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ā06-17-2016 05:12 PM - edited ā06-18-2016 03:07 AM
Very interesting!
Now I know why sometimes I feel better
if I "vent" or "rant" and sometimes I don't feel
better.
š
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http://greatist.com/live/when-complaining-crosses-the-line
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"From job woes and relationship troubles to health problems and financial concerns (not to mention long lines, lukewarm coffee, and other daily annoyances), everyone's got something to complain about.
In some ways, this is a healthy and normal part of life. Voicing concerns, identifying pervasive stressors, and figuring out how to surmount the many minor frustrations our days bring us are all part of being a healthy, functioning human.
And if youāve ever bonded with someone over a shared dislike (like the latest movie everyoneās raving about that you hated), you know firsthand that group-level griping can be a quick route to feeling closer with others.
The problem:
Too much time spent focusing on the negativeāand drawing everyoneās awareness to whatās wrong in your lifeācan lead to some seriously un-fun consequences.
From pushing away friends (or making them equally miserable) to wrecking our own health or quality of life, complaining can go wrong in so many ways.
If you think blowing off steam helps you feel better, think again.
āThere is no scientific evidence that venting helps us calm down,ā says Brad Bushman, Ph.D., professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University.
In fact, his research shows that ruminating over remarks that angered you (or in his particular study, working out aggression by walloping a punching bag) only makes people angrier and more aggressive.
Itās one thing to share with a close friend or S.O. something thatās troubling youāeven if all youāre looking for is a little sympathy.
Itās another, says chair of psychology at University of Wisconsin-Bay, Ryan Martin, Ph.D., to elicit the same degree of angst, anxiety, or moral outrage that you feel in other people. (Guess which one is the healthier option.)
Storming into a colleagueās office, getting into altercations with strangers (road rage, anyone?), nagging, and whining are all ineffective ways to express our emotions, Martin says.
(See also: rudeness, passive-aggression, swearing, hitting, or any other physical expression of frustration.)
This isnāt to say we should shut down or try to deny our emotions. As Bushman notes, suppressing our feelings can also lead to heart issuesāas well as negative effects on our emotional well-being.
A much safer betāfor our own sake as well as others'āis to learn how to know when your griping is making things worse.
How to Spot Ineffective Complaining
1. Notice when youāre not doing yourself any favors.
If youāre itemizing your woes to a person who canāt do anything to help, youāre not interested in seeking a solution, or youāre totally avoiding any and all attempts to process how youāre feeling, youāre likely not complaining effectively, Martin explains.
2. Check in with yourself at the bodily level.
Does your heart rate or blood pressure remain cranked up well after youāve aired your presumed grievances? Are your face, shoulders and jaw feeling tense, or has your breathing grown shallower?
All of these are signs youāre increasing your own misery rather than truly alleviating it.
3. Take note of others' reactions.
Do people draw away from you, cower, or react angrily in response to your griping? āIf others become defensive around you, this may be a sign youāre coming on too strong,ā Bushman says.
4. Pay attention to long-term outcomes.
Have you been ruminating over the same problem(s) for weeks or months with no solution in store, or are unable to make any headway in solving those issues?
If so, you may need to get clearer on what, exactly, you need to feel betterāand how youāre going about getting it, says San Bolkan, Ph.D., professor of communication studies at California State University, Long Beach.
The Better Way to Complain
1. Figure out what you actually want.
Bolkanās research on consumer complaints shows that many people skip the crucial step of stating how theyād like to see a recent wrong redressed. Do yourself a favor and clarify what you see as the issue and what you envision the best solution might be. (Writing these basic facts down and consulting with a trusted friend can help aid this process.)
2. Talk to the right person.
Once youāve figured out whatās upsetting you and what youād like to change, youāll have a better idea of who can actually help make things right, Bolkan says. Approach them with your grievance rather than offloading your unhappiness onto people who canāt resolve your problem, and youāre much more likely to get your needs met.
3. Donāt be hostile.
No matter how rightfully P.O.ād you are, being a jerk is not only unnecessary, it can make people far less willing to assist you and more likely to keep their distance. āWhen people are hostile, they can trigger defensive reactions as opposed to reactions that might better facilitate the resolution of a problem,ā Bolkan says.
Be mindful of the tone of your voice, your body language, and your inclination to blame a particular person (i.e., not yourself).
Remember: The less overwhelmed others feel by our emotions, the more willing they are to listen.
So be mindful of the tone of your voice, your body language, and your inclination to blame a particular person (i.e., not yourself).
Most importantly, remember to thank whoever offers you any assistance. Not only will this reinforce their willingness to help you out in the future, but being grateful also helps free you from ruminating and, as a result, helps make your problem-solving more effective.
The Takeaway
Negativity can spread faster between people than the most viral video of hamsters eating tiny burritos.
Save yourself (and your loved ones) from further misery by working on self-regulation and seeking clearer solutions to resolve whatever it is you see wrong.
Not only will this benefit all your relationships, but the better you become at avoiding rumination, anxiety, and rage, the healthier youāll be in the long haul."
š
ā06-17-2016 05:26 PM
I don't ever feel the need to vent. Two things I have working for me are my mind and and my body. I do not "yell" at computers/talk incessantly about "poor me"/slam doors or break things.
For me I see no gain, but many conceivable down sides. For those that feel the need to vent? I enjoy reading some of them, but others, I say, HUH?
hnj
ā06-17-2016 07:18 PM
I feel better after venting. I limit my vent to a handful of people.
ā06-17-2016 07:47 PM
It depends in what the venting is about, and to whom. It can be helpful, and calming to vent about quite a few things to family and friends, as long as you don't beat it into the ground and turn them off. A little sympathy is a good thing.
Venting or ranting to virtual strangers (which includes discussion forums) can easily become a type of road rage with raging verbalizations, and #s 1 and 3 come into play. At that point, nothing is or can be accomplished that is good for anyone. But just as with true physical road rage, the person may lack the control to break away and draw back.
ā06-17-2016 09:34 PM
Boy I wish I could get some people who work at my company to read this
I am certainly not a polyanna, but there is nothing worse than someone that is constantly complaining. It drags everyone else down. One negative person can really ruin the morale of a whole team.
ā06-18-2016 01:47 AM
I feel better after venting. But I don't do it to everyone. I only confide in my husband and my best friend depending what it is.
Personally, I think its better to vent then to hold things in. I know some people that hold things in and they ended up on nerve pills or anti depressants. So I will keep venting if I need to!
ā06-18-2016 10:39 AM
'I don't know' (again, lol) ..... I'm thinking that it's better to vent than to keep it in. Maybe while walking with friends, etc. Lots of folks now-a-days have complaints about 'this and that'. Less expensive to just chat our feelings away with friends, rather than expensive professionals. We're always complaining about something on walks. Dog poop, gardener blowing leaves and dirt everywhere, all kinds of world-wide topics to vent about.
ā06-18-2016 10:47 AM
There are those who feel that venting about similar brings them together...gives them a common bond...
I try to avoid those people.
ā06-18-2016 01:58 PM - edited ā06-18-2016 02:33 PM
Thanks for your posts @Moonchilde
@GCR18 @Tantallum @Shorty2U @hckynut @ROMARY
š
The takeaway is not saying that we
never should
vent but just there are good ways and bad
ways as many of you said.
thanks again!!!
š
ā06-18-2016 03:10 PM
I try very hard not to vent because it seems once I start I just go on and on. I need to back off, run things through my mind before I speak to anyone else about whatever the vent is about.
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