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Your daughter, I'm sorry to say, is a selfish brat in this regard. She won't exclude you as long as she sees dollars signs, sadly. Give her a limit and tell her you'll send a check for what you can afford and sorry, that's all we can do. And she likely knows you're right about not having saved up for this even and leaving her career. That was HER (poor) choice to make.
Lesbian, shesbian, makes no difference. Her attitude speaks volumes. And why isn't she inviting her own sister?
Mom, stand your ground if she doesn't accept what you can reasonably afford. With her attitude I don't see a lot of hope for this marriage. Call me skeptical. My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.
No 33 year old who is out on their own should be looking for their parents to pay for their wedding. Parents paying comes from the days when a young woman went from home to married life. They were in effect sending her off in life, much as people today send their daughters off to college. She and her partner did exactly what they wanted to (which is of course their right as adults) in moving and having her quit her job but then you're supposed to bail them out. No money for their wedding and I would send my regrets with a very generous gift so that they can't say you're prejudiced against their marriage. Your daughter is trying to blackmail you with the "bigot" label. Don't allow her to do it. With that level of maturity, her marriage will undoubtedly not last long anyway.
You don't think that sending regrets wouldn't look as though they're prejudiced against the marriage? I think that's one of the worst things they could do. Parents not attending the wedding of their own child is a big deal. IMO it would just add fuel to the belief that they don't approve.
I also can't imagine not attending the wedding of my own children, for any reason.
There has to be more to this story. Not inviting her sister and being okay with only having 3 family members there is a little unusual, to put it mildly.
But please, OP, don't think that staying home is a way to show your approval. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that logic at all and I think it would most definitely have the complete opposite effect. The clearest way to show approval would be to attend, and the clearest way to show disapproval would be to stay home. 
No 33 year old who is out on their own should be looking for their parents to pay for their wedding. Parents paying comes from the days when a young woman went from home to married life. They were in effect sending her off in life, much as people today send their daughters off to college. She and her partner did exactly what they wanted to (which is of course their right as adults) in moving and having her quit her job but then you're supposed to bail them out. No money for their wedding and I would send my regrets with a very generous gift so that they can't say you're prejudiced against their marriage. Your daughter is trying to blackmail you with the "bigot" label. Don't allow her to do it. With that level of maturity, her marriage will undoubtedly not last long anyway.
You don't think that sending regrets wouldn't look as though they're prejudiced against the marriage? I think that's one of the worst things they could do. Parents not attending the wedding of their own child is a big deal. IMO it would just add fuel to the belief that they don't approve.
I also can't imagine not attending the wedding of my own children, for any reason.
There has to be more to this story. Not inviting her sister and being okay with only having 3 family members there is a little unusual, to put it mildly.
But please, OP, don't think that staying home is a way to show your approval. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that logic at all and I think it would most definitely have the complete opposite effect. The clearest way to show approval would be to attend, and the clearest way to show disapproval would be to stay home.
Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. There's really no issue of their "approval" as the OP says daughter knows that is not the case. She's just trying to blackmail them with that. They live "across the country" which prevents many parents from getting to their kids' nuptials. A generous gift most certainly IMO shows that they don't disapprove. You wouldn't send a generous gift if you didn't approve. The absence of parents from a wedding far way is not unusual. Many people can't afford to travel that far.
No 33 year old who is out on their own should be looking for their parents to pay for their wedding. Parents paying comes from the days when a young woman went from home to married life. They were in effect sending her off in life, much as people today send their daughters off to college. She and her partner did exactly what they wanted to (which is of course their right as adults) in moving and having her quit her job but then you're supposed to bail them out. No money for their wedding and I would send my regrets with a very generous gift so that they can't say you're prejudiced against their marriage. Your daughter is trying to blackmail you with the "bigot" label. Don't allow her to do it. With that level of maturity, her marriage will undoubtedly not last long anyway.
