Community Chat

[reiki604]

The quickest way to get someone to do something is sometimes to forbid them to do that thing. Hopefully you have raised your daughter to have a level head and if you live in a large metro area, some street smarts as well.  She might learn from this experience, that's it's easier to as for forgiveness than permission.  

[Shorty2U]

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@petepetey wrote:

Nice story Shorty2U

good thing he is moving to you and your family.

Now imagine this the other way. Your granddaughter moves to live with him. She will be out of your lives. Sure there will be a visit here and there. Once you are too old to travel you won't see her again. Think of all the special events, family gatherings, holidays. she won't be with you, she will be with his family in another country.   Hope you can live with that. 

Think about this young mans family and how they are losing him in their lives. I feel for them. 

As for meeting online-great, love that. There is no reason you can't meet someone wonderful in the area or state you live in. 

I also feel strongly that this man should attempt a visit here and my daughter should not be the one spending her hard earned money to see him. It would take all she has saved over the years. NO, we are not paying a dime for her to see him. 

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I agree with you, He shoud come here. And like i Said Id be worried too thats why I made the suggestions in my post earlier to speak to her all about everything (about him) In my granddaughters situation, we thought of that too, what if she would move there. We wouldnt see her much. But they discussed everything and he decided to move here because my granddaughter has a large family, he does not. He has his mom, dad, grandpop, 1 aunt, no siblings, and no cousins. And his parents travel to the states before so I am sure they will come here to visit. But yes that was all discussed according to my granddaughter. I also agree, its very different from our day of meeting people locally! So I dont blame you for worrying so I would talk to her and ask her things. Hopefully he will come here first. It is not easy beleive me. I hope things all work out.

[NYC Susan]

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@CalminHeart wrote:

Things like this are scary.  There are a lot of crazy people in this world. It's situations like this that I'm glad I had all boys.  

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Yes, girls are more at risk than boys, but boys can be in danger from this kind of thing too.

I can think of two stories right off the bat involving boys (actually young men) I know.  Not in other countries, but right here.  One was beaten and robbed.  The other had a feeling something wasn't quite right and got out in time.  So everyone needs to be cautious!  

[qbetzforreal]

As to meeting someone through online gaming: A friend's daughter met her husband-to-be through gaming with his mother.  She introduced them.  They've been happily married for ten years.

I studied abroad at the age of 19:  I returned alive to the US.  My parents encouraged me to go.  As previously mentioned in posted, they had no idea where or who I was exactly was going to be living with.

To the OP, you can worry that's your right as parent but your daughter is going to what she wants.  I think Marp's post hit the nail on the head.

[NYC Susan]

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@Travone wrote:

@petepeteyThe good news is that Sweden is a very safe country.  Based on what you wrote I am assuming she is a very young adult - 21 or 22.  Based on that I'm assuming she doesn't have a lot of experience traveling abroad by herself.  That is why I would be concerned.  I wouldn't want her traveling alone to meet someone. 

I agree with others the logical compromise is that he come here.  Do you perhaps have the room in your home to put him up for a week or so?  That will help you to get to know him and also save him some money.  It also shows your daughter that your support her plan to get to know him. 

I wouldn't discourage a relationship just becasue someone is from another country....they can and do work.  However being cautious is the right thing to do.

Please let us know what happens.

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Sweden may be a "safe" country, but that doesn't mean everyone who lives there has good intentions.  I also wouldn't invite a stranger to stay in my home for a week.  That's far too risky.  And way too much togetherness for two people who have never met and might not even like each other in person. Or one might and the other might not. Aside from the safety factor, it could be super-awkward.

For me, this isn't about discouraging a relationship because someone is from another country.  Many of my friends and much of my family live in other countries, and my niece recently married someone from Rome and moved there.  This is about a romance her daughter is expecting with someone she has never met in person and feels she knows well.  In all these years it's likely she has formulated an impression of him that easily could be totally off the mark.  Whatever she knows about him is just information he has provided himself.  She doesn't know his friends or his family, or even if his name is his real name.  

His expectation that she fly to him at her expense raises a red flag for me.  Maybe they'll meet and fall in love in person for real.  That would be great.  But - as you said - this needs to be handled with caution.

[NYC Susan]

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@Johnnyeager wrote:

There's an overwhelming assumption that the mother can control the daughter's actions, when in fact she says she's of legal age.  If she were 15 she could forbid her to go.

That's where the issue of fiscal independence comes into play.  If she's an adult she can go anywhere she chooses with her own funds.

