Out of Control

by ‎05-07-2016 08:03 PM - edited ‎05-10-2016 09:34 AM

Control is my constant nemesis. I'm always chasing it and it will never be caught. When this time of year comes around it seems to taunt me from afar even more.


Mother's Day, we’ve got such a love hate relationship.


When I was younger, I foolishly thought I had some control. Life wasn't picture perfect growing up, but by 25 I had happily married my dream man and my career was underway. We landed, as planned, in San Diego, where we would live a fruitful life by the beach. God had different plans and in 2006 He took back all control and insisted I just let go and trust Him.


Not easy, not easy at all.


For ten years now I've struggled with infertility. My husband and I have suffered through six lost babies, nearly one a year. We've experienced miscarriage, failed IVF, and most heartbreakingly; an adoption where the birth mom changed her mind. (Choosing to parent your child is never a bad decision. It's the right choice, but when you are the waiting family on the other side after six months of expectation, it destroys you.)


If you watch me on air you know I was also blessed with two miracle girls in 2009. They are true gifts from God. I count my blessings every time I exhale. Yet even they are a reminder of my lack of control. They are growing up, and it's my job to help them become independent, Christian women. I need to give up my control as their mom and let them go.


I don't want to. (Said while stomping my feet and squeezing my fists.)


I'm truly overwhelmingly thankful to have spent the last six Mother's Days wearing the title of mom. For years I had spent that day in mourning. But having lost more children since the year I became a mom, it's still a hard day.  And I know it is even harder for so many women just like me. I don't have the control to grow my family as I've wished or erase the pain I still feel over those I've lost.


But you see the Lord is in control and I know He has designed these last ten years to give me the empathy and understanding so many other moms are missing.  It's not their fault; it's just impossible to understand the heart of an infertile woman if you've never lost a child. My heart is full for those that have suffered loss like me, or worse, have watched a child die—and the many women who have never had the children they've prayed for.


Mother's Day for me, isn't really about my motherhood anymore, that's still a hard subject for me. Instead, It's when I get to remind a whole team of women in my life how important that they have been. They deserve it.  They are amazing. If I had control, my own mother wouldn't have gotten sick the same year my children were born. But I don't, and she did. Yet, slowly loosing her has forced me to lean on my aunts and friends and a step mom and mother law, to mother me. If I had control that would be a whole lot easier too, but I'm not and it isn't. I'm still trying to control every situation. When will I learn?


My hope for you this Mother's Day is that you find the beauty in being out of control. Whether you’re a new overwhelmed mom or a grandmother watching as time uncontrollably speeds by. Or you’re a woman who can’t control what's happening to her own body or her own mother. None of us actually has control, but what happens in the mess can be glorious. It's brought me two breathtakingly beautiful children, an unplanned successful career I adore and really don't deserve and a village full of women I consider like moms.


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This May let control tease you from the seemingly perfect lives of those around you, (pssst guess what? They don't have control either,) and walk the other way into the designed chaos that was planned just for you.


Happy Mother's Day to all of you out of control women out there. Thanks for being part of my village.





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on ‎05-07-2016 10:37 PM

You are a beautiful intelligence outstanding woman!  I really appresciate that you shared you story!  So proud of you and appreciate you so much......thank you Kristen!  happy Mothers Day! and Happy Mothers day to your lovely Mother!


on ‎05-08-2016 12:13 AM

Thank you for sharing your story.   As a great gram I have been blessed and losses as well.  My husband died young and he has missed so much but I know he is helping watch over us.  My oldest grandson is a cancer survivor.   Against the odds after chemo, etc he and his wife were blessed with a son and are expecting another now.  Our extended family will be together.  We count our blessings each day.  I look forward to you next blog.  I have enjoyed watching you grow at the Q and hope that they realize the jewel they have found in your skills and personality.

on ‎05-08-2016 12:29 AM


I feel for you even though I have never lost a child or suffered through infertility but I can only imagine the heartbreak you've endured.

I have two sons, grown now, ages 30 and 25.  I always wanted to be a mother and am so happy I had them...they truly were blessings in my life.  I lost my mom when I was only 22...that was my "out of control" moment. It was the hardest period in my life...I found out I was pregnant 4 months after she passed and was very boyfriend and I had been together for almost 3 years but he was still in college and I was not ready to be a mother....I was still grieving my own mother.  I remember thinking "why is God punishing me this way?"  Hadn't I suffered enough?  Long story short, my boyfriend and I married and that baby boy was my life preserver....he pulled me out of my grief by bringing me countless joy.  He was the light in the dark tunnel created by my mother's absence.  He showed me that motherhood was a whole new chapter in my life when I thought my life would never ever be the same.  Isn't it funny how "He" knows best even though we don't see it at the time.  I thought I was being punished with this unexpected pregnancy at such a low time in my life and in retrospect, it turned out to be exactly what I needed to go on and feel meaning and purpose... and love!  God had this plan all figured out for me.  

I admire your strength and your faith and have read many of your past blogs...your children are your life and they in turn, feel the same way about you because you seem to be a very intuitive and deeply sentimental and caring mother.  It is very true that no matter how much we try to control our lives, most of the time, "He" has other plans for us and we learn to accept that.  The older I get, the more I trust in "Him" and accept whatever is thrown my way!  And I, like you, have learned to have other loving women in my life since my mother is not sister, my wonderful mother-in-law, and several of my husband's aunts.  This battle called life is a whole lot easier when you have loving people around you to lean on, guide you and love you!

Happy Mother's Day to you and hope you have a wonderful day surrounded by all your loved ones!

on ‎05-08-2016 04:37 AM

Kirsten, thank you for thinking of us women who were never able to have children.


You are blessed with two beautiful daughters and I know they make you happy.


Please don't stop writing; you right very well.

on ‎05-09-2016 11:16 AM

I simple just need to say WOW !!.  I thank you for opening up your heart and sharing such personal joys and stuggles.

I probably will never see you the same again, as you are presenting . 

You are strength, you are hope, you are simply beautiful.


on ‎05-09-2016 03:16 PM

Happy Mother's Day to you and your Mom!  You are such a sweet and genuine person.  I am so happy that you have your own show now.  I look forward to seeing you on the Q.     


Keep Smiling,