Control is my constant nemesis. I'm always chasing it and it will never be caught. When this time of year comes around it seems to taunt me from afar even more.
Mother's Day, we’ve got such a love hate relationship.
When I was younger, I foolishly thought I had some control. Life wasn't picture perfect growing up, but by 25 I had happily married my dream man and my career was underway. We landed, as planned, in San Diego, where we would live a fruitful life by the beach. God had different plans and in 2006 He took back all control and insisted I just let go and trust Him.
Not easy, not easy at all.
For ten years now I've struggled with infertility. My husband and I have suffered through six lost babies, nearly one a year. We've experienced miscarriage, failed IVF, and most heartbreakingly; an adoption where the birth mom changed her mind. (Choosing to parent your child is never a bad decision. It's the right choice, but when you are the waiting family on the other side after six months of expectation, it destroys you.)
If you watch me on air you know I was also blessed with two miracle girls in 2009. They are true gifts from God. I count my blessings every time I exhale. Yet even they are a reminder of my lack of control. They are growing up, and it's my job to help them become independent, Christian women. I need to give up my control as their mom and let them go.
I don't want to. (Said while stomping my feet and squeezing my fists.)
I'm truly overwhelmingly thankful to have spent the last six Mother's Days wearing the title of mom. For years I had spent that day in mourning. But having lost more children since the year I became a mom, it's still a hard day. And I know it is even harder for so many women just like me. I don't have the control to grow my family as I've wished or erase the pain I still feel over those I've lost.
But you see the Lord is in control and I know He has designed these last ten years to give me the empathy and understanding so many other moms are missing. It's not their fault; it's just impossible to understand the heart of an infertile woman if you've never lost a child. My heart is full for those that have suffered loss like me, or worse, have watched a child die—and the many women who have never had the children they've prayed for.
Mother's Day for me, isn't really about my motherhood anymore, that's still a hard subject for me. Instead, It's when I get to remind a whole team of women in my life how important that they have been. They deserve it. They are amazing. If I had control, my own mother wouldn't have gotten sick the same year my children were born. But I don't, and she did. Yet, slowly loosing her has forced me to lean on my aunts and friends and a step mom and mother law, to mother me. If I had control that would be a whole lot easier too, but I'm not and it isn't. I'm still trying to control every situation. When will I learn?
My hope for you this Mother's Day is that you find the beauty in being out of control. Whether you’re a new overwhelmed mom or a grandmother watching as time uncontrollably speeds by. Or you’re a woman who can’t control what's happening to her own body or her own mother. None of us actually has control, but what happens in the mess can be glorious. It's brought me two breathtakingly beautiful children, an unplanned successful career I adore and really don't deserve and a village full of women I consider like moms.
This May let control tease you from the seemingly perfect lives of those around you, (pssst guess what? They don't have control either,) and walk the other way into the designed chaos that was planned just for you.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you out of control women out there. Thanks for being part of my village.
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