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I agree.  And begging her not to do it, as others have suggested, could push her even more forward in this plan.  I'm sure she feels this guy is the love of her life and no one else understands.  The more parents put up a fuss, the more romantic the whole thing will seem to her.

I think the OP should state her concerns and the reasons why.  Suggest that a friend go with her.  But other than that, there's not much she can do.  I wouldn't pay for the ticket.  If the daughter feels she's adult enough to do this, then she needs to pay for her own ticket.  Parents might not be able to stop her, but they certainly shouldn't make it easy.

[NYC Susan]

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@Sooner wrote:

Where my husband works they had a lot of presentations on trafficing.  I would bet someone in local law enforcement specializes in this and would be able to chat with your daughter about the dangers, what to look out for, etc.

I really would check with them to see what is available information in your area.  

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This is a good thought.  I wonder if maybe the OP has a friend or family member in law enforcement who might be willing to speak to her daughter.  Warnings coming from someone she knows (other than her parents) might be helpful.

[NYC Susan]

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@drizzellla wrote:

I am just writing from my own experience. 

We attended the New York World's Fair (1964 - 1965). In the Parker Pen pavilion you could sign up and get a "pen pal" from another country. So I signed up and got a boy from Taiwan.

The correspondence started out slow. He was learning English so I am sure it took time and effort for him to write to me. We had a dear family friend who was from China and would translate his letters. So he started writing to me in Chinese. And the family friend translated for me. He started sending me small gifts, which I had no idea why. 

Then when I went away to college, he had to write his letters in English again. Because I wasn't living near our family friend. Suddenly his letters were quite amorous. I honestly thought maybe he found a book and was copying from the book. 

I also began to wonder if the family friend was selective in what she told me his letters said. 

He talked about coming to the United States to visit. I was willing to help in any way. UNTIL he talked about getting married. Oh My! That scared the begeebers out of me. I did not really know this guy except for some nice friendly letters through the years. I replied thanks but no thanks.

I hope your daughter takes the time to get to know this guy. And since she is an adult and you raised her well. Please sit back and hope she handles this situation well. I can not blame you for being scared. She is treading into unknown waters. I am sure she thinks it is exciting. But for poor Mom, you are looking for her to venture into a more comfortable zone.

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This is completely off-topic, but I remember the Parker Pen Pavilion well!  I went to the NY World's Fair many times.  I haven't thought about the Parker Pen Pavilion in years, but I got a penpal from Japan, and I remember being very excited.  She was a lovely girl, and we corresponded for a long time, talked about meeting, but never did.

Thanks for bringing back a nice memory!  (Sorry yours went sideways.)

[NYC Susan]

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@goldensrbest wrote:

You can not REALLY KNOW  someone by online ,i don't care if it has been 10 years.

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That's exactly right.  And I say this as someone who did a lot of online dating, all of it positive.  I had a really nice long-term relationship because of online dating.  And I met a lot of nice guys.  So I'm not one of those people who thinks that meeting someone online is asking for trouble.

But - His name might not be his name.  His photo might not be his photo.  Details he's shared about his life may or may not be true. The OP's daughter only knows what he has told her and what he wants her to know.  All of it - or some of it - could be completely made up.   "Knowing" someone online only goes so far.  Being together in person is completely different.  

[NYC Susan]

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@homedecor1 wrote:

@petepetey 

Just my 2cents -- my friend of 40+ years (widowed) met her "Mr. Wonderful" online.  After months & months of "talking ie conning" her they met.  He lived in same state.

First 6 months was "bliss" slowly he started controlling her & she started changing☹️.  She walked away from friends, family and a very good job ...she supports him.

Sadly, all of us (inc. her mom) see how he treats her & control's who she can see.  Her mother is not "allowed to call or visit"!

WHY?????  His answer is "her mother & family  are trouble"...because she tells him the truth that he is "controlling" and more...ugh!!!

She has paid off all his debts (married 4 times & alimony/support delinquent), bought him cars, new home in another state & more....

She is in a situation where she feels she can't leave him because "he loves & wants her near"....yeah right he's afraid he'll lose his meal ticket 😡

I pray your daughter comes to her senses...especially he's in another country!  I saw someone here said watch "90 Day Fiancé" I'm sure some is "scripted" but more is real life for these woman😳☹️

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Just to be fair (and provide some balance), this same situation could have happened no matter how she met him:  At a party, at her job, doing volunteer work, whatever.  They happened to meet online, but I don't see how that had anything to do with this  Women meet all kinds of men in all sorts of ways.  If she had initially met him in person rather than online, it probably would have all gone down the same way.  The problem here is not the online aspect.  It's the man himself and the dynamics between them.