Akward request to attend funeral - Page 13

Tissyanne · ‎12-07-2012

I have always thought that gathering at a funeral of someone you haven't spoken to, or taken the time to visit is very sad indeed. If you didn't care enough to maintain contact through life, then after death is obviously too late. I am speaking about the sons here, not the ex husband.

I have personal feelings on this because I have witnessed it several times throughout my own life.

If you care about someone contact them, and visit them while they are alive.

This man should make his own decision here, and the sons should respect it. He has been divorced from the deceased for thirty years. The sons were not in touch with their mother, so why now?

Toppers3 · ‎10-25-2016

@manny2 wrote:
@Toppers3 wrote:
@occasionalrain wrote:
I'm sure if the father's health prevented him from attending, his son's would have accepted that and not presisted.
Speaking from my own personal experience, I think that you would be very surprised at what people expect you to do when you're not well, and they still persist in wanting you to do something anyway. It seems as though your health concerns aren't taken into consideration. It seems as though what they want from you is only what is considered.
If this man has a chronic health condition, it would just be stated and that would be that. The sons would be aware of it, and I am sure they would not persist in asking him to come. Not well? What does that mean? It sounds like an excuse.

We are parents to our children for a lifetime. It does not stop at a specific age. It appears the father has a relationship with his sons, or they wouldn’t ask. If I was the father, I would do everything to preserve that relationship and attend with them.

I cannot imagaine anyone using their health as an "excuse" to get out of doing something.

I already explained from experience that others might not want to acknowledge that someone can be dealing with any kind of health condition, family member or not.

It shouldn't matter what the health issue is.

Someone should be respected for their decision, especially if they are ill.

No one I know who has been ill has ever used it as an "excuse" to get out of doing any kind of activity.

In this thread, it mentions that the Dad/husband isn't well. To me, that really should be respected, first and foremost. If his children are older adults, then that tells me he is elderly.

Does anyone know if the Dad is able to drive or get around alright?

People here are assuming that everything is well enough with him and that he really should just attend this funeral anyway, but no one knows the state of his health for sure, and if he's able to get around alright.

It's indicated that he's not feeling well--I'm paraphrasing--but that really isn't taken into consideration here by too many.

If the OP is trying to look out for her husband, then to me, there must be other reasons for it, and possibly more going on than we may even know about.

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@Tissyanne wrote:
I have always thought that gathering at a funeral of someone you haven't spoken to, or taken the time to visit is very sad indeed. If you didn't care enough to maintain contact through life, then after death is obviously too late.

I have personal feelings on this because I have witnessed it several times throughout my own life.

If you care about someone contact them, and visit them while they are alive.

This man should make his own decision here, and the sons should respect it. He has been divorced from the deceased for thirty years. The sons were not in touch either.

Finely, a person with common sense.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

Snicks1 · ‎07-28-2012

I would agree with Toppers3, as I stated at the end of my own response, "Unless there is more going on than was stated". In my experience, tho, once you hit your 70s, you can say on any given day that you're not feeling well, lol. At least I know I'm not. Your experience may be entirely different (hopefully it is).
I, nor any of us, have any clue as to the dynamics between these men, their father, stepmother, etc. But I just related my own experience when faced with the same situation, altho at a much younger age, and that is all. And I also stated, "maybe it's just me".

"To each their own, in all things".

Snicks1 · ‎07-28-2012

At any rate, that was days ago, I'm fairly sure the event is over by now and whatever they decided is what they did. Meanwhile, this thread continues ragging on and on. Time to let it go. The OP has not returned, and who can blame her?

The threads are just relentless on this board. LOL

"To each their own, in all things".

Mersha · ‎03-10-2010

@Snicks1 I always felt if you ask for help here and posters take the time and effort to respond, I want to acknowledge the responses and/or report the outcome.

It looks like that will not happen here.

"My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane."

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

From the time when I was a child until my father's death, to any request I made, his response was to ask if it was important to me. If I told him it was important to me, his response was then it was important to him. Never did my father let me down.

Perhaps that's the reason I find this father such a disappointment.

Trailrun23 · ‎05-31-2022

Thanks for so many responses. It is always interesting to see so many different opinions about situations like this.

Trailrun23 · ‎05-31-2022

The funeral will not be held until August18. She died in one state and the funeral will be in another. I have no idea how/ why the arrangements are being made like this. The deceased has four other exes who may or may not show up; it is not a matter of someone not bothering to visit or caring enough to stay in touch when a couple divorces. If you don't know anyone who has been divorced, maybe it is hard to understand. I received many responses to my initial post...and now there is over 1,100. Sorry but I am not able to respond to each and every post, especially as soon as they are posted. For those who are disappointed in DH if he doesn't attend...you are not in his shoes, don't know him or his sons, and know nothing of the dynamics of his relationships with his sons....judgement of him as a person if he doesn't go or if he does attend, doesn't seem fair. All I was hoping for were other peoples opinions or insights on whether they would go or not if in this situation.

SouthernBee · ‎09-16-2010

@Trailrun23 : You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My first marriage ended in divorce and thankfully no kids. His mother had it in for me after I refused to call her Mom. His girlfriend that dumped him to marry someone else got a divorce and she came back: his mother encouraged him to divorce me. So I wish the best for him but if he dies first: not going to the funeral.

Current DH was married and had four kids and then wife wouldn't and currently refuses to take her bipolar medication. Soap opera even today with her and adult kids. Stuff happens when you have family, kids and divorce. No body really knows what a Family is dealing with. You probably made this post : feeling the need to vent and that is ok. Just my thoughts and opinion.🤗🙏