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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country


@Kachina624 wrote:

@Roxxy wrote:
Why doesn't he fly here to see her, instead of her flying to him ??

Exactly.  If he's sincerely, really intetested, he'll come to visit her.  In most societies, the male does the pursuing.


 

I don't like that part of this either.  He might not be dangerous, but I don't like the idea that he expects her to come to him.  At her expense.  I would be much more impressed with a young man who came to see her and arranged for his own accommodations.

 

(That makes me sound very old-fashioned, and I'm really not!)

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country


@gramgrandkids1 wrote:

@Patbz  I agree 100% with you that getting abducted is the exception not the rule.  I meant it may be more difficult in a foreign country getting help from authorities in finding someone that is missing.  I have traveled to  France and England and other places outside the US and by no means am trying to suggest that just because you are in a foreign country you are going to get abducted.  


 

I was just about to post the same.  This is an entirely different situation than simply traveling outside the U.S.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

I am wondering if it could be a Catfish scenario. How old is your daughter? This seems like a poor decision. You just never know what you are walking into going to another country,i.e. laws, environment, culture and people. I would never do it.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

[ Edited ]

@Petepetey wrote:

Nice story Shorty2U

 

good thing he is moving to you and your family.

 

Now imagine this the other way. Your granddaughter moves to live with him. She will be out of your lives. Sure there will be a visit here and there. Once you are too old to travel you won't see her again. Think of all the special events, family gatherings, holidays. she won't be with you, she will be with his family in another country.   Hope you can live with that. 

 

Think about this young mans family and how they are losing him in their lives. I feel for them. 

 

As for meeting online-great, love that. There is no reason you can't meet someone wonderful in the area or state you live in. 

 

I also feel strongly that this man should attempt a visit here and my daughter should not be the one spending her hard earned money to see him. It would take all she has saved over the years. NO, we are not paying a dime for her to see him. 


 

I'm not sure how this went from concern for your daughter's safety to wanting to keep her always living near you.  If love or career or anything else takes her a distance from you, it's her life to live.  The mindset of "Once you're too old to travel, you won't see her again" is unfair to your daughter.

 

Most of my family lives nowhere near me (including one of my sons), many of them overseas. We don't spend most holidays together, and I wish we lived closer, but I have never once thought my son was "out of my life" or that I had lost him.  He is very successfully pursuing a dream, and after a tough childhood is happier than he's ever been.  That's what's most important to me.

 

Re your daughter's current situation:  I agree that he should come to her and that he should at the very least have offered to pay her airfare.  A decent guy would have done that.  But if this happens to work out - or if at some point she moves far away from you for another reason - I would hope you would treat her like the adult she is, and let her live her own life.

 

 

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country


@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

Just because the powers that be declare that at age 18 one becomes an adult simply means they are no longer a minor.  The young lady in question may very well be 22 years old, it does not mean she can make the decisions needed in this case.  Some people at 35 still don't know how to put 2 plus 2 together, if you get my drift.


 

You're absolutely right.  But the point a lot of us are making is that she IS an adult legally.  "Don't let her go", as several posters have said, makes no sense.  How are they supposed to stop her?    22 is still pretty young, but she has the right to do what she wants.  If her parents disapprove and she wants to go, she has the right to go.

 

Her decision-making ability is beside the point.  Parents can speak their minds, but that's all they can do.  In the eyes of the law she is an adult.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

This happened with my daughter.  She met a guy in England on an online forum.

 

They got very close and wanted to see each other.  I didn't like it at all, but she was an adult.  My husband and I allowed him to COME HERE and stay in our home.  He paid all his own expenses, but we did pick him up at the airport.

 

He turned out to be exactly what she thought he was.  There was no trouble involved.

 

Long story short, it didn't work out.  Hard to maintain a relationship in another country.  But he had to come here and stay with us.

 

Hyacinth

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

@Petepetey 

 

It is soooo hard and bittersweet when the daughters we are so close to grow up and begin their own, independent life journey. From your additional posts after the original one, I gather you are facing the reality that she's almost finished with college and you're at the point now where she's going to begin to go in her own direction. That might mean accepting employment in another state or country, it might mean falling for someone that lives far away, or it could simply be that she ends up wanting to live in a different area than you do. 

It's hard for us Moms that secretly (or maybe not so secretly lol) hoped their lives would mean settling down and putting in roots very close by. 

 

This young man in Sweden is someone she mentioned wanting to meet; they are no where near marriage or her moving there from what your posts state. I would shelve focusing on that part (moving away) for the moment as that's still a ways down the road. 

 

Instead talk with her and try to work out a compromise regarding her meeting her friend. Your daughter trusted you enough to share that with you, so keep the lines of communication open and be willing to compromise a bit. Online gaming today usually involves skyping at the same time (they keep a video window open to chat while playing)---have you had the opportunity to meet this guy through that manner? Someone else suggested the families meeting each other that way, and I think that is a great idea too. 

 

Life is much more global focused than it was just 15-20 years ago. College students are encouraged by their universities to study abroad, work abroad, expand their horizons. I really don't think it's a bad thing either, but it definitely takes some adjusting for the rest of us that didn't grow up that way.

 

I'm guessing that once you married you lived very close by your parents throughout your life? I know my parents are only five miles from me right now! If I'm honest it's a decision that I have regretted at times too. One of my favorite passtimes even now is "mentally" planning a move a bit further away. I love my parents very much, but I never expected to live my entire life in this small circle. 

 

Best wishes to you and your daughter

Whatever gets you through the night; it's alright, it's alright. It's your money or your life; it's alright, it's alright---John Lennon
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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

[ Edited ]

@NYC Susan wrote:

@Kachina624 wrote:

@Roxxy wrote:
Why doesn't he fly here to see her, instead of her flying to him ??

Exactly.  If he's sincerely, really intetested, he'll come to visit her.  In most societies, the male does the pursuing.


 

I don't like that part of this either.  He might not be dangerous, but I don't like the idea that he expects her to come to him.  At her expense.  I would be much more impressed with a young man who came to see her and arranged for his own accommodations.

 

(That makes me sound very old-fashioned, and I'm really not!)


@NYC Susan,  that is one of the missing pieces in this discussion.  In actuality we do not know if he is even aware of the daughter's plans.  All OP has said is "She talks of flying over there to meet him.".

 

To the best of my recollection there has been no mention about any input from him, nothing about him claiming he can't come here for whatever reason, nothing to indicate daughter going to Sweden is a mutual decision.

 

The focus on daughter going somewhere far away, the statement that daughter is talking about (not planning) going to meet him and the lack of comment on his part regarding meeting reinforces my perception that mom isn't ready to let her daughter grow.

 

While mom's concern, even some worry, is warranted it should be based on the real potential dangers not fear of daughter possibly moving to another country.

The more I learn the more I realize how little I know.
Are you setting an example or being an example?
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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

It always amazes me that with all the publicity about internet dating scams that there are still mainly women who fall for them. When will people understand that you don't know someone that you have never met in person just because you have communicated with them on a machine. You can be anyone you want to be on the internet. Chances are this guy that the OP's daughter is involved with is not who he says he is. He may not even be a he. The name and photo are probably phonies. What country is he from? There is a whole industry in certain countries of scamming vulnerable American women. If the OP cannot talk her daughter out of going to meet this joker, she should by all means go with her. Do not let her go alone; she may never see her daughter again.

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Re: Advice please for young adult daughter finding online love in another country

My brother once found someone on a dating site.  Their first date, they were supposed to meet at a restaurant.  The girl was Chinese.  Her mohter came with her.