Community Chat

[Laniey]

Hi,

I understand how you feel, because I too haven't been close to my dad's aunt and uncle.

Out the blue, my aunt called me. It was good to talk with her. I plan on taking my vacation in the spring or summer to see them. They live eight hours away from me. I will stay in contact with them.Blood is blood, and no matter what, family is what matters. It's picking up the phone or taking the two hours to see them. It's telling them you love them. Nothing else matters.

What a better time to see them with Christmas around the corner. I'm sure they would be

so happy to see you. I don't know about your spirituality, but praying to God for guidance would be a help for you. I'm an ordained minister and chaplain in a hospital. It is only a suggestion.  I will keep you and your family in prayer.

[goldensrbest]

If you do not go and see them,that will hurt them,don't be a person that does not go to see them,because you are,afarid ,this is about them, pick up the phone and call them,then makes plans to go see them.

[susan kay]

pegsue, you've received a lot of good advice.  I agree that the worst thing that you could do is nothing.  You don't need to go into a lot, but just call and see if they feel up to company.  You might want to see what he can or does eat, and offer to take some food over (made or bought).  Just your presence might be the best medicine.  No need for a lot of apologies or recriminations.  Just reach out.

[jaxs mom]

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@goldensrbest wrote:

If you do not go and see them,that will hurt them,don't be a person that does not go to see them,because you are,afarid ,this is about them, pick up the phone and call them,then makes plans to go see them.

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I really don't think we should guilt trip the OP by telling her she is going to hurt them if she doesn't see them. When you are facing death you tend to let stuff go like that. I totally understand why some people I was close to just couldn't handle it and it was not painful. Heck my own mother freaked out and told my sister she wished he'd never had me. My sister told me because it hurt her, but I totally understood the pain that drove my mom to feel that for those moments. Maybe it was because I was already a mother myself so I could put myself in her shoes. My sister wasn't at the time. Regardless, while it's nice to touch base at such a hard time in life, it can be just as hard to have parade of people who are feeling sorry for you and don't know what to say. We shouldn't pressure people to do something they may not be ready for. OP knows if it's right for her or not and I trust her to make the right call for herself and for them, 

And while I wasn't told I had 6 months to live, I was given a 30% chance of survival so it was possible I wouldn't survive. 

[SaRina]

Aw, don't feel embarrassed pegsue.  A lot of people find themselves doing nothing when they simply don't know what to do, but I guarantee you, you will feel better if you extend yourself.  Ask your aunt if they are up for company and say you'd love to see them.  Perhaps bring a gift basket of fruit or ask your aunt if she needs something you can bring.  If you go, you can make it a happy visit by reminiscing and laughing about old times.

[kdgn]

Pick up the phone, call and talk to them no matter how difficult it is for you. Then drive down to visit at least a few times. Let him know how much he meant to you as a child.

Don't let what happened to me happen to you. A few years ago I got a call out of the blue from my cousin. She'd never called me before. She was letting me know that her dad, my uncle, had died the day before. My aunt remembered that morning, 24 hours later, that no one had called me or my sibling.

My uncle had been diagnosed ten days before, an aggressive cancer that had been overlooked for months. He was given two weeks at the most. He went home. His out of area kids were called and came with their families. My aunt's family arrived from out of state. They all got to see him, to talk to him, to be there. I was never given that opportunity and I resent the daylights out of it to this day. I never got the chance to tell him how much it meant to me that he was there for the last week of my dad's life, that he sat with him and with us in the hospital room. I would have liked to have done the same for him-and to tell him about some of my earliest memories of him. At the most I was three hours away by car.

Don't lose this opportunity because you don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything more than how much you love him. See what you can do for his family in the future.

[goldensrbest]

No guilt trip,i am telling you the way it is,this is about them,not you,my husband was sick with cancer,some people did not come,how would you feel?My husband was hurt.

[Plaid Pants2]

I am a caregiver to my father, and let me tell you, it isn't easy.

Call them up, and ask, "Is there anything that I can do?"

Because let me tell you, being a caregiver is hard.

What we want more than anything, is a break, even for just a few hours.

Give your aunt the gift of being able to get out of the house for awhile.

Once there, offer to help with the house work, run errands.

When no one offers to help, it comes across as they don't care.

Step up to the plate, and offer to help your aunt.

I am sure that she is overwhelmed.

[NoelSeven]

I hear you.

When my best friend was dying of pancreatic cancer, her husband was also receiving treatments for an auto immune illness.

I stayed with her while he was at his appointments and when he needed time to grocery shop.  It's an important gift.

[Mominohio]

I hope that sharing my experience will help you.

I grew up knowing my father was ill and would never recover. He was diagnosed when I was 2, given five years to live, but actually lived 16. For the first part of this time, he still worked two jobs, and life went on as normal. His last several years, though, were not pleasant. Had to 'retire' in his early 40's because seizures made it impossible to continue to work. 

The sicker he got, the fewer people came by and called. My mom was working full time, and it was hard on her. She finally quit work to take care of him, and it was noticeable how family didn't drop by to visit, didn't call, didin't bring food, or offer to stay with the kids and dad so she could even go out alone for a few hours and not worry.

She never understood, and is still somewhat bitter. I have always thought that people didn't know what to do, or what to say. They didn't want to deal with it, they didn't want a reminder of what was real. They were uncomfortable, afraid, or sad. And I understand that.

But what I did learn is that it is alright to be all those things. It is alright to cry, or not say 'the right thing to make it better'. It's ok to come and talk about happy things, what is going on in your life, or just current events.

That lets the one who is ill and their caretakers to forget for just a little while, all that is wrong. It makes life feel 'normal' for just a little bit.

It's ok to do 'the wrong thing', like bring a casserole when the fridge is already too full, or offer to do something that doesn't need done. It shows you care. It lets them know you really do love them. It lets the one passing know that those left behind will have someone to be there when it is over. 

The first visit is the hardest. If you are going to do it, get it out of the way, and the more often you go, it should get easier or at least seem more important to do.

I would offer up the suggestion to do what I did with a great aunt that had only weeks when she was diagnosed. I couldn't see her more than twice during that time, but I called, and talked to her. And it seems that those calls always happened just when she needed them the most, and I'm so glad, even though it was hard for me, I did it. I'd regret it now if I hadn't.

And please remember to interact and do for the caregivers. This is so hard on them and they need help and support and kind acts as much or more than the one who is ill.

I'm so sorry for what you are facing right now, and wish you the best through the process.