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Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,734
Registered: ‎07-09-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

I read thst the mother moved in with the son 6 months ago. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,978
Registered: ‎01-02-2011

Re: 90 year old mother..........


@SahmIam wrote:

A few posts hear say it beautifully: the fear, the loneliness, the loss of those things you hold dear/are important to you....for the majority is the worst part of ageing. I've watch it happen and I know that for ME, I don't want to be shut away somewhere because it's "good for me". You would have to drug me to the point I was 100% numb to handle that. 

 

I've made it very clear to those near and dear that I will say Good-bye to this world before it enters that stage. The last bit of control I have will be end it on MY terms and no one else. I know many who feel the same and have a plan in place. 

 

It's a truly sad situation all around.


You sound like my mother and things did not end well for her.  No one should assume that dementia or other calamities will never affect them.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,139
Registered: ‎04-16-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........


@tansy wrote:

@SahmIam wrote:

A few posts hear say it beautifully: the fear, the loneliness, the loss of those things you hold dear/are important to you....for the majority is the worst part of ageing. I've watch it happen and I know that for ME, I don't want to be shut away somewhere because it's "good for me". You would have to drug me to the point I was 100% numb to handle that. 

 

I've made it very clear to those near and dear that I will say Good-bye to this world before it enters that stage. The last bit of control I have will be end it on MY terms and no one else. I know many who feel the same and have a plan in place. 

 

It's a truly sad situation all around.


You sound like my mother and things did not end well for her.  No one should assume that dementia or other calamities will never affect them.  


@tansy  I don't see that I said that anywhere in my post. My point is that I will end my life in order to not enter this type of a situation. I will not go into a home. I will not rely on any of my children for care. Therefore, there is only 1 choice to make, IMHO.Again, speaking only for myself, no one else.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,139
Registered: ‎04-16-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

[ Edited ]

@Sooner wrote:

I'll add that for many people there is no alternative.  You can't let someone stay in a house and rot if you can help it.  You can't make many people sweet and happy about getting old no matter where they are--at home or in a facility.

 

You can't take care of them 24/7.  You might have to work, you might have to raise your kids, or take care of a spouse, what are you supposed to do?

 

I don't know that people should put their lives on hold for 10 or more years 24/7.  That's not fair either.

 

The bottom line is that when people get very elderly, you can't change the outcome.  You can try to make a difference along the way, but it is not possible to make them well, make them happy, prevent their decline, or keep them off needed meds.  I don't know what the answer is for sure. 

 

But a lot of people have a decidely unrealistic expectation of how bright and shiny and happy this whole situation should go.  Should you find an answer, the world is waiting. . . 


@Sooner  You suck it up and you DO take care of the person at the expense of everything else. That's Life. It's not fair, it ain't pretty and it doesn't care what you think or feel because that's Life.

 

I have been told this/heard this for decades due to caregiving being necessary in my family for many people. Unless you want to see them rot away in a state home or die, someone is going to have to step up and do the right thing. 

 

I've seen marriages fall apart; families ripped apart; lawsuits among family members; court hearings over charges of abuse....you name it, I've seen it OR been involved in it. I'm a full time caregiver now but it's my child. WHat was I supposed to do? Shove him in a room and let him die? Let the state slowly kill him? It isn't just your aged parents that this is a major problem for; it's also children, your siblings, your spouse. It's like this all over the world as well, so....yes, you ARE expected to take care of your loved one, no matter the cost. That's Life. *shrugs*

 

 

Edited to add: Believe it or not, I'm agreeing with you, Sooner.  The big issue I see here as well as overseas, is the simple lack of support for families/for caregivers in general. Society simply doesn't give a flip. It has a 3 months window of sympathy and then....don't want to hear about it anymore. We all have our own miseries and simply can't deal (or care) about anyone else's. It's our world today and it's playing out the same way all over.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,435
Registered: ‎03-22-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

I just read that they found 13 guns in this home, only 2 belonged to the old woman.... and none of them were locked up.  

 

Having thought about this.... and reading that there were at least 6 domestic violence type calls.... this was an accident/ incident waiting to happen.  

 

My guess is that this son was overwhelmed and the mere mention of placing his mom elsewhere sent her over the edge.  

 

I dont know how people care for the elderly.... my admiration to those who do.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,302
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

@SahmIam

 

I think it's different today.  Like I said on another thread but in different words perhaps....."we are living longer".  That means we have 70+ people trying to take care of 90+  people (family)  when they themselves are in almost as much trouble physically as their parents....if not more. Who is your allegiance to then?  Your spouse?   Your children?  Your parents? There is no right or wrong.

 

  Sometimes a parent is better off in a nursing home. I have seen people improve at nursing homes where they could be observed and treated with proper medications till they were well again and some even got well enough to come back home.  

 

A 90 yr. old woman in her mental condition with guns in the house?  God forbid.  Something was terribly wrong here.

 

One should never just dump a parent and leave them. We felt we must be there (at the home) and often.  We were...5 or 6 days a week.  That is exhausting, too.  Thankfully, we were fortunate and there were 3 of us.  I don't know how an only child does it and certainly wouldn't judge anyone who did it differently or could not possibly be there that often.  It is insensitive to pass judgement on people who have had to take the Nursing Home route. There is nothing that hurts worse than to put a parent you love deeply and has loved you deeply in a home.  I believe if we hadn't..... my mother would never have lived through it....I almost didn't, myself.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,139
Registered: ‎04-16-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

@jubilant  I apologize if my post came across as saying that anyone who placed their parent/loved on in a home was a bad parent- that was NOT my intent.

 

Some people don't want to take care of anyone under any circumstance. Some medical conditions require care that is beyond the scope of the family/caregiver. What I see is that the system simply doesn't help unless you put the person in a facility and even then, if you care, you worry about what type of care they are receiving. I've watched this exact thing tear families apart, wipe out finances, etc. The cost is exorbitant and few can afford this type of care that someone they love SHOULD receive. This is why I said there is no help in our society; it really does rest on the backs of the family to figure it out and it's......hard. It's cruel. It's....wrong. : (

 

Hugs to you; 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,302
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: 90 year old mother..........

@SahmIam

 

Thank you for clarifying.  Hugs right back at you!  

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,602
Registered: ‎06-14-2016

Re: 90 year old mother..........


@goldensrbest wrote:

Well it could be he was mean to her, who knows?


I agree, there is MUCH MUCH MUCH more to this story.

Happiness is ALWAYS an inside job,
Don't assign anyone else that much POWER
in your life!!!
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,602
Registered: ‎06-14-2016

Re: 90 year old mother..........

I also want to tell anyone reading this ....if you LIVE with someone who tells you they will KILL YOU...BELIEVE THEM...

 

Don't wait until, don't say they are joking, don't say they are playing, take action....whatever steps are required....for YOUR SAFETY.....

 

I know a lady who moved out with her kids while her husband was at work one day, this was like 30 years ago but she did it.

 

 

Happiness is ALWAYS an inside job,
Don't assign anyone else that much POWER
in your life!!!