You don't think that sending regrets wouldn't look as though they're prejudiced against the marriage? I think that's one of the worst things they could do. Parents not attending the wedding of their own child is a big deal. IMO it would just add fuel to the belief that they don't approve.
I also can't imagine not attending the wedding of my own children, for any reason.
There has to be more to this story. Not inviting her sister and being okay with only having 3 family members there is a little unusual, to put it mildly.
But please, OP, don't think that staying home is a way to show your approval. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that logic at all and I think it would most definitely have the complete opposite effect. The clearest way to show approval would be to attend, and the clearest way to show disapproval would be to stay home.
Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. There's really no issue of their "approval" as the OP says daughter knows that is not the case. She's just trying to blackmail them with that. They live "across the country" which prevents many parents from getting to their kids' nuptials. A generous gift most certainly IMO shows that they don't disapprove. You wouldn't send a generous gift if you didn't approve. The absence of parents from a wedding far way is not unusual. Many people can't afford to travel that far.
The OP never said that she can't afford to travel that far, so her daughter certainly knows that's not the case.
If I was getting married (and wasn't sure if my parents approved), it would be a major deal to me if they did not come to the wedding. I think their presence would send a message loud & clear that they do approve. And their absence would do the exact opposite.
And - more importantly - it's not true that there's no issue of their approval. From the OP:
"She said that she feels we are not being fair and that we are against her because she is a lesbian."
So there's no doubt in my mind that if they do approve and/or if they want a future relationship with their daughter, they have to go to the wedding. Otherwise, it's going to look as though they do not approve. I stand by what I said. Staying home is the worst thing they can do.
No 33 year old who is out on their own should be looking for their parents to pay for their wedding. Parents paying comes from the days when a young woman went from home to married life. They were in effect sending her off in life, much as people today send their daughters off to college. She and her partner did exactly what they wanted to (which is of course their right as adults) in moving and having her quit her job but then you're supposed to bail them out. No money for their wedding and I would send my regrets with a very generous gift so that they can't say you're prejudiced against their marriage. Your daughter is trying to blackmail you with the "bigot" label. Don't allow her to do it. With that level of maturity, her marriage will undoubtedly not last long anyway.
You don't think that sending regrets wouldn't look as though they're prejudiced against the marriage? I think that's one of the worst things they could do. Parents not attending the wedding of their own child is a big deal. IMO it would just add fuel to the belief that they don't approve.
I also can't imagine not attending the wedding of my own children, for any reason.
There has to be more to this story. Not inviting her sister and being okay with only having 3 family members there is a little unusual, to put it mildly.
But please, OP, don't think that staying home is a way to show your approval. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that logic at all and I think it would most definitely have the complete opposite effect. The clearest way to show approval would be to attend, and the clearest way to show disapproval would be to stay home.
Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. There's really no issue of their "approval" as the OP says daughter knows that is not the case. She's just trying to blackmail them with that. They live "across the country" which prevents many parents from getting to their kids' nuptials. A generous gift most certainly IMO shows that they don't disapprove. You wouldn't send a generous gift if you didn't approve. The absence of parents from a wedding far way is not unusual. Many people can't afford to travel that far.
The OP never said that she can't afford to travel that far, so her daughter certainly knows that's not the case.
If I was getting married (and wasn't sure if my parents approved), it would be a major deal to me if they did not come to the wedding. I think their presence would send a message loud & clear that they do approve. And their absence would do the exact opposite.
And - more importantly - it's not true that there's no issue of their approval. From the OP:
"She said that she feels we are not being fair and that we are against her because she is a lesbian."
So there's no doubt in my mind that if they do approve and/or if they want a future relationship with their daughter, they have to go to the wedding. Otherwise, it's going to look as though they do not approve. I stand by what I said. Staying home is the worst thing they can do.
I never said they couldn't afford the trip. I cited that as one reason why parents might understandably not attend a wedding that is on the other side of the country because you said you could not imagine not attending your child's wedding.
