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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT

[ Edited ]

1.   A couple sitting in the living room sipping wine.  Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you."  "Is that you or the wine talking?" her husband asks.  "It's me, says the wife, talking to the wine."

 

2.   Why did the chicken cross the road?  CIA:  give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out."

 

3.   A lawyer sent a note to a client.  "Dear Jim":  I saw you on the street the other day, crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back.  One tenth of an hour: $25.00.

 

4.   A drill sergeant chewed out one of  his cadets.  Then he smiled coyly and said, "I guess when I die you'll dance on my grave."  The cadet shook his head..."Not me sarge, I promised myself that when I get out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line."

 

5.   A woman is on trial for beating up her unfaithful rock star husband with his guitar collection.  The judge asks her, "First offense?"  "No, she says.  "First a Gibson, than a Fender."

 

6.   A mathematician wanders home at 3:00 A.M. and his irate wife yells, "You're late!"  "You said you'd be home by 11:15."  "Actually, the mathematician replied, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

 

7.   A woman walks into a doctor's office with both ears burned.  "What happened?" asks the doctor.  "While I was ironing my blouse, the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone" she replied.  "That explains one ear, but what about the other?" he asked.  "The jerk called again." said the woman.

 

8.   I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.  All I did was take a day off.

 

9.   Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued.  Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour.  "I built myself a house.  That's it there."  "Here's the barn, and over there is the church I worshipped in," he said.  "What's that building over there?" one of the rescuer's asked.  Louie sneered, "That's the church I used to belong to."

 

10.   A psychologist congratulated his patient on making good progress but the patient wasn't buying it.  "You call this progress.?" he snapped.  "Six months ago I was Napoleon.  Now I'm nobody."

 

11.   X-ercise.  The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."                                          Joan Rivers

 

12.   "Take magazines you've already read to your doctos's office.  Don't tear off the mailing label.  Because if someone wants to contact me, that would be nice."

 

13.   Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?  You know, the birthday of Santa.   Bart Simpson

 

14.   Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply sentimental time that each of us observes, in his own way, of going to the mall of his choice.         Dave Barry

 

                             To Be Continued

                              Reader's Digest

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT

@Desertdi ...When I saw I had a  notification from you, my first thought was,  "There she is, right on time."  How are things in your neck of the woods?

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,924
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT


@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@Desertdi ...When I saw I had a  notification from you, my first thought was,  "There she is, right on time."  How are things in your neck of the woods?


Hi @Lindsays Grandma     Great to hear from you!    Well, now that you asked.....my bones are making that "cracking noise" from the change in weather.....can't sneak up on anybody!    I hope you are doing better with the sciatica....and those "other things".    Heart   di

♥Surface of the Sun♥
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,581
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT

Always look forward to your posts in the morning. I love the Joan Rivers one  number 11 🤣🤣 🙏❤️☕️

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,362
Registered: ‎06-15-2014

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT

#s 4, 10 +11 kill me. Hysterically funny. Thanks, as always for the laughs.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,022
Registered: ‎06-13-2010

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT

[ Edited ]

@godi  That one gave me a serious case of the giggles also! Leave it to Joan.😂😂😂😂

 

 

~~~All we need is LOVE💖

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: A LITTLE OF THIS A LITTLE OF THAT


@Desertdi wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@Desertdi ...When I saw I had a  notification from you, my first thought was,  "There she is, right on time."  How are things in your neck of the woods?


Hi @Lindsays Grandma     Great to hear from you!    Well, now that you asked.....my bones are making that "cracking noise" from the change in weather.....can't sneak up on anybody!    I hope you are doing better with the sciatica....and those "other things".    Heart   di


@Desertdi ...Sorry to hear your bones don't like the cooler weather, and as for those "other things" it's called "family." And as for the sciatica, it has become part of my life which I didn't invite and refuses to leave. Woman Mad

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam