday season with but it is very painful for me to have to listen as you elaborate about all of your festivities, because as you know I have no family members to share it with.  If she still does not get it, then maybe she is not as good a friend as you think she is and you should look to other means to get the support you need.  

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,798
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

I know many of you mention that the holidays are for family members only.  I beg to disagree.  Personally I cannot count in the last 10 years not having someone who would be alone for these holidays gracing our dinner table.  There has always been plenty of time for "family time" after our guests have left.  The appreciation these guests have expressed to us is worth it all.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,307
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

I think you're being too sensitive.  Yes, it's a very touchy area for you.   A good friend would revel in another friend's joy.   

 

I don't like Christmas either.  I find it depressing (another story).  I am never be upset that friends have a wonderful Christmas or other holiday.  I'm glad theirs are so much better than mine.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 794
Registered: ‎08-25-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

I haven’t read most of the previous replies to your post, so forgive me if I repeat one. The next time she regales you with stories about her wonderful family celebrations, say something like, “You’re so fortunate to have such a large and loving family!” Maybe that will make her realize that she’s rubbing salt in your wound and make her more sensitive to your situation. 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 717
Registered: ‎03-02-2016

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

Yes, you are being too sensitive. Your "oldest friend" is sharing with you what brings her happiness at the holiday season.  That is just a normal thing to do with friends. Why would you feel she is rude about that? It is your Choice to not celebrate the holidays. She probably doesn't invite you to join in the festivities with her family because she knows you will say no. Your friend is not being rude and insensitive. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,601
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?


@Onefineday wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

@Onefineday wrote:

My father died in 2005. My mother passed many years before that. My sister has not been in touch with our family for many, many years. Since I have no other family, I no longer really enjoy the holidays. I have told my oldest friend this on several ocassions. She has a large extended family and the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas she tells me all about the great food she had, who was there, and after Christmas she goes through all the presents she received. I find this very insensitive - and rude. I can tell you if the situation was reversed I would not do this.  However, I am wondering am I  over reacting?? 


I have a really different take on this.  I would not expect to be invited to family holiday dinners.  They are for families to bond, remember growing up, make plans and talk about relatives you don't know.  Me personally, I would be terribly uncomfortable at someone else's holiday family dinner.

 

She is your friend.  I'm sure you two enjoy many outings and meals together at other times.  She is simply sharing stories about her holiday and thinking you will enjoy hearing about it and be happy for her.  

 

If she goes on a family vacation you wouldn't expect to be invited would you?  The holidays are family time.  I really think you have nothing to be upset about at all.  Enjoy your friendship and be happy that she gets together with her family.


I never mentioned nor have I ever expected or wanted to be invited to her family dinners. I have found it rude that she carries on about her great holiday when she knows they are sad for me.


@Onefineday  I find it sad that you aren't happy for her.  It is the filp side of the coin.  You could choose to share in her happiness, therefore making youreslf happy.  Does her happiness deprive you of happiness in  any way?

 

A huge part of our joy is sharing the joy of others, joining in their happiness, being excited as you listen to their excitement. 

 

Please again think about a family gathering.  Sometimes families tease one another, tell stories, are totally casual and at ease with one another, and embrace family on holidays in a way that is not just a party or a meal.  To me, it would have been awkward to have friends included.

 

I think you need to think about that and not begrudge your friend for wanting to be with her family.  It's a special time for them.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or is trying to hurt you.  Apparently she feels close enough to you that she thinks you will share her excitement and joy.

 

If that isn't the case, maybe you want to think about what this fiendship means to YOU.  Maybe it is one that for whatever reason you have, is not longer adding to your life.  

 

Bless your heart, it is hard to hurt and I understand that.  But I'm not sure why one day with family is causing you so much distress and pain.  

Contributor
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎12-31-2018

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

Tell her how this makes you feel. It probably won't change anything but it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose so go ahead and tell her. Don't get angry and berate her but maybe a tear or two running down your cheeks might get the message across better.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,906
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

Why don't you invite yourself??? I would, if she were such a good friend and I was comfortable with that---I'm not one to stand on ceremony. ask as a joke, ---say--what can i bring or what time should I be there? or just plain ask her if you can come over----whats the worse thing she can say----No---right? then you will know how good a friend she is. Too much precious time and energy wasted on feeling bad........

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,541
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

Putting a friend on the spot, inviting oneself is impolite and an excellent way to lose a friend. 

Why would anyone want to be where they weren't wanted. For that matter, I can't imagine anyone wanting a pity invitation.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,347
Registered: ‎06-21-2015

Re: Am I being too sensitive?

You said that your sister hasn't been in touch with the family for many years, so why aren't you calling her. I'm not sure if it wasn't for me initiating all our family gatherings throughout the year that we all enjoy, that it would happen. It might of been the most thrilling part of hers and yours holiday.