As to whether the OP can or cannot afford it, she did say they are not wealthy and cannot afford half the wedding costs so perhaps travel costs are a problem, but I never said they were.
If you read the OP she said that she knows her daughter knows they don't disapprove. It's a ploy to make her parents feel guilty so they'll pay up. The daughter sounds manipulative and also mean spirited in not inviting the sister. There are obviously issues having nothing to do with the wedding.
No 33 year old who is out on their own should be looking for their parents to pay for their wedding. Parents paying comes from the days when a young woman went from home to married life. They were in effect sending her off in life, much as people today send their daughters off to college. She and her partner did exactly what they wanted to (which is of course their right as adults) in moving and having her quit her job but then you're supposed to bail them out. No money for their wedding and I would send my regrets with a very generous gift so that they can't say you're prejudiced against their marriage. Your daughter is trying to blackmail you with the "bigot" label. Don't allow her to do it. With that level of maturity, her marriage will undoubtedly not last long anyway.
You don't think that sending regrets wouldn't look as though they're prejudiced against the marriage? I think that's one of the worst things they could do. Parents not attending the wedding of their own child is a big deal. IMO it would just add fuel to the belief that they don't approve.
I also can't imagine not attending the wedding of my own children, for any reason.
There has to be more to this story. Not inviting her sister and being okay with only having 3 family members there is a little unusual, to put it mildly.
But please, OP, don't think that staying home is a way to show your approval. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that logic at all and I think it would most definitely have the complete opposite effect. The clearest way to show approval would be to attend, and the clearest way to show disapproval would be to stay home.
Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. There's really no issue of their "approval" as the OP says daughter knows that is not the case. She's just trying to blackmail them with that. They live "across the country" which prevents many parents from getting to their kids' nuptials. A generous gift most certainly IMO shows that they don't disapprove. You wouldn't send a generous gift if you didn't approve. The absence of parents from a wedding far way is not unusual. Many people can't afford to travel that far.
The OP never said that she can't afford to travel that far, so her daughter certainly knows that's not the case.
If I was getting married (and wasn't sure if my parents approved), it would be a major deal to me if they did not come to the wedding. I think their presence would send a message loud & clear that they do approve. And their absence would do the exact opposite.
And - more importantly - it's not true that there's no issue of their approval. From the OP:
"She said that she feels we are not being fair and that we are against her because she is a lesbian."
So there's no doubt in my mind that if they do approve and/or if they want a future relationship with their daughter, they have to go to the wedding. Otherwise, it's going to look as though they do not approve. I stand by what I said. Staying home is the worst thing they can do.
I never said they couldn't afford the trip. I cited that as one reason why parents might understandably not attend a wedding that is on the other side of the country because you said you could not imagine not attending your child's wedding.
As to whether the OP can or cannot afford it, she did say they are not wealthy and cannot afford half the wedding costs so perhaps travel costs are a problem, but I never said they were.
If you read the OP she said that she knows her daughter knows they don't disapprove. It's a ploy to make her parents feel guilty so they'll pay up. The daughter sounds manipulative and also mean spirited in not inviting the sister. There are obviously issues having nothing to do with the wedding.
What she actually said was:
"She said that she feels we are not being fair and that we are against her because she is a lesbian. Deep down we know that she doesn't believe that."
How do they know what their daughter believes "deep down"? Only the daughter knows that. I'm not saying the daughter isn't immature, unkind, a manipulator, or anything else. My point is that there certainly can be doubt about whether there's an issue with approval and how accepted the daughter feels. And because there is that doubt - and even if there wasn't - I still think the parents should attend the wedding. As upset as she is, the OP still certainly seems as if she wants to go! And she should.
You said that the absence of parents at a wedding isn't unusual because many parents can't afford to fly. I completely understood what you meant. My response was that it's not the case here.
I'm not going to continue to go back and forth with this. I feel very, very strongly that your solution of not attending is not a solution at all, but can in fact be extremely counterproductive. Just my opinion, obviously! So I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
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