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Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,415
Registered: ‎11-25-2011

Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country


@JohnnyEager wrote:

Those are good points.  I was thinking the same thing about finances.

 

If she is of legal age and not financially dependent on her parents, all the parents can do is offer advice and counsel.

 

If she is still financially dependent, then the obvious response is don't buy the plane ticket.

 

Anything the parents do to facilitate the meeting financially is aiding and abetting the daughter's actions.


I'm leaning in to this dialogue more than the other

'danger-danger' posts. I hate to be obvious about this but

people get killed, cheated & sex trafficked here in the good 'ole USA.  

There's always going to be concern since she's your daughter

but maybe....just maybe...she will be happy?  And I would think 

as a parent, we would want our children to be happy. 🤷‍♀️

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

I hope you have lots of money, because my first thought was to hire an investigator. Ideally, someone who can call on peer contacts in the subject's country.

 

I'd think much can be done from here, such as digging up any criminal record, marital status, occupation, income, residence, schooling, property ownership, etc.

This part wouldn't be so costly.

 

This someone should then fly over there and track down this guy and investigate his character. You'd want personal contract and face to face time to get a good read on the guy. 

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

While that's certainly true that dangers exist in this country, at least there wouldn't be as many barriers to helping her should she be in danger.

 

I think the OP is rightfully concerned, but you can't forbid her to do something she has her heart set on (unless you are paying for it I guess). I would insist that someone go with her if she refuses to reconsider. I also think that he should come here to visit her.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. ~ Desmond Tutu
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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

There's an overwhelming assumption that the mother can control the daughter's actions, when in fact she says she's of legal age.  If she were 15 she could forbid her to go.

 

That's where the issue of fiscal independence comes into play.  If she's an adult she can go anywhere she chooses with her own funds.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

[ Edited ]

@Petepetey 

 

Sweden is no longer a safe country.  Murder, assaults, and rape have become everyday occurrences, mostly by foreign asylum seekers.  Does she have a photo of him?  

 

Even if he is Swedish, she'd be placing herself in real danger.  You need to tell her how dangerous it is.  There's a lot on the Internet.  Would she want to live there if this became a serious relationship?  

 

I would never go to Sweden myself.

 

Some young people are so headstrong they don't listen to wise advice, but since she's of legal age, regardless of what you say, she may decide to go anyway.  There's not much you can do about it as long as she's paying for the trip herself.

 

 

 

 

 

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

Where my husband works they had a lot of presentations on trafficing.  I would bet someone in local law enforcement specializes in this and would be able to chat with your daughter about the dangers, what to look out for, etc.

 

I really would check with them to see what is available information in your area.  

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country


@Petepetey wrote:

Red flags all around this-I am heartsick that my daughter, of legal adult age,

has fallen for a guy from another country. She talks of flying over there to meet him.

 

Of course I know how horrible this sounds and could be. I have strongly told her my objections.

 

She has known him via the gaming world for over 7 years and recently she has taken a liking to him in a boyfriend sense and he too I guess.

 

She does not have an interest in local men, she says. 

 

So why would she risk flying around the world to meet a stranger and not risk meeting a local guy for a cup of coffee? 

 

Very nervous scared mom here looking for words of wisdom to stop this nonsense. 


 

 

how MATURE do you think she is? it is ultimately her decision and you should make sure you know where she is staying. ask her to check in with you daily.

 

of course, going to another country is a vacation and adventure (which will be a bonus to meeting her friend.)

 

approach her and let her know that you would be happy to go there with her and rent a hotel room for you both so that she and you feel safe. if you cannot go then make sure she gives you a phone number and address of where she will be staying. encourage her to stay at a hotel.

 

you say he lives in sweden but is he swedish, with a swedish passport? he may not have an easy opportunity to get a visa to come to the usa if he is not swedish. getting visitor visas these days has become much more difficult.

 

have YOU met the man online also? that might be a good idea also.

**************************************************
"Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier." - Colin Powell
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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

[ Edited ]

Here's what can happen if Daughter feels the Mom is being too nosy:

 

 

 

Daughter buys her own tickets and doesn't tell Mom when she's leaving.

 

 

Daughter doesn't tell Mom where she will be staying.

 

 

Daughter doesn't tell Mom when she'll be back.

 

 

 

 

 

Mom could be surprised when one day, Daughter sends her a text that says, "Surprise Mom! I'm in Sweden, and Bjorn is wonderful! Here's a pic of Bjorn & I together."

 

 

 

 

As a mother, all she can really do is tell her to please be careful, the rest is up to the daughter, and is out of Mom's hands.

 

 

 

 

Of course Mom is going to worry, that's what mom's do, and I would be worried too if this was my daughter. My mom would worry about me until her last breath and I was 30 years old. I'm NOT discounting being worried concerned.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

I am just writing from my own experience. 

 

We attended the New York World's Fair (1964 - 1965). In the Parker Pen pavilion you could sign up and get a "pen pal" from another country. So I signed up and got a boy from Taiwan.

 

The correspondence started out slow. He was learning English so I am sure it took time and effort for him to write to me. We had a dear family friend who was from China and would translate his letters. So he started writing to me in Chinese. And the family friend translated for me. He started sending me small gifts, which I had no idea why. 

 

Then when I went away to college, he had to write his letters in English again. Because I wasn't living near our family friend. Suddenly his letters were quite amorous. I honestly thought maybe he found a book and was copying from the book. 

 

I also began to wonder if the family friend was selective in what she told me his letters said. 

He talked about coming to the United States to visit. I was willing to help in any way. UNTIL he talked about getting married. Oh My! That scared the begeebers out of me. I did not really know this guy except for some nice friendly letters through the years. I replied thanks but no thanks.

 

I hope your daughter takes the time to get to know this guy. And since she is an adult and you raised her well. Please sit back and hope she handles this situation well. I can not blame you for being scared. She is treading into unknown waters. I am sure she thinks it is exciting. But for poor Mom, you are looking for her to venture into a more comfortable zone.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

Apparently meeting people in person you meet via online gaming is becoming prevalent.  I have two instances that I know of where this happened, both in the same family:

 

My friend's husband met a young girl (in another state, not country) while gaming online.  It started out as a group thing, then over the years became just a one-on-one with the two of them.  This girl was less than half the age of my friend's husband.  They flew her out to visit them a few times over the years, meaning they paid for her flight and expenses.  Just recently my friend realized they were doing more than just playing video games together.  My friend filed for divorce, after 34 years of marriage.  It's a big mess.

 

This same friend's daughter is an online gamer as well.  She just came back from a six week vacation to visit a girl she met online who lives in Great Britain.  The daughter is in her mid-20's and has been independent for some years, so although my friend was concerned, there wasn't much she could do about it.  The girl in GB is a nurse, comes from a well-to-do family, and lives with her parents.  They paid for the daughter to go there, along with all expenses while she was there.  My friend was able to communicate with her daughter and the family during the whole visit via text, phone or video chat. That instance turned out fine.

 

So, it can be a negative or a positive.  As for what you can do about the situation, I agree that if your daughter is independent of you, about all you can do is express your concern and express the need to your daughter to get all the information about this man as possible.  If it's indeed on the up-and-up, she should be able to answer all your questions and give you adequate information to be able to reach her on every step of her